Published April 22, 2013
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
This is beautiful, as I'm reading I can feel the depth you've invested into it and the feeling it ignites are powerful ones. I especially like 'I could cut myself open and bleed out a million yes' and they would glisten like Stars'. It captures such beautiful imagery.
Heya
I especially love the part were u say…"the world stands behind bulletproof glass sound proof, sad proof, me proof that was my favourite line on the poem and the end two I guess perfect ending to a perfect poem
Thought I'd check your poetry out since you were nice enough for the review , and woah…im very glad I did I love this poem the detail and the thought into this piece plus I think the title caught my attention too! Its a really clever piece and I really dont see much wrong with it other than it being really amazing!
-yours truly Joshua
Heya Fizzy! Lemme do a chop-up for your piece, Birdcgae!
I really like these verses. They really say that you're a bird and it stands out as a poetic metaphor. I do wish that if you're gonna rewrite this, may you develop this style more for the rest of your stanzas. I see that you have them for the other stanzas, but unlike this one, those don't stand out. So try your best to make it more apparent, because believe me, they're good.
The simile here didn't work for me, unfortunately. I think I'm not highly inclined to the first verse I've quoted here, because it's a bit of a cliche. May I advise you to change it a bit, a rewrite maybe? So that it can become more unique. Then the simile of landmines is a bit confusing because the first thought that comes out of landmines are explosions, so the real sense you've put there didn't do well.
Don't do the stars, they're too sweet. You're talking about blood and gore, here, sister! Don't do sweet stars! Something a bit darker would do. Also, I like that last verse over there. Pretty sick for a bird
The last two stanzas are awesome. I absolutely love them. It has this very good flow and nice metaphors and the tone, yes the tone, had been kept fully functional. If there are some mistakes there, I might be buy lingering over the thought of your philosophy to not notice them
That's all for now! Keep writing and good luck! And since this is my last review, lemme say: schadenfreude!
Your pal,
Al
Hello Fizz! Looks like I am going to be your first reviewer on this piece!
Sorry that it all seems so bad, I really really loved reading this piece. It was absolutely fantastic, it has so much power just hidden beneath the surface, bring it out!! You have the skills to! And if you ever need any help I am always here for anything you need. I hope that you don't take anything I have said to heart! I can't wait to read more of your work though, you have found yourself a new follower! 
Alright, first things first, and it starts in the first stanza. You put the ' mark when you are quoting what the person is saying, in my opinion it still should be the " sign. Then, adding the word "and" between "landmines" and "I" would remove that period and slide through the stanza with much finesse! I absolutely adored the last three lines in this stanza as well, the metaphor you used? I haven't seen before, and it made it all the more sweet.
Next, the second stanza, after the end of the first three lines there should be commas. Also, like I said about stanza one, you use the ' mark instead of the " mark, you also forgot to add the first mark to the quote. (Not an uncommon mistake at all, I have done it quite a few times). In the same stanza, I think you should end the third line in a period and continue the next line without the word "and", putting it down on to the beginning of the next line. You have so much power within this stanza, and you were tapping at the surface with only a few tiny errors.
Beginning of the first line in the fourth stanza, would also look smoother if it ended it in a period. I honestly believe that this is my favorite part of this piece, it emits a unmistakable light that you just can't ignore! Love, love, love, love, LOVE!!!
Last stanza, cut off the first line after the word "enclosure" and start the next line with the "leaks out oxygen." That is all I have to say that is negative about this piece.
~Skye~
Thanks for the review!
Firstly, I'm going to take your advice on the quotation marks, even if only because they have caused confusion (I just prefer the single ' aesthetically). The single ' after yes is to indicate plural, like yeses.
I really appreciate the detailed nature of your review, and as much as I hate people who do what I'm doing, I'm going to ignore some of your advice. I think in a few places I can see the merit of your suggestion, but in those situations I have made a deliberate decision stylistically. For example,
'Each end is a new beginning,
and they stretch out before me
like landmines. I am tired.'
This was a deliberate choice of rhythm. Your advice was perfectly valid, and you are most likely giving me advice that would enhance the quality of the poem, but I'm being incredibly stubborn.
Thank you for the review!