I've written particular parts of this in bold because I would really appreciate some feedback and suggestions about words that might fit better, or ways I could make them a bit less clumsy. I've reworded some sentences three times and I just cant get them right.
You told him how you
Like to see the world
Through impaired eyes,
Glasses removed,
Eyes squinting in to slits.
You told him that everything was simpler,
Further away,
Blurred and undefinable.
He told you that
Without his glasses
He couldn't see the
Shine in your eyes,
Or the subtle nuances
Of your smile,
And your stomach flipped as he laid his hand on your knee.
Suddenly, you wished you
Would never need to blink again.
please excuse any dodgy formatting, my iPad refuses to co-operate.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey Fizz, this is monsters. You gave alot of feedback for my poems and I thought I would return the favor.
Already uninterested. This is awkward especially because you use the word 'you' two times 4 words apart. I mean you can't honestly read that aloud without noticing that it just doesn't sound right together. Also, more importantly this idea that you will start your poem with ' you said this and he said that' ect. mentality is really boring. You need to get to the climax at the start, the soonest you can excite us and change our view of something drastically the better, that means there is no room for blank lines like this, there is only room for emotions, images ect. I suggest you take it to a new level - each word should be a big cost to you and your readers and you should not only weigh the words in bold but the ands the thes the you, the back story ect. write this poem again but get to the meat-not the story, the story will come naturally but the meat, the sweet tasty juicy meat of everything that this poem should represent. cut,cut,cut.
Hello, happy review day!
I love how this poem stays true to the imagery of problems with sight. The idea of desperation created when you talk about how the character no-longer wanted glasses really cuts through the reader emotionally. By doing this, you grab and pull the reader in so they continue to read.
Once reading the whole poem I went back over to look at the words you have written in bold. Thank you so much for doing that.
By saying further away The reader is shown that the character is shortsighted. You can also tell within this poem that the two characters are falling in love(shown by the imagery of eyes, smile and stomach flipping)
One of my only nitpicks for this poem is that the title is a bit off. Why would you name a poem about sight glass. But then again, I am pulled toward the inquiry that the glass is a barrier for the boy as it restricts him, yet he needs it. Without is glass shield, his eyes would lay unprotected from the monstrous blur that clings to him.
I love the feeling and story created by this poem!
That's all from me,
Godly
Hi, my name is fangirl. I am going to review on this poem. I am not a great reviewer nor poet, but I will try my best on it.
All you need to edit your work and it will be a nice masterpiece. Well, happy later Christmas.
First off, the title doesn't fit on the poem. Maybe change the title for gear understanding for readers to know what's the poem about. The poem tell about a woman's boyfriend or husband who is blind.(Maybe you need to put the title as Glasses instead because glass means reflection and the poem doesn't talk about any reflection)
During reading this poem, I really like the style and the flow. However, the two lines at the end and the beginning are very choppy.
"Suddenly, you wished you
Would never need to blink again."
"you told him how you
like to see the world"
These lines are very awkward to me. Maybe change it or put the you's in the second line to make it better.
All in all, this poem is very good. It has some nice ideas which it is good.
-Cryaoticfangirl1367
I would change the name to "Glasses"
Glass infers reflections and mirrors, but you're dealing with more blurring and vision.
Now, in terms of story, I actually really like this, at least, until I got to the last two lines. I don't know why, but those two just did not mesh with the rest of the poem. You went from discussing vision to just blinking, which although the two do in some way coincide, in this situation, they are not related. Please change that.
Now, in terms of the bold words, the first two sound fine.
Third should be "farther" not "further"
And you already know my opinion of the last line.
You have a great idea going here, just refine your work, and you'll have a great piece.
Great!
Merry Christmas!
~Maddie
How about for "Would never need to blink again." why don't you put "would never have the need for glasses"? But thats just a minor suggestion because most of my things stink so far but eh. Anyway you should definitly write a few more poems. <3<
~Reya
That would make a lot more sense. I guess I'm just trying to convey that they are so taken by what he said that they don't even want to so much as close their eyes anymore, let alone take off their glasses. What do you think about 'and suddenly you wished that you never had to close your eyes again' or something like that?
yeah that would be alot better than the other two <3<