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E - Everyone

Strangers- chapter one

by FizzyGirl


Do you think anyone actually cares? Do they really though? I mean I know teachers say " you can tell me anything" but let's be real they don't mean it. Parents, to busy with work. Siblings just don't understan. Friends are judgmental, they won't judge you, but I mean they don't except you for being yourself so they twist you into being what they imagine a perfect friend being.

I don't know why I told the boy on the corner, I was tired of sucking it up. He was the perfect stranger, I didn't know him, he didn't know me, we had never talked before so when I started to cry on the corner and he walked over to me and put his arm around me, it made me cry harder than before. I couldn't believe he cared, I was just some stranger that he got a bus with twice a week. Nothing special. He wiped my eyes and looked at me with those hazel brown eyes hidden behind a purple fringe that swept low below his eyes.

"Uhmm don't cry," he had said. " what's wrong cat?"

I remember looking at him inquisitively, my name isn't Cat, far from it in fact my names Mary Jane.  (revenge from my father for killing my mother. That's the way he puts it anyway, my mother died at child birth and ever since my farther has been a proud to being mean and nasty, anyway back to the story.)Then I remembered my hat, a beenie with the words Cat scrawled across it in metallic blacks and whites, a late birthday present from my ex best friend, Jill, who also is trying to ruin my life by Spreading rumors that I am a murderer and more detailed information I would rather not go into.

"I'm fine" I said not very convincing.

"You can tell me, I'm just a random person, I don't matter." He had told me.

"It's silly, I'm silly it really doesn't matter," I said trying to signify the conversation was over, I started to walk away.

"Cat, wait, the bus will be here in 5 minutes, if you tell me now and then in five minutes, you get on that bus I'll wait for the next one and you can get on and never see me again." He said with a definitive smile, I knew there and then he wasn't going to give up. So I told him, everything. From my dad and how every morning before school he would be knocked out on the sofa from a hangover, to how my teacher singled me out for my gender.

I still really don't know why I did, but he was the perfect listener, he didn't judge me, he didn't interrupt me, he didn't seem bored or distracted, the whole time I was talking he fixed me with those brown hazel eyes and an inquisitive gaze. When I had finished pouring my guts out, my face tear stained and my eyes red and puffy, some how it felt good to cry get it out of my system. Then without warning he hugged me, I can't remember the last time someone hugged me like that, I felt so safe and warm, when he let me go he looked embarrassed and apologized but something in his voice hinted he wasn't sorry or regretted hugging me. This is the part where I say I fell in love with him and we lived happily ever after, well that didn't happen. I don't like random boys hugging me, so I stepped back and gave him the stink eye, I know it was rude but so was hugging me I mean, who goes around hugging random people?. Then just as the bus pulled up to the kerb I stood on my tippy toes and whispered in his ear:

"Hug me again and you'll regret it!"

I ran onto the bus just as the doors were closing and grabbed a window seat, but I didn't look out I kept my chin up and didn't look back. I don't need random guys going around hugging me I have enough problems as it is without some boy bugging me. I did feel better though, for telling someone my troubles but I still was uneasy. I let out a deep breath and relaxed, I was going to school, no dad, for nearly a whole day. I smiled. School was my happy place apart from that teacher. A vague image of dad slumped on the sofa smelling of booze and looking like he was at deaths door popped into my  head, I was dreading school ending before it had began.


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Wed May 03, 2017 6:29 am
CharlotteS wrote a review...



Nice. I really liked this.

Your characters problems were real and many could probably relate to it. However that is where the realism ends. It is unlikely that someone with that many problems would talk to a random stranger, or maybe they would? I've never had these problems, so yu tell me. And it's also unlikely that they will have no one. She says about how she has a horrible teacher, and her friend is spreading rumors, however she also says her favorite place is school. That is a tad strange. However I do really like this. It is a lovely story. But I want to know more about the boy. Who is he? Why does he care so much about her? Why is he just a random stranger? How have they not fallen in love yet? Will they fall in love?? (I'm such a hopeless romantic!)

Is there a part two to this story? Please tell me there is?! I have become attached to the characters and will now lie awake worrying about their fate. (Not really, but that is how I feel right now)

Anyway, this was an amazing piece of writing, it just needs more details. I loved this and will be keeping an eye out for a part two. *Nods encouragingly.*




FizzyGirl says...


thankyou so much for your amazing review, I'm working on part two now and I'll watch out for my grammar. thanks again.



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Tue May 02, 2017 3:22 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



I like this story and hope there will be more chapters. My advice to you would be slow down soak in the story and don't make it to rushed. You also make a bunch of grammar mistakes and slowing down will help that to. I have said this to too many authors, give your characters names. I really wanted to know the boy at the bus stop,so backstories are important to. Most of the time a back story will help the story plot run smoother and it gives your readers a more interesting read. You really gave me a good backstory on Mary Jane but it did not need to be in parenthesis, it was a crucial part of the story and needed to be put along side the rest of the story. Keep writing!




FizzyGirl says...


Thanks your review really helped me.



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Mon May 01, 2017 10:04 pm
skylnn00writes wrote a review...



Hey! Sky here for a review.

I mean I know teachers say "You can tell me anything" but let's be real, they don't mean it. Parents, too busy with work. Siblings just don't understand.


"What's wrong, Cat?"


(revenge from my father for killing my mother. That's the way he puts it anyway, my mother died at child birth and ever since my farther has been a proud to being mean and nasty, anyway back to the story.)

I personally don't think you need this in parenthesis. It's a crucial part to the story so don't make it seem like nothing. And I would definitely take out the "anyway back to the story" because it again, is part of the story.

"I'm fine[color=red,[/color]" I said, not very convincing.

I would change the "not very convincing" to "not too convincingly." Just a small suggestion both sound okay though.

"You can tell me, I'm just a random person, I don't matter," he had told me.


"Cat, wait, the bus will be here in 5 minutes, if you tell me now and then in five minutes, you get on that bus I'll wait for the next one and you can get on and never see me again," he said with a definitive smile, I knew there and then he wasn't going to give up.

Revise this. You wrote you instead of I and there are a lot of commas that you can turn into periods, and probably should.

So this is a pretty interesting story. I definitely like the plot line, and I actually haven't read in like it which makes me like it even more. The only thing I didn't find convenient were all the mistakes that can easily be fixed. I pointed out most of them but I left some out and probably didn't catch all of them. Just look it over for spacing issues, which there were a few, some grammar mistakes, and definitely revise this. Other than that, I think this story has potential and I absolutely love the way you connected me to the character. Keep it up :smt001

I hope my review is helpful

~Sky




FizzyGirl says...


Hi sky thanks for your review it really did help, I'm not sure if I'm going to continue on this story, it's getting a lot of mixed reviews, some people find it boring and then some like it so it's a bit hard to edit after one review and realize someone else hates it. But thanks I will correct my mistakes and thanks for your positive Input as well that really helped.





Well don't get discouraged because someone doesn't like it. Not everyone will like your work but some will find the story intriguing. In my opinion you should keep it going but it's up to you in the end. And I'm glad I could help, let me know if you want me to review anything else :smt001



FizzyGirl says...


Thanks I'll definitely consider keeping it going.



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Mon May 01, 2017 2:34 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Dino here for a review!

So, your beginning of this chapter feels a bit weak. Personally, whenever I start a chapter of anything, I mainly focus on what I want to appeal to the reader. It can be with description or a simple background of the character that the chapter is going to be about. It doesn't necessary have to start with what the main character thinks because we hardly know how the main character is acting or what they are reacting to.

Parents, to busy with work. Siblings just don't understan. Friends are judgmental, they won't judge you, but I mean they don't except you for being yourself so they twist you into being what they imagine a perfect friend being.


This whole chunk seems awkward. You do have a clear cut reasoning behind what the narrator is trying to get across but I feel like you've worded it a bit weird. For example, in some places of this you have used the commas kind of in the wrong format. Like with Parents, busy with work, it almost feels like you were going to continue but you went onto the next example. It also happens with the rest of the reasons behind. Basically, they all seem like runoffs.
I think you should expand more into these reasonings. Like, why are parents so busy with work that they don't care about their children? Or, what friends wouldn't judge you? Speaking of which, Friends are judgmental, they won't judge you doesn't exactly makes sense? Because you are saying that they judge you but at the same time they don't. Maybe rewrite it to agree with one another.
I would also watch out for spelling errors in this small portion because there are some errors with using the wrong 'too' or misspelling 'understand'. Those are simple mistakes that can caught if you re-read the entire work before publishing. It often helps to do because you, as the author, might find some things that someone else not might or you can change something so it makes more sense to the reader.

Do you think anyone actually cares? Do they really though?


You don't need the Do they really though? mainly because it a self doubt type of thing that I'm sure the reader can already sense in the Do you think anyone actually cares? Also, this might be the annoying grammar nazi in me but I feel like "actually" doesn't quite fit in with the sentence but instead "really" might. However, it is your choice if you want to fix that.

For some reason, this story seems to have that cliche 'I fall in love with a stranger and tell him everything. Then we fall in love" storyline. Often times it is okay to follow cliche topics in stories, however, I think it is best to avoid them if possible.

I couldn't believe he cared, I was just some stranger that he got a bus with twice a week.


In place of the comma, put a period because I couldn't believe he cared is a single thought while I was just some stranger ... with twice a week is also a separate thought.

"Uhmm don't cry," he had said. " what's wrong cat?"


When writing dialogue, it is always best to imagine the voices inside your head and think of when to stop them from talking/what they sound like. Here, I kind of want to know what he sounds like. It is the best way to grab the attention of a reader if you have some form of description. Dialogue and description go hand and hang when it comes to chapters. You can't have a little of both.
Anyway, back to this. Don't forget to capitalize a letter after a period. Again, common writer error.

I remember looking at him inquisitively, my name isn't Cat, far from it in fact my names Mary Jane. (revenge from my father for killing my mother. That's the way he puts it anyway, my mother died at child birth and ever since my farther has been a proud to being mean and nasty, anyway back to the story.)


This chunk is kind of similar to the one I mentioned beforehand. There are some runoffs but then again, it is a common writer error. Also, instead of "inquisitively", perhaps you could the synonym for it like curiously or questionly. Another thing, while you did give the reader some info about Mary Jane's name, I feel like you could've put it properly somewhere else in this chapter mainly because it is stuck out like a sore thumb or completely rewrite it so it makes sense, placing it somewhere else. Be sure for spelling mistakes as well.

Then I remembered my hat, a beenie with the words Cat scrawled across it in metallic blacks and whites, a late birthday present from my ex best friend, Jill, who also is trying to ruin my life by Spreading rumors that I am a murderer and more detailed information I would rather not go into.


Info dump here. I suggest little details about the hat Cat is wearing because all the info won't really make much of a difference later on in this novel.

"I'm fine" I said not very convincing.


Comma should be after "fine" also I would suggest saying "unconvincingly" because "not very convincing" feels, again, awkward. xP

"It's silly, I'm silly it really doesn't matter," I said trying to signify the conversation was over, I started to walk away.


I thought in the beginning, for a minute, she was sitting down? In any case, I think it'd be best if you explain where she is at? From what I'm picking up she's in school but where? In what class? Little details like that can spark the imagination of the reader.

Your scene where Mary Jane is explaining her problem to the stranger feels a bit rushed. Like, personally, I wouldn't tell anyone my own problems until I got to know them a little better. In this case, she flat out tells him because she trusts him. Now, if I'm thinking correctly, the MC went on a little rant about how no one really cares so how should this boy be an exception?

This is the part where I say I fell in love with him and we lived happily ever after, well that didn't happen. I don't like random boys hugging me, so I stepped back and gave him the stink eye, I know it was rude but so was hugging me I mean, who goes around hugging random people?.


This part feels a bit slow to me. Why didn't Mary Jane just kick the poor boy in the stomach to show him what she meant by no hugging?

Then just as the bus pulled up to the kerb I stood on my tippy toes and whispered in his ear:

"Hug me again and you'll regret it!"


*curb and I don't think anyone whispers really loudly in someone's ear. Instead, I think Cat should harshly whisper into the boy's ear.

I don't need random guys going around hugging me I have enough problems as it is without some boy bugging me.


Kind of repeating what is happening in the previous paragraph so it isn't needed.

Overall, this piece could use some work but with work, I believe this can show some improvement. Like I mentioned before, I think you should re-read this entire chapter and pick out singular things that stick out to you. Your ending needs some work, as well. It is slightly rushed.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Dino

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Mon May 01, 2017 10:11 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in here for a review.

I see that you have an interest in inner-monologue in this first chapter, and I have to say, I'm not that big of a fan of it. The introduction is a little bland and doesn't include a hook or anything to draw the reader into the chapter. Nothing to make them keep reading. I suggest that you go about this in a different way, your introductory paragraph. If you want to get this message across that friends, family, and teachers don't have your back when you need them, then I suggest you flesh it out. Right now, you're telling us these ideas, rather than showing us them.

That's where the piece of advice, "Show don't tell" pops up, and why it's so useful. I don't find this chapter to be honest, in a way. It's not as if it's outright lying to the reader, but I highly doubt that someone in real life would kiss a stranger not long after they've met them. It just isn't realistic, and you can tell me that it was love at first sight on how he listened and didn't interrupt you, but I wouldn't believe you. I want to see some sort of consequence for this main character kissing this boy named Cat who is described for his purple hair quite a bit in this chapter and his smile a little too often.

Not a fan that the main character is an expectation of what would happen in this situation, and not reality. This is one of those videos, and it's called, "Expectations vs Reality: Kissing a Stranger" and the reality is that this stranger could very well be dangerous and could even manipulate the main character from this kiss. There are an abundant amount of grammar errors in this chapter, and I won't go over all of them, but I'll go over some of them. Before that though, I wanted to note that the last paragraph is awfully a lot bigger than the others in this piece, and thought that you could break it down.

These characters are cardboard cut-outs of what actual people are supposed to be, and Cat is this Perfect Mysterious Purple-haired Stranger that we're all going to find more out about, and he may even have a dark past to accompany his looks. It's not that hard to predict where this story is going to end up, as its shrouded in stereotypes and other common tropes.

Anyway, let's jump right into some of the grammatical errors.

Siblings, either to old or to young to understand. Friends, too judgmental.


The flow here is awkward. You can just say 'Siblings are too young or old to understand.' and 'Friends are too judgmental.' though I'd like to see this idea fleshed out by actual scenes and events. The two 'to's in the first sentence are supposed to be 'too'.

"Hey don't cry Cat,"


Since you're not continuing this line with more dialogue, then you can just put a period after this. Not only that, but a comma after 'Hey' is necessary since you're taking a breath there.

"I'm fine" I said not very convincing.


You need a period after 'fine' and a comma after 'said', do you see what I'm getting at here? Since I won't be pointing out all of these, I suggest you find a grammar checker and proofread once you're a little more knowledgeable on grammar. I'll link some articles on the site regarding grammar that I think would help you out if you ended up reading them. They'll be here:

The Great Grammar Compendium

Commas

Punctuation within Dialogue

The Uses of the Comma that are Often Overlooked

And there are a handful of articles that could help you in later drafts if you decide to rewrite this. That's all I have for you today, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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FizzyGirl says...


Ok thanksfor your review, it really helped. I get your point about it being bland and some parts needing to flow better, I'm going to edit it right now and I will keep your suggestions in mind and correct my punctuation.



Kaylaa says...


Glad to see the review helped!



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Mon May 01, 2017 9:47 am
occymay wrote a review...



Hello, occymay here to review your work!

I loved this, it was short and sweet and very relatable.

Positives-
I love the beginning paragraph, I could relate to what she was saying so much. It made me feel so much closer to the character, though I would recommend telling us her real name because it created some distant. I love how spontaneous your character is, it makes the scene all the more exciting and keeps the reader interested. I am now also intrigued about her past, then she mentions her dad, teachers and boyfriend, so I want to continue reading. I think this was a good first chapter so well done ^_^

Improvements-
You kept mentioning the boy's brown eyes and purple hair, I personally wouldn't, mention it once because otherwise, it gets boring and tedious. I felt some of the boys' dialogue was a little unnatural so I suggest reading his dialogue out loud and considering whether no not someone would say that. I find this technique is really helpful. The last paragraph needs splitting up, it's way too big. This can make it hard to read because there is so much writing. I think it would make a nicer effect if the last sentence was "Am I crazy?" rather than "Possibly" because it leaves it for the reader to decide, make them question her actions. Like is she crazy?

I hope this helped, and that you continue writing this. If you post them on YWS in the future I would love to be tagged when you post so I can read them :)




FizzyGirl says...


Thanks for your review it helped so much and I was thinking I mentioned the boys people hair and brown eyes a bit too much, thanks again for your amazing review and of course I will tag you in the later chapters.




And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
— Bartimaeus of Uruk