I came up with this whilst watching Blood Brothers:
Grass waved beneath my feet,
As they ran across the ground,
The wind threw my hair back,
Making a whistling sound,
I called behind me to my friends,
"Come on then, do not tally!"
But as I said it, I glanced behind,
They wouldn't dilly dally,
I sped up a bit, but they were good,
Going very quick,
But I still had some energy,
And a wooden stick,
I span around, and I stood still,
They were closing in around,
I swung the stick, and they all ducked,
And they hit the ground,
I pushed one down, then I said,
"Count from one to ten!
At that time only, then you can,
Get up off the ground again!"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hi Flame,
So, this is an alright poem. It can definitely be improved upon. Jagged got most, if not all, of the points worth speaking of. I'll just reiterate about the rhyming. It doesn't really work at all for this poem, and I think you could communicate your story so much better by using free verse and eliminating the need for the semi-rhymes. If you decide to rhyme, you need to have a definite rhyme scheme, which you don't have currently.
Another thing is your speaker. Is it a child? An adult? Your choice of language is confusing, and ambiguous, for example "tally" which a child would not really say, and "dilly-dally," which an adult would not be very likely to say.
Hope this helps!
Sporks
Hey Flame,
You've got an okay start for a poem here, but there are some points you could improve on to make it something more memorable than it is right now.
For one, reconsider making your lines rhyme. It's not necessary, and oftentimes it leads you to twist the sentences to fit the rhyme scheme or to use words that are not as appropriate or have the sort of impact you'd want them to have--you can just go with free verse, chances are it will only improve the result. That said, if you do decide to stick with rhyming, you have to stay consistent with it. Right now you're halfway, rhyming here and there but not everywhere, and it hurts your flow.
Just here, in your first stanza:
you've got "ground"/"sound", but "feet" and "back" don't rhyme, and it throws the rhythm of the stanza off. You've also got some awkward wording: "my feet, / as they ran" is redundant, because running is naturally done with one's feet--it's a repetition, and it sounds clumsy. I'd also suggest making the comma after "ground" into a period: you seem to be using only commas through the poem save for those couple exclamation marks, leading to very run-on sentences. Try breaking things up a bit more: it'll make things easier on the reader.
"Dilly-dally" sounds a tad too whimsical, and like it's only there to rhyme with "tally". I'm also assuming the speaker is a child, and the line "Come on then, do not tally!" sounds very out of place on such a character.
Third stanza has a very jerky flow. Try reading it out aloud, see how the words roll off.
The rest of the poem has the same issues I've adressed earlier, eg the comma abuse and period neglect, the rhyming. It also feels like you don't really have a point to the poem: you've got the outlines of a story, but little depth to it. Try digging a bit, or expanding.
Hope this helps.
Jag
And thats how it ends?
It was interesting, i'll give you that, but (Maybe I'm missing something because I have no idea what 'Blood Brothers' is) what does the title have to do with your poem?
Anyway, your flow was good, your story and description clear, which I liked
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder