Bloodlust Chapter 1 part 2

Okay so here I go with part 2! There were quite a few grammatical errors that I noticed, and I was surprised to find out that the MC is a girl. I assumed that she was a boy from the first part of the story. Perhaps you could add something to the beginning of part one that would explain her being a girl. Anyways, on with the story.

Firestalker wrote:Chapter 1 part 2
All I could do was move my head #0000FF ">comma so I bent it towards my body to see where I was. What I saw almost turned my stomach upside down. I was nailed down to a wooden board from my hands and legs. #0000FF ">Sounds a bit awkward, maybe rewording it into something like "My hands and legs were nailed down to a wooden board." My eyes widened in shock. It wasn't pleasant to see myself in that #0000FF ">this condition. I gasped in surprise for the fact that none of my wounds hurt. I would have vomited at the sight of my nailsed limbs, but for some reason i did not feel disgusted.
“Arianna Robinson, Daughter of Robert Robinson and Mary Robinson, Sister of William Robinson. Age seventeen, black hair, blue eyes #0000FF ">You need either a comma, semicolon, or a new sentence depending on what sort of rhythm you're hoping to convey. disappeared three days ago in the forest while searching for flowers. Am I right?” A cold smooth voice asked #0000FF ">comma then added "though i can say that your eye colour has since then changed#0000FF ">period"
I was surprised but didn’t show it. Slowly I willed my head to move towards the direction where the voice came from.
Two men towered above me. The one closer to me was almost twice as tall as me. #0000FF ">A lot of "me" in these two short sentences. Also he looked as if he was fully comprised of large muscles. He wore a mask of black cloth, his chest was bare and he wore short black trousers. I instantly recognized him to be one of the guards or executioners of wherever I was in. I struggled to see who was behind this bulky executioner, but all I could manage to see was a slim hand covered with a black sleek cloth mostly worn by lawyers holding a something that looked like an old book with a picture of a skull on its cover.
“You are most likely a newborn, #0000FF ">semicolon or a new sentence the master might let you live when he sees you, #0000FF ">Dash or something to make an appropriate pause. The way you have it, he's speaking very hurriedly in a run-on sentence. that is if you cooperate with us#0000FF ">comma” T#0000FF ">the same voice said.
“Show yourself if you dare#0000FF ">comma” I spat and then restrained myself from snarling. #0000FF ">"I spat, restraining myself from snarling" sounds better.
I was clearly surprised by my sudden boldness. Considering the way I would act in normal circumstances this was certainly very bold. A muffled laugh reached my ears, instantly I knew it would be too soft for the human ear to hear. #0000FF ">Eh? What does that mean?
“You are in no position to give orders#0000FF ">comma” said the man, a hint of amusement in his voice.
Angered by this, I struggled to restrain #0000FF ">you just used "restrain" not that long ago. You need a different word. myself from screaming at the top of my voice.
“What do you want?” I asked finally after a few moments of silence.
“We simply need you to help us… restrain more of your kind... with your help that is.” #0000FF ">Okay, you just said "need you to help us" and then you said "with your help" again. It's too repetitive. R#0000FF ">replied the man, he was clearly satisfied with himself from #0000FF ">about? for? some word like that my sudden cooperativeness.
I thought for a while. Would I choose to help these… humans or help my own kind, the same kind who had captured me, turned me and left me for dead? But there were more like me, more innocent souls who would get imprisoned in this god forsaken prison to rot for eternity.
No, I wouldn't let that happen, I wouldn't let them be captured like me.
“What’s in it for me?” I asked almost whispering this time
"If you cooperate according to our wishes then we will... let you go free." I felt his hesitation as he replied quickly.
The slight curving of his tone to a higher pitch told me that he was clearly lying even though he tried to look firm enough to convince.
Maybe this isn’t that bad after all.
“No#0000FF ">comma” I whispered loud enough for both of the men to hear.
The larger man who had not moved or spoken since I awoke smiled in satisfaction and said#0000FF ">comma “I told you so. These bloodsuckers are all the same.”
The man behind him sighed,#0000FF ">period “I guess your #0000FF ">you're right. Go ahead then,” said the man#0000FF ">comma his voice suddenly filled with evil encouragement.
“My pleasure,” said the large man#0000FF ">comma his voice hoarse and rough.
The large man took one step towards me and then removed my arms from the nails by pulling them #0000FF ">Which them? The nails out, or the arms? out. I screamed in agony as the pain suddenly shot up my hands through my body. The throbbing subsided soon and was replaced by a burning sensation which was in turn replaced by a cool feeling. I smiled to myself as I looked at my healed hands with only blood to prove there had once been wounds there. #0000FF ">Cooool. I tried to struggle but was too weak. The man removed my legs from the nails and I felt the same throbbing and cool sensation yet again. Then to my sheer horror he turned me around with ease and pushed #0000FF ">my hands back onto the nails. The pain was twice as painful as before. #0000FF ">"pain" and "painful" in the same sentence, it's too repetitive. I yelped as my body struggled to remove the torture. Blood from my hands poured down the table as my injuries bled. My bare legs suffered the same agony. Tears came into my eyes and I started crying, B#0000FF ">but to my relief my injuries healed after a few minutes of pain.
"Bloodsuckers have the extraordinary power to heal their wounds even without them wanting it. But there are things that even the dead cannot heal. One of these things are #0000FF ">"is" I think. It sounds better, at any rate. the rare Werewolf saliva. The saliva is almost harmless to humans but lethal to your kind. It burns the skin and prevents your blood from healing the wounds. So we have found an effective way of using this liquid other than just throwing it away. Observe,#0000FF ">period” The cold even voice suggested that it was the smaller man speaking.
I turned my head as far as possible. I saw the executioner pour a liquid onto a long black whip. Once the liquid was finished he let go of the beaker which fell onto the floor and clattered to a stop. I turned my head and waited to see if what the man had said was true. The minute I managed to turn around the whip met its mark, my back. Luckily I had my shirt on, the same shirt I had stole from the Vampires I had escaped from. It managed to restrict the blows of the whip to some extent. But to my misfortune, the smaller man realized this to.
“Stop,” he commanded
The executioner, clearly puzzled by this command stopped. I heard the small man#0000FF ">apostrophes footsteps echo through the room as he approached me. He cut the back of my shirt with something sharp until I was bare-chested. #0000FF ">Her chest is on the board, right? So that would technically be bare-backed, although that sounds kind of weird. Although I was nailed to the desk, I still blushed in embarrassment.
“What soft skin you have#0000FF ">comma” he said#0000FF ">comma gently tracing my spinal cord with his fingers #0000FF ">and sending a chill through my body.
He did this several times, but then after a few minutes he withdrew his hands and said “Continue” to the executioner#0000FF ">comma who didn’t seem disturbed by my anguish.
The whipping started again. The agony of each whip increased twofold each time he whipped me. #0000FF ">Again, you're getting repetitive here. Whipping, whip, whipped all in two sentences. The pain didn’t subside like it did #0000FF ">had with the nails, and I smelled my skin burning. I screamed, cursed, screamed again until my jaws started to hurt. Tears poured out of my eyes at every strike. They burned like my back. After a few minutes of unbearable pain, my legs went limp, followed by the rest of my body. I felt like passing out but the pain kept me awake.

The executioner#0000FF ">comma on the other hand#0000FF ">comma kept up his whipping as if he was having fun by doing his inhuman work. I could hear him sometimes laughing slightly. He seemed to be playing a game; after the first few whips the executioner tried to hit the open wound yet again and again. It was sick to know that he was actually enjoying torturing me. He succeeded from time to time#0000FF ">comma making me scream and cry at the same time. Finally after an hour that seemed like eternity to me, the executioner stopped and removed my hands and legs from the nails. I felt nothing, #0000FF ">no comma needed here but the agony of the burns. My body was past its limit now, and I wouldn’t even notice if someone cut me to little pieces. I was numb like a stone and the thought of being disgusted of my state crossed my mind. I was lifted off the torture table and onto the floor. My body was all a wound. I noticed that the smaller man was not to be seen. He #0000FF ">You just talked about the smaller man, and even though you said he wasn't there, it still seems like you're talking about him. then removed the shreds of my shirt. I tried to stop him, my hands shooting up in an automatic reflex, but he easily brushed them off. I tried to struggle but my body was too weak#0000FF ">comma so I leaned against the nearest wall embarrassed, afraid, and angry. Once my shredded and torn shirt was on the floor he lifted my hands and put on another shirt clearly made for male prisoners only. The shirt was a little too big for me. It was made of brown harsh linen cloth that made the pain from my back even more agonizing. The smell of cheap launder was strong enough to make me sick. I was then pulled through the numerous halls by my legs.
Now I know what a broom feels like. #0000FF ">As amusing as this line is, would she really be thinking that if she was in such agony? I don't think I'd be capable of thought if I had been tortured like that.
The ground was extremely hard and barely smooth. My head kept banging on the stones of the uneven floor. The executioner stopped in front of a large prison and then lifted me off the ground. He then opened the cage a little#0000FF ">comma barely enough for me to enter#0000FF ">comma and threw me into the prison. The first thing I saw was #0000FF ">were three pairs of bloodthirsty eyes. The next thing I felt was my face hitting the ground. I took a breath of dust and started to cough painfully. I gave up trying to keep my conscience.

*********************************************************************

the plot is developing well but things like grammar can let you down a bit. The story flows nicely as it is , but i think it would be even better if you tried to vary your vocabulary. Perhaps even using phrases and imagery to describe feelings in detail?

still ,overall i like it - and i hardly read fiction with vampires in it.

I finally posted Chapter 2 guys (who are still interested)

Link - topic55799.html

Hey, i like the plot, it is much better than the last time. i can tell that the mistakes you ahd amde were all cleared out.

you did well for writing with the main character as a girl, though iwould suggest that you amy give some detail with the whipping.

that would be a bit better

Thanks a lot ashleylee, could never have done the gender part without you and Fellow. Thank you too Fellow. And okay I'll PM you when chapter 2 part 1 comes out.

Firestalker, I really am not being much help, am I?

I'm so sorry. Here I am and hopefully I can clear things up for good this time

The whipping started again. The agony of each whip increased twofold each time he whipped me. The pain didn’t subside like it did with the nails comma and I smelled my skin burning. I screamed, cursed, screamed again until my jaws started to hurt. Tears poured out of my eyes at every strike. They burned like my back. After a few minutes of unbearable pain, my legs went limp, followed by the rest of my body. I felt like passing out but the pain kept me awake.


The executioner on the other hand kept up his whipping as if he was having fun by doing his inhuman work. I could hear him sometimes laughing slightly. He seemed to be playing a game; after the first few whips the executioner tried to hit the open wound yet again and again. It was sick to know that he was actually enjoying torturing me. He succeeded from time to time making me scream and cry at the same time. Finally after an hour that seemed like eternity to me, the executioner stopped and removed my hands and legs from the nails. I felt nothing,but the burns. This last sentence is awkward. I would reword like maybe: I felt nothing but the agony of the burns or something like that My body was past its limit and now I wouldn’t know if someone cut me to pieces. Try instead to reword this last sentence like: My body was past its limit now, and I wouldn't even notice if someone cut me into little pieces. I was numb like a puppet I'm not sure "puppet" is the right use here. Maybe use "stone" or "paralyzed" and the thought of being disgusted of my state crossed my mind. I was lifted off the torture table and onto the floor.My body was all a wound. I noticed that the smaller man was not to be seen. He then removed the shreds of my shirt. I tried to stop him, my hands shot up to stop him automatically as a reflex, but he easily brushed them off. Reword. Maybe try: I tried to stop him, my hands shooting up in an automatic reflex, but he easily brushed them off. I tried to struggle but my body was too weak so I leaned against the nearest wall embarrassed, afraid, and angry. Once my shredded and torn shirt was on the floor he lifted my hands and put on another shirt clearly made for male prisoners only. The shirt was a little too big for [s]her[/s] me. It was made of brown harsh linen cloth that made the pain from [s]her[/s] my back even more agonizing. The smell of cheap launder was strong enough to make [s]her[/s] me sick. I was then pulled through the numerous halls by my legs.

Hallos! Sorry I forgot about this. I took my time and reviewed it properly. Here it goes :
So the main character is a girl. Ok. Being a boy and writing the story at the first person it's quite a strange move, but hell! Its about being original

I woke up and tried to stand, but something held me back.

All I could do was move my head so I bent it towards my body to see where I was. What I saw was not pleasant. I was nailed down to a wooden board from my hands and legs. My eyes widened in shock and then I gasped in surprise for the fact that none of my wounds hurt.

“If you cooperate according to our wishes, then we will... let you go free.” Replied the voice instantly as if waiting for me to ask him the question.

Although his voice seemed firm I could tell from the slight curving of his tone to a higher pitch that he was clearly lying.

The pain was twice as painful as before. I yelped as my body struggled to remove the torture. Blood from my hands poured down the table as my injuries bled. My bare legs suffered the same agony. But to my relief my injuries healed after a few minutes of pain.

“What soft skin you have” he said gently tracing my spinal cord with his fingers sending a chill through my body.
He did this several times, but then after a few minutes he withdrew his hands and said “Continue” to the executioner who didn’t seem disturbed by my anguish.

The pain didn’t subside like it did with the nails and I smelled my skin burning.Tears poured out of my eyes as a cried or tried to cry due to the burning sensation.

Though my body was already limp I could still feel the throbbing and burning on my back.

I felt nothing,but the burns. My body was past its limit and now I wouldn’t know if someone cut me to pieces. I was numb like a puppet and the thought of being disgusted of my state crossed my mind.

I was lifted off the torture table and onto the floor.My body was all a wound. I noticed that the smaller man was not to be seen.

The next thing I new my face was on the ground and I gave up trying to keep my body functioning.

Describe how she knows the shirt is for male prisoners. Does it fit loose, snug, ect? That way, the reader can infer that it's a girl, you know?

The whipping started again. The agony of each whip increased twofold each time he whipped me. The pain didn’t subside like it did with the nails and I smelled my skin burning. Tears poured out of my eyes as a cried or tried to cry due to the burning sensation. After a few minutes of unbearable pain, my legs went limp, followed by the rest of my body. Though my body was already limp I could still feel the throbbing and burning on my back.

The executioner on the other hand kept up his whipping as if he was having fun by doing his inhuman work. I could hear him sometimes laughing slightly. He was playing a small game. "Playing a game"...that kind of gives the vibe of a guy thinking...? After the first few whips the executioner tried to hit the open wound yet again and again. He succeeded from time to time making me scream and cry at the same time.Finally after an hour that seemed like eternity to me, the executioner stopped and removed my hands and legs from the nails. I felt nothing, my body was past its limit and now I wouldn’t know if someone cut me to pieces. I was lifted off the torture table and onto the floor. I noticed that the smaller man was not to be seen. He then removed the shreds of my shirt. "Removed my shirt" If she's a girl, wouldn't she be kind of embarrassed by it?? Once my shredded and torn shirt was on the floor he lifted my hands and put on another shirt clearly made for male prisoners only Describe how she knows the shirt is for male prisoners. Does it fit loose, snug, ect? That way, the reader can infer that it's a girl, you know?. I was then pulled through the numerous halls by my legs.

No it doesn't. Not exactly. How do you exactly turn it to a female perspective?

Firestalker:

It was when she was getting captured...I guess just the air you gave is when it sounded like a boy. Here, I'll just quote it for you

The whipping started again. The agony of each whip increased twofold each time he whipped me. The pain didn’t subside like it did with the nails and I smelled my skin burning. Tears poured out of my eyes as a cried or tried to cry due to the burning sensation. After a few minutes of unbearable pain, my legs went limp, followed by the rest of my body. Though my body was already limp I could still feel the throbbing and burning on my back.

The executioner on the other hand kept up his whipping as if he was having fun by doing his inhuman work. I could hear him sometimes laughing slightly. He was playing a small game. After the first few whips the executioner tried to hit the open wound yet again and again. He succeeded from time to time making me scream and cry at the same time. Finally after an hour that seemed like eternity to me, the executioner stopped and removed my hands and legs from the nails. I felt nothing, my body was past its limit and now I wouldn’t know if someone cut me to pieces. I was lifted off the torture table and onto the floor. I noticed that the smaller man was not to be seen. He then removed the shreds of my shirt. Once my shredded and torn shirt was on the floor he lifted my hands and put on another shirt clearly made for male prisoners only. I was then pulled through the numerous halls by my legs.

To Kaylyn

I don't quiet understand that comma after the 'stop' grammar mistake.


To Ashleylee

Where do you think the main character is a boy and why??


To all

I edited the post. how is it now? Thanks a lot all of who have critiqued and commented. I just wish someone more would. Anyway thanks again i will post the second part soon and PM all of you thanks yet again.

Firestalker wrote:Chapter 1 part 2

I woke up and tried to stand, but something held me back. All I could do was move my head so I bent it towards my body to see where I was. What I saw was not pleasant. I was nailed down to a wooden board [s]from[/s] by my hands and legs. My eyes widened in shock and then I gasped in surprise for the fact that none of my wounds hurt.
“Arianna Robinson, Daughter of Robert Robinson and Mary Robinson, Sister of William Robinson. Age seventeen, black hair, blue eyes disappeared three days ago in the forest while searching for flowers. Am I right?” [s]A[/s] a cold smooth voice asked.
I was surprised but didn’t show it. Slowly I willed my head to move towards the direction where the sound came from.
Two men towered above me. The one closer to me was almost twice as tall as [s]me[/s] I was. Also he looked as if he was fully comprised of large muscles. He wore a mask of black cloth, his chest was bare and he wore short black trousers. I instantly recognized him to be one of the guards or executioners of where ever I was in. I struggled to see who was behind him but all I could see was a slim hand covered with a black sleek cloth mostly worn by lawyers.
“You are most likely a newborn, the master might let you live when he sees you. That is if you cooperate with us” The same voice said.
“Show yourself if you dare” I spat and then restrained myself from snarling.
I was clearly surprised by my sudden boldness. Considering the way I would act in normal circumstances this was certainly very bold. Go into more detail here. I would like to know more about your MC I heard a muffled laugh, the instant I did I knew it would be too soft for the human ear to hear.
“You are in no position to give orders” said the man, a hint of amusement in his voice.
Angered by this, I struggled to restrain myself from screaming at the top of my voice.
“What do you want?” I asked finally after a few minutes of silence.
“We simply need you to help us… restrain more of your kind... with your help that is.” Replied the man, he was clearly satisfied with himself from my sudden cooperativeness.
I thought for a while. Would I choose to help these… humans or help my own kind, the same kind who had captured me, turned me and left me for dead? But there were more like me, [s]m[/s] my innocent souls who would get imprisoned in this god forsaken prison to rot for eternity.
No, I won’t let that happen. I wont let them be captured like me.
“What’s in it for me” I asked almost whispering this time
“If you cooperate according to our wishes, then we will... let you go free.” Replied the voice instantly as if waiting for me to ask him the question.
Although his voice seemed firm I could tell from the slight curving of his tone to a higher pitch that he was clearly lying. I smiled to myself at how sharp my sense of hearing was.
Maybe this isn’t that bad after all
“No” I whispered loud enough for both of the men to hear.
The larger man who had not moved or spoken since I awoke smiled in satisfaction and said “I told you so. These bloodsuckers are all the same.”
The man behind him sighed.
“I guess your right. Go ahead then” said the man his voice suddenly filled with evil encouragement.
“My pleasure” said the large man his voice hoarse and rough.
The large man took one step towards me and then removed my arms from the nails by pulling them out. I screamed in agony as the pain suddenly shot up my hands through my body. The throbbing subsided soon and was replaced by a burning sensation which was in turn replaced by a cool [s]felling[/s] feeling. I smiled to myself as [s]i[/s] I looked at my healed hands with only blood to prove there had once been wounds there. I tried to struggle but I was too weak. The man removed my legs from the nails and I felt the same throbbing and cool sensation yet again. Then to my sheer horror he turned me around with ease and pushed hands back onto the nails. The pain was twice as painful as before. Blood from my hands poured down the table as my injuries bled. My bare legs suffered the same agony. But to my relief my injuries healed after a few minutes of pain.
‘Bloodsuckers have the extraordinary power to heal their wounds even without them wanting it. But there are things that even the dead cannot heal. One of theses [s]tings[/s] things are the rare Werewolf saliva. The saliva is almost harmless to humans but lethal to your kind. It burns the skin and prevents your blood from healing the wounds. So we have found an effective way of using this liquid other than just throwing it away. Observe” Said the smaller man, still unseen to me.
I turned my head as far as possible. I saw the executioner pour a liquid onto a long black whip. Once the liquid was finished he let go of the beaker which fell onto the floor and clattered to a stop. I turned my head and waited to see if what the man had said was true. The minute I managed to turn around the whip met its mark, my back. Luckily I had my shirt on, the same shirt I had stole from the Vampires I had escaped from. It managed to restrict the blows of the whip to some extent. But to my misfortune the smaller man realized this to.
“Stop” He commanded
The executioner, clearly puzzled by this command stopped. I heard the small mans footsteps echo through the room as he approached me. He cut the back of my shirt with something sharp until I was bare-chested.
“What soft skin you have” he said gently tracing my spinal cord with his fingers sending a chill through my body.
He did this several times, but then after a few minutes he withdrew his hands and said “Continue” to the executioner who didn’t seem [s]Disturbed[/s] disturbed by my anguish.
The whipping started again. The agony of each whip increased twofold each time he whipped me. The pain didn’t subside like it did with the nails and I smelt my skin burning. Tears poured out of my eyes as a cried or tried to cry due to the burning sensation. After a few minutes of unbearable pain, my legs went limp, followed by the rest of my body. Though my body was already limp I could still feel the throbbing and burning on my back.
The executioner on the other hand kept up his whipping as if he was having fun by doing his inhuman work. I could hear him sometimes laughing slightly. He was playing a small game. After the first few whips the executioner tried to hit the open wound yet again and again. He succeeded from time to time making me scream and cry at the same time. Finally after an hour that seemed like eternity to me, the executioner stopped and removed my hands and legs from the nails. I felt nothing, my body was past its limit and now I wouldn’t know if someone cut me to pieces. I was lifted off the torture table and onto the floor. I noticed that the smaller man was not to be seen. He then removed the shreds of my shirt. Once my shredded and torn shirt was on the floor he lifted my hands and put on another shirt clearly made for male prisoners only. I was then pulled through the numerous halls by my legs.
Now I know what a broom feels like.
The ground was extremely hard and barely smooth. My head kept banging on the stones of the uneven floor. The executioner stopped in front of a large prison and then lifted me off the ground. He then opened the cage a little barely enough for me to enter and threw me into the prison. The first thing I saw was three pairs of bloodthirsty eyes. The next thing I new my face was on the ground and I gave up trying to keep my body functioning.

*********************************************************************


Well what do you think??

By the way this is the first tie I'm writing a book with the main character being a girl so if anyone finds out errors about how she would feel at that time, point them out.

I instantly recognized him to be one of the guards or executioners of where ever I was in.

‘Bloodsuckers have the ....

But to my misfortune the smaller man realized this to.

“Stop” He commanded

‘Bloodsuckers have the extraordinary power to heal their wounds even without them wanting it. But there are things that even the dead cannot heal. One of theses tings are the rare Werewolf saliva. The saliva is almost harmless to humans but lethal to your kind. It burns the skin and prevents your blood from healing the wounds. So we have found an effective way of using this liquid other than just throwing it away. Observe” Said the smaller man, still unseen to me.

I woke up and tried to stand, but something held me back. All I could do was move my head so I bent it towards my body to see where I was. What I saw was not pleasant. I was nailed down to a wooden board from my hands and legs. My eyes widened in shock and then I gasped in surprise for the fact that none of my wounds hurt.

“Arianna Robinson, Daughter of Robert Robinson and Mary Robinson, Sister of William Robinson. Age seventeen, black hair, blue eyes disappeared three days ago in the forest while searching for flowers. Am I right?” A cold smooth voice asked.

I was surprised but didn’t show it. Slowly I willed my head to move towards the direction where the sound came from.

Two men towered above me. The one closer to me was almost twice as tall as me. Also he looked as if he was fully comprised of large muscles. He wore a mask of black cloth, his chest was bare and he wore short black trousers. I instantly recognized him to be one of the guards or executioners of where ever I was in. I struggled to see who was behind him but all I could see was a slim hand covered with a black sleek cloth mostly worn by lawyers.

“You are most likely a newborn, the master might let you live when he sees you. That is if you cooperate with us” The same voice said.

“Show yourself if you dare” I spat and then restrained myself from snarling.

I was clearly surprised by my sudden boldness. Considering the way I would act in normal circumstances this was certainly very bold. I heard a muffled laugh, the instant I did I knew it would be too soft for the human ear to hear.

“You are in no position to give orders” said the man, a hint of amusement in his voice.

Angered by this, I struggled to restrain myself from screaming at the top of my voice.

“What do you want?” I asked finally after a few minutes of silence.

“We simply need you to help us… restrain more of your kind... with your help that is.” Replied the man, he was clearly satisfied with himself from my sudden cooperativeness.

I thought for a while. Would I choose to help these… humans or help my own kind, the same kind who had captured me, turned me and left me for dead? But there were more like me, m innocent souls who would get imprisoned in this god forsaken prison to rot for eternity.

No, I won’t let that happen. I wont let them be captured like me.

“What’s in it for me” I asked almost whispering this time

“If you cooperate according to our wishes, then we will... let you go free.” Replied the voice instantly as if waiting for me to ask him the question.

Although his voice seemed firm I could tell from the slight curving of his tone to a higher pitch that he was clearly lying. I smiled to myself at how sharp my sense of hearing was.

Maybe this isn’t that bad after all

Not bad... Make sure you correct you punctuation though. You need a period at the end of that third sentance.

“No” I whispered loud enough for both of the men to hear.

The larger man who had not moved or spoken since I awoke smiled in satisfaction and said “I told you so. These bloodsuckers are all the same.”

The man behind him sighed.

“I guess your right. Go ahead then” said the man his voice suddenly filled with evil encouragement.

“My pleasure” said the large man his voice hoarse and rough.

The large man took one step towards me and then removed my arms from the nails by pulling them out. I screamed in agony as the pain suddenly shot up my hands through my body. The throbbing subsided soon and was replaced by a burning sensation which was in turn replaced by a cool felling. I smiled to myself as i looked at my healed hands with only blood to prove there had once been wounds there. I tried to struggle but I was too weak. The man removed my legs from the nails and I felt the same throbbing and cool sensation yet again. Then to my sheer horror he turned me around with ease and pushed hands back onto the nails. The pain was twice as painful as before. Blood from my hands poured down the table as my injuries bled. My bare legs suffered the same agony. But to my relief my injuries healed after a few minutes of pain.

‘Bloodsuckers have the extraordinary power to heal their wounds even without them wanting it. But there are things that even the dead cannot heal. One of theses tings are the rare Werewolf saliva. The saliva is almost harmless to humans but lethal to your kind. It burns the skin and prevents your blood from healing the wounds. So we have found an effective way of using this liquid other than just throwing it away. Observe” Said the smaller man, still unseen to me.

I turned my head as far as possible. I saw the executioner pour a liquid onto a long black whip. Once the liquid was finished he let go of the beaker which fell onto the floor and clattered to a stop. I turned my head and waited to see if what the man had said was true. The minute I managed to turn around the whip met its mark, my back. Luckily I had my shirt on, the same shirt I had stole from the Vampires I had escaped from. It managed to restrict the blows of the whip to some extent. But to my misfortune the smaller man realized this to.

“Stop” He commanded

The executioner, clearly puzzled by this command stopped. I heard the small mans footsteps echo through the room as he approached me. He cut the back of my shirt with something sharp until I was bare-chested.

“What soft skin you have” he said gently tracing my spinal cord with his fingers sending a chill through my body.

He did this several times, but then after a few minutes he withdrew his hands and said “Continue” to the executioner who didn’t seem Disturbed by my anguish.

The whipping started again. The agony of each whip increased twofold each time he whipped me. The pain didn’t subside like it did with the nails and I smelt my skin burning. Tears poured out of my eyes as a cried or tried to cry due to the burning sensation. After a few minutes of unbearable pain, my legs went limp, followed by the rest of my body. Though my body was already limp I could still feel the throbbing and burning on my back.

The executioner on the other hand kept up his whipping as if he was having fun by doing his inhuman work. I could hear him sometimes laughing slightly. He was playing a small game. After the first few whips the executioner tried to hit the open wound yet again and again. He succeeded from time to time making me scream and cry at the same time. Finally after an hour that seemed like eternity to me, the executioner stopped and removed my hands and legs from the nails. I felt nothing, my body was past its limit and now I wouldn’t know if someone cut me to pieces. I was lifted off the torture table and onto the floor. I noticed that the smaller man was not to be seen. He then removed the shreds of my shirt. Once my shredded and torn shirt was on the floor he lifted my hands and put on another shirt clearly made for male prisoners only. I was then pulled through the numerous halls by my legs.

Now I know what a broom feels like.

The ground was extremely hard and barely smooth. My head kept banging on the stones of the uneven floor. The executioner stopped in front of a large prison and then lifted me off the ground. He then opened the cage a little barely enough for me to enter and threw me into the prison. The first thing I saw was three pairs of bloodthirsty eyes. The next thing I new my face was on the ground and I gave up trying to keep my body functioning.

hey you critique my story so much I figured it was time I returned the favor. I read part one just so I know what is going on

Comments in RED/ITALICS (whatever format works)

I'm also apologizing in advance if the format comes out wrong!
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Chapter 1 part 2

I woke up and tried to stand, but something held me back. All I could do was move my head. I bent my head towards my body to see where I was, what I saw was not pleasant. I was nailed down to a wooden board from my hands and legs. My eyes widened in shock and then I gasped in surprise for the fact that none of my wounds hurt.

-Ok in the second and third sentence it feels repetitive saying head twice. Try combining the two sentences or something like that. Try this:
All I could do was move my head so I bent it towards my body to see where I was. What I saw was not pleasent.
-This ways it still flows, but you only have to say head once

“Arianna Robinson, Daughter of Robert Robinson and Mary Robinson, Sister of William Robinson. Age seventeen, black hair, blue eyes disappeared three days ago in the forest while searching for flowers. Am I right?” A cold smooth voice asked.

I was surprised but didn’t show it. Slowly I willed my head to move towards the direction where the sound came from.

Two men towered above me. The one closer to me was almost twice as tall as me. Also he looked as if he was fully comprised of large muscles. He wore a mask of black cloth, his chest was bare and he wore short black trousers. I instantly recognized him to be one of the guards or executioners of where ever I was in. I struggled to see who was behind him but all I could see was a slim hand covered with a black sleek cloth mostly worn by lawyers.

“You are most likely a newborn, the master might let you live when he sees you. That is if you cooperate with us” The same voice said.

“Show yourself if you dare” I spat and then restrained myself from snarling.
I was clearly surprised by my sudden boldness. Considering the way I would act in normal circumstances this was certainly very bold. I heard a muffled laugh, the instant I did I knew it would be too soft for the human ear to hear.

“You are in no position to give orders” said the man, a hint of amusement in his voice.

I was angered by this and struggled to restrain myself from screaming at the top of my voice.

“What do you want?” I asked finally after a few minutes of silence.

-I was anger by this and struggled... The wording seems awkward. Maybe try: Angered by this, I struggled ...

“We simply need you to help us… restrain a more of your kind with your help.” Replied the man, he was clearly satisfied with himself from my sudden cooperativeness.

-take out 'a'. Plus I believe it should be "...with you help," replied the man. He was clearly...

I thought for a while. Would I choose to help these… humans or help my own kind, the same kind who had captured me, turned me and left me for dead? But there were more like me, m innocent souls who would get imprisoned in this god forsaken prison to rot for eternity.

-is the 'm' suppose to be 'more'

No, I won’t let that happen. I wont let them be captured like me.

“What’s in it for me” I asked almost whispering this time

“We will let you go free” Replied the voice instantly as if waiting for me to ask him the question.
Although his voice seemed firm I could tell from the slight curving of his voice to a higher pitch that he was clearly lying. I smiled to myself at how sharp my sense of hearing was.

-once again with the quotes I thinks it "...go free," replied the voice...
Also in the sentence beginning with although you used voice twice. Um-maybe change the second 'voice' to tone

Maybe this isn’t that bad after all

“No” I whispered loud enough for both of the men to hear.

The larger man who had not moved or spoken since I awoke smiled in satisfaction and said “I told you so. These bloodsuckers are all the same.”

The man behind him sighed.

-I feel like I'm there!!!!

“I guess your right. Go ahead then” said the man his voice suddenly filled with evil encouragement.

“My pleasure” said the large man his voice hoarse and rough.

The large man took one step towards me and then removed my arms from the nails by pulling them out. I screamed in pain as the pain suddenly shot up my hands through my body. The pain subsided soon and was replaced by a burning sensation which was in turn replaced by a cool felling. I looked at my hands and smiled to myself at the sight of healed hands with only my blood as proof for the wounds that were once on my hands. I tried to struggle but I was too weak. The man removed my legs from the nails and I felt the same pain and cool sensation yet again. Then to my sheer horror he turned me around with ease and pushed my hands back onto the nails. The pain was twice as painful as before. Blood from my hands poured down the table as my hands bled. My bare legs suffered the same pain. But to my relief my hands and legs healed after a few minutes of pain.

-wow in this paragraph you used hands alot and I think as someone pointed out you can you agony as a synonym for pain

‘Bloodsuckers have the extraordinary power to heal their wounds even without them wanting it. But there are things that even the dead cannot heal. One of theses tings are the rare Werewolf saliva. The saliva is almost harmless to humans but lethal to your kind. It burns the skin and prevents your blood from healing the wounds. So we have found an effective way of using this liquid other than just throwing it away. Observe” Said the smaller man, still unseen to me.

I turned my head as far as possible. I saw the executioner pour a liquid onto a long black whip. Once the liquid was finished he let go of the beaker which fell onto the floor and clattered to a stop. I turned my head and waited to see if what the man had said was true. The minute I managed to turn around the whip met its mark, my back. Luckily I had my shirt on, the same shirt I had stole from the Vampires I had escaped from. It managed to restrict the blows of the whip to some extent. But to my misfortune the smaller man realized this to.

“Stop” He commanded

The executioner, clearly puzzled by this command stopped. I heard the small mans footsteps echo through the room as he approached me. He cut the back of my shirt with something sharp until I was bare-chested.

“What soft skin you have” he said gently tracing my spinal cord with his fingers sending a chill through my body.

He did this several times, but then after a few minutes he withdrew his hands and said “Continue” to the executioner who didn’t seem disturbed by his doing.

-seem to disturbed by his doing ...the by his doing sounds a little awkward. I know what your trying to say but I don't think this is the way to say it

The whipping started again. The pain of each whip increased twofold [each time he whipped me again]. The pain didn’t subside like it did with the nails and I smelt my skin burning. Tears poured out of my eyes as a cried or tried to cry due to the pain. After a few minutes of unbearable pain, my legs went limp, followed by the rest of my body. Though my body was already limp I could still feel the pain and burning on my back.

-ok 1) take out the each time he whipped me again -you already said he started whipping you again the sentence before 2) your being repetitive again, but this time you said pain too much. I suggest besides using just agony go onto Dictionary.com and use the thesaurus section to help expand your vocabulary

The executioner on the other hand was having much fun. I could hear him sometimes laughing slightly. He was playing a small game. After the first few whips the executioner tried to hit the open wound yet again and again. He succeeded from time to time making me scream and cry at the same time. Finally after an hour that seemed like eternity to me, the executioner stopped and removed my hands and legs from the nails. I felt nothing, my body was past its limit and now I wouldn’t know if someone cut me to pieces. I was lifted off the torture table and onto the floor. I noticed that the smaller man was not to be seen. He then removed the shreds of my shirt. Once my shredded and torn shirt was on the floor he lifted my hands and put on another shirt clearly made for male prisoners only. I was then pulled through the numerous halls by my legs.

-I liked this paragraph alot. The only thing I saw was the 'was having much fun' part its awkward. If you read it out loud it just sounds weird

Now I know what a broom feels like.

-Punctuation

The ground was extremely hard and barely smooth. My head kept banging on the stoned of the uneven ground. He executioner stopped in front of a large prison and then lifted me off the ground. He then opened the cage a little barely enough for me to enter and threw me into the cage. The first thing I saw was three pairs of bloodthirsty eyes. The next thing I new my face was on the ground and I gave up trying to keep my body functioning.

-did you mean 'stone' not stoned; 'The' not 'He'; use pronouns instead of cage twice

Okay, you have some grammatical issues here, but those can easily be sorted out. Try proof-reading your work, or reading it out loud to yourself. The only other thing I found was that you used the word "Pain" too much. Try some variation, like "agony" for example. Good luck!