"Lucky Me" Prologue

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

You may have heard the story of Pandora’s Box, how Pandora was told not to open a certain object. (I have heard many different accounts on what exactly the object was, for instance some say it was a jar, but I believe it actually was a solid block of wood with a chamber inside.) But letting her curiosity get the better of her, she opened it and released all the horrible things that were inside. Such as sickness, hate, greed, bad luck and many more evils out into the world, leaving only a gem named Hope at the bottom of the Box.

But you probably didn't hear about the prophecy, how one day the gem would be opened to counteract the evil that was released. So Pandora dedicated her whole life looking for “the gem promise”. She didn't find it in her lifetime though, so when she died she left that legacy to her daughter, who then passed it on to her daughter, and it continued through the family line for many generations. Until one day, the sixteenth generation found the key and opened “Hope”. And up from it sprung medical remedies along with self control, morals and good luck, to counterbalance the evil that Pandora had released years before.

But while everything balanced out for the most part, good luck and bad luck tilted back and forth, like a scale that had gone crazy, making everyone’s lives miserable. After enduring this torture for many moons, the few clans of the young world decided that there should be a gathering so that they might attract both kinds of luck with the amount of people there. It worked. Good luck and bad luck came down on the gathering like ghosts. And offering a prayer and a sacrifice to the gods, they stored luck into a boy’s body in hope that they could keep Luck controlled. But it was not meant to be. The boy whom they watched so carefully escaped and to everybodys delight, was never heard of again.

Sorry I'm late... my edits in bold.

Firestar wrote:Prologue

You may have heard the story of Pandora’s Box, how Pandora was told not to open a certain object. (I have heard many different accounts on what exactly the object was, for instance some say it was a jar, but I believe it actually was a solid block of wood with a chamber inside.) But, No comma needed here. letting her curiosity get the better of her Put the comma after "her" instead. she opened it and released all the horrible things that were inside, I would end this sentence here, and start the next with "Such things like sickness...". like sickness, hate, greed, Bad Luck Why do you capitalize this?? and many more evils out into the world, leaving only a gem named Hope at the bottom of the Box. I think that here, you need a lot more info on the story of Pandora's box.

But A lot of "but"s here... you probably didn’t hear about the prophecy, how one day the gem would be opened to counteract the evil that was released. So Pandora dedicated her whole life looking for “the gem promise”. Hmm. I'm confused. Didn't she already have the box with the gem in it?? What is the gem promise??? But Way too many "but"s!! she didn’t find it in her lifetime, so when she died she left that legacy to her daughter, and when she died she left it to her daughter. Get rid of the second "and when she died she left it to her daughter." I would change this whole sentence to "She didn't find it in her lifetime, so when she died she left that legacy to her daughter, who then passed it on to her daughter, and it continued through the family line for many generations." This continued for many generations, If you do what I said before, change this opening to "It took many years,..." but finally the sixteenth generation succeeded,Change this comma into a period. “Hope” (the gem) We know that it's the gem, get rid of the parentheses. was finally opened. And up from it sprung medical remedies along with self-control, morals and good luck, You capitalized "bad luck", so why don't you caps "good luck"?? to counterbalance the evil that Pandora had released years before. Overall, this was a very good paragraph.

But while everything balanced out for the most part, good luck and bad luck Here you caps neither, so I would just not cap the first "bad luck". tilted back and forth, like a scale that had gone crazy, making everyone’s lives miserable. Great sentence!! After enduring this torture for many moons (that was the way they measured time back then) Get rid of the parentheses again, it messes up the rhythm (yes, even stories are supposed to have rhythm) and most people who read a lot will know what many moons means. the few clans of the young world decided that there should be a gathering so that they might attract both kinds of Luck Here you capitalize it again... make up your mind! with the amount of people there. It worked. Good Luck and Bad Luck AAAAAAH!!! came down on the gathering like ghosts. And using “Hope” Ditch the quotation marks. with a prayer and a sacrifice, they stored Luck into a boy’s body in hope that they could keep Luck controlled. But it was not meant to be. The boy whom they watched so carefully escaped and they never heard of him again. I didn't really like this last sentence much...

The main reason I wrote it that way is because it's the prologue. But if you think it can be better "living it", I'll try writing it that way.

The grammar errors have already been caught, those pesky little devils... So I will continue with other story critiques.

This was essentially a big info-dump in all honesty. You tell us what happened, but we don't get to watch them happen. I want to see the gathering myself and the Lucks settling down. I want to see Hope go into the boy. It would be so much more powerful if you wrote this as it was happening.

But I am very curious. I want to see what is going to happen. I want to know how the boy escaped...

Nice job on revamping an old myth... Great stuff...

~GryphonFledgling

Interesting, I am familiar with Pandora's box, I even started a rendition of the story. (vary graphic in my account though) I would like to see how this story turns out. keep on it.

That was really good. I'm guessing your main character will be the Luck boy. You have so many possibilities with him so use it wisely. I liked the prologue very much. It really lures the reader into the story, especially at the end. I can't wait till you post Chapter 1!

Keep on writing!

**L_A

Thanks for the advice Prokaryote!

Sumi H. Inkblot wrote:G'evening!

Since Pork's already picked at your grammar, I'm here to blah about plot elements and whatnot.

1: Pandora is one of my favorite legends ever. You get points for awesomeness.
This may or may not be your interpretation of the myth, but I think that Hope was originally a little butterfly thing? A dove? Did you change it intentionally to a jewel, or what?

2. Errrrrr...about "Hope": I am very confused. You say that "Hope" is a precious gem, but then you make it sound like a box. A little clarity, perhaps? Hope was left in the chest, after Pandora slammed the lid shut -- why would she have to look for it? In cases such as this, you've really got to let us [s]Greek mythology freaks[/s] know.

3. OK. You've got a character with some freaking awesome possibilities... And you leave us hanging like that. Darn you.

Slug a PM my way when you update! I'm looking forward to this.

~Sumi

G'evening!

Since Pork's already picked at your grammar, I'm here to blah about plot elements and whatnot.

1: Pandora is one of my favorite legends ever. You get points for awesomeness.
This may or may not be your interpretation of the myth, but I think that Hope was originally a little butterfly thing? A dove? Did you change it intentionally to a jewel, or what?

2. Errrrrr...about "Hope": I am very confused. You say that "Hope" is a precious gem, but then you make it sound like a box. A little clarity, perhaps? Hope was left in the chest, after Pandora slammed the lid shut -- why would she have to look for it? In cases such as this, you've really got to let us [s]Greek mythology freaks[/s] know.

3. OK. You've got a character with some freaking awesome possibilities... And you leave us hanging like that. Darn you.

Slug a PM my way when you update! I'm looking forward to this.

~Sumi

Hey Firestar.

Deleted words indicated by strike-outs; added/modified parts in bold; my commentary in red.

Prologue

You may have heard the story of Pandora’s Box, of how Pandora was told not to open a certain object. (I have heard many different accounts on what exactly the object was; for instance, some say it was a jar, but I believe it actually was a solid block of wood with a chamber inside.) But, letting her curiosity get the better of her she opened it and released all the horrible things that were inside, like sickness, hate, greed, bad luck and many more evils out into the world, leaving a gem named Hope at the bottom of the Box.

But [Too many "but"s.] you probably didn’t hear about the prophecy, how one day the gem would be opened to counteract the evil that was released. So Pandora dedicated her whole life looking for “the gem promise.” But [Ack!] she didn’t find it in her lifetime, so when she died she left that legacy to her daughter, and when she died she left it to her daughter. This continued for many generations, but finally the sixteenth generation succeeded: “Hope” (the gem) was finally opened. And up from it sprung medical remedies along with self control, morals and good luck, to counterbalance the evil that Pandora had released years before.

But while everything balanced out for the most part, good luck and bad luck tilted back and forth, like a scale that had gone crazy, making everyone’s lives miserable. After enduring this torture for many moons [s](that was the way they measured time back then)[/s] the few clans of the young world decided that there should be a gathering so that they might attract both kinds of Luck with the amount of people there. It worked. Good Luck and Bad Luck came down on the gathering like ghosts. And using “Hope” with a prayer and a sacrifice, they stored Luck into a boy’s body in hope [Is using "hope" in this sentence really a good idea?] that they could keep Luck controlled. But it was not meant to be. The boy whom they watched so carefully escaped and they never heard of him again.