Published March 20, 2008
The foggy shadow emerges,
A ghostly ship of lore,
A shadow of its previous life,
Lying on the ocean floor.
The wonder and the splendor,
Filling the silent halls,
The phantom is still there,
As it softly hauntingly calls.
The hellish screams that night,
Echo in my mind,
As I go on through the water,
Leaving it all behind.
But although we are parting,
I still want to grieve,
Its spirit is still with me,
Even as I leave.
(I know it's rough, I wrote in five minutes)
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139,486 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Lovely. I really liked it. It was incredibly well for being written in Five minutes. You gave clear emotion and imagery. It was very nice and a rather enjoyable piece of work.
Bravo!
You showed and didn't tell the whole poem
You described the ship so well and it drew a perfect pic in my mind
I was awesome!!!!!!!!!
I was also very inspiration
Conceptually the poem is great, but you had a few things in there that threw me off a bit.
The first stanza was fantastic, the rhyme weaved in nicely without being forced.
The second and the fourth lines bother me here, for the second line, I really think "fill the silent halls" wound flow better, but that's just me.
"Softly hauntingly calls"? I know what you're trying to do, but when you write it that way it sounds very awkward and it's as if you were trying to get "calls" at the end of the sentence just to get it to rhyme. Unfortunately, this makes it forced. I'd consider going over this line.
This stanza I felt was awkward too. The last two lines feel disjointed. "As I go on through the water leaving it all behind" sounds awkward. I feel "As I go on through the water I leave it all behind" would sound better. But once again, just my opinion.
The first and second lines confuse me, if you're parting with someone, wouldn't you want to grieve? You have poetic license, but it doesn't make sense to me. On the last two lines, you used "It's", when it should be "Its". When you break down the contraction it comes out as "It is spirit is still with me", which makes no sense at all.
Hope this helps!
Very Cool. Though I didn't quite get the last line. It went from spooky horror to sad sorrow? But thats just me keep up the good work ^-^ not like you need me to tell you.
I actually liked it.
I can't point out the errors, i don't know why?
It just seams something is...off when i read it.
I don't know maybe someone else can explain it?
Anyway nice job, i liked it.
despite the few grammatical errors the tone in th poem is fantastic, eerie voice you have.
Thank you for your comments!
Loved this!
I do agree with Rieda though that it needs some puncuation.
Loved this line!
This has great potential!
-Sometimes-
Hello!
I do think that this has potential. What I think you need to work on however is your punctuation. And also, realize that poems about the Titanic have been done a lot and you don't want to follow in the cliche. Something major is needed to change yours from everyyone else's. If you don't make those changes I don't get the full effect of your words because I've heard them before. I want to know what makes this version so unique. You know?
PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda