Published February 12, 2009
battered bob dylan wanna-be
sings about drug wars and crack whores
(finger-plucked acoustic chords)
[i]I kneel
by his pleading guitar case
with a faded green bill
and hope my smile isn't patronizing.[/i]
people bustle by
grey faces, grey lives
(it's nice to see someone with life in his eyes)
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Canary word: Present
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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
I love this. It's effortless. The reader can feel himself transformed into the setting you create. I can feel the concrete under my feet and hear the hum of the crowd in the back of my mind. This poem makes me feel transformed; I forgot myself when I read it.
But my favorite part is the way you tell so much with so little. You only use the word "I" once, but the reader can get so much of the character just from the few lines.
Nitpicks?
I don't like your use of the word pleading. It feels a bit contrived.
Also, this is a ridiculous point do bring up, but would the speaker take the time to kneel all the way to the ground to put the bill in? I feel like "lean over" or "crouch over" or something would be more of the right action. It connotes a shorter time spent. Does that make sense?
Anyway, well done. Bravo.
rachel
This is one of those rare poems where I have practically no changes to recommend. And the ones I have amount to nothing, really. Oh, others might come along and review, and I might find myself agreeing with their suggestions, but as it stands right now, as I've just read this, all I could find after reading it many times over are a couple words I might replace to tweak the rhythm.
I'm not really positive that it will affect the rhythm much either way, but I might change these lines:
"with a faded green bill ,
hoping my smile isn't patronizing" where I put the bold.
And I might also change "by", in line 5, to "beside".
Otherwise, what I really wanted to comment on was that your rhyme scheme is genius. It was stunningly pulled together. Very subtle, natural, and it fits the poem perfectly.
One last thing; I don't ordinarily recommend leaving out capitalization, but it works here. It really does; I think you made the right decision and it's better without them.
Great job!! *gold star's*