Published October 29, 2011
This is a story about serving coffee to strangers, and driving fast with the windows down. And that girl that you know, any girl, she’s in the story too. You know the girl, but no one else knows her name. She is quiet, she is strange, and she is distant. Sometimes she is like staring in to a dirty mirror, because you loved her, once. But now it’s not the same. It’s harder to see.
She spends hours in solitary music practice, and she weeps. She talks to you about the house she grew up in, and freedom rushing past fast with her foot on the accelerator. And you find that you can not possibly remain detached, not from her, no matter how hard you try. So you will count your steps, repeat words in your head, seek love and reassurance from people who can’t give it to you. You’ll stare at the sky out the window as you lay in her car, seat reclined. You will look at the sky, of God.
You will hide in the bathroom with her, sitting curled up on the cubicle floor. She will stare at you and you will only stare back. You will only be able to blink and she will only cry as her lungs break through the surface of her skin and expand and contract on the outside of her shirt and your heart will pump its way out of its cage and down on to the floor. So she will breathe and you will pump, pump, pump blood out on to the floor for her to sit in and be safe. You'll sit with her in the practice room while she forgets what comes next and she'll rest her head against the cool glass of the mirror. You'll sit at the piano and stare at your fingers in the black reflection but you won't know how to play and she won't remember the notes. You'll pick up pieces to fit in to a puzzle you’ve never seen and you'll read and read but you won't be able to get it right and your heart will just keep beating because you've forgotten how to make it stop.
But this story does end. She gives you the emotional detachment, the choice, and it sounds like a soft piano, it sounds like trains far off in the distance. It all drifts away like a cloud so you can leave her in the bathroom and in the practice room driving too fast with the windows down. You can leave, and your heart can slow down, crawl back inside you, and come to rest where you remember it.
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
This was really cool and kinda caught me off gaurd. It was written beautifully, and ended just right. Not much to say other then good job and keep writting! =)
Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review. Most of the review will be grammatical errors, but I'll try to show you an overall view of what I think. This piece is really short, but I'll see what I can do
Replace the period after silence with a comma and lower case the b in but.
You don't need the word so at the beginning of this sentence, and there should be a comma after breathe.
There needs to be a comma after next.
This is a run-on sentence. Add a comma after reflection and replace the word and after play with a semi-colon (;)
This is a run-on sentence. Add a comma after seen, and a comma after read, then replace the word and after puzzle with a semi-colon.
Never start a sentence with the word but; in this case you can just get rid of it.
There needs to be a comma after cloud.
Oh, wow. This was really amazing. I didn't think much of it because in the beginning it sounds very off and distant, but towards the middle and end it becomes so much more! Bravo! If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.
Have a great day,
Tiffany
This is a really great piece. At first, I noticed some errors at the beginning that I thought needed to be corrected. They were errors in your use of commas. I noticed particularly that you forgot them when writing compound sentences. However, as I continued reading I noticed that you made the mistake more and more, and finally, I came to the conclusion that it was, perhaps, an intentional detail of your writing style. Then, when I got to the end, I rather enjoyed your use of the run-on (and on and on) sentences. They made the words more powerful, gave them speed, made it exciting to read. I loved the story, overall. Your writing style has a very rhythmic flow, something that sounds exquisite when read aloud.