BloodLust chapter 1 part 1

Hey! Okay, so originally I was just going to read this to get caught up with your story, but then I noticed a few nitpicky things that I wanted to point out to you. I've been called a harsh critiquer before, so please bear with me!

Firestalker wrote:I looked up into the sky hoping for... something... anything. It was dark and cold, too cold. A small bur Umm what is a bur? started to fall imperceptibly making the night colder than it was, even though it was always dark and cold now.
Ever since that day...
I brushed away the thought of it as it was too painful. I sighed to myself.
What should I do now?
I leaned I'd add "back" because at first I pictured him standing and leaning, not sitting and then leaning back. against the trunk of the tree I was sitting on. The forest was a good hiding place comma! especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and the image of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A Vampire yawning, revealing its sharp canines battling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time, though, no comma! I knew my victory would not last long.
How long had it been? Now I'm not completely sure here, but I think if you italicize thoughts, that means that it's what the character is directly thinking, and is he thinking in the past tense? If I'm right (which I could very well not be, so don't just take my word for it), he should be thinking "How long has it been." But again, I'm not an expert on characters' thoughts and the way to portray those, so beware.
I had lost count of time. I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground comma succeeding in keep my balance. I was still not used to being a Vampire. I could hear sounds no human could hear, see things in the dark better than even a cat, and smell the sweet scent of blood kilometers away. I like this sentence.
The urge came back to me, stronger than before. I tried to suppress it but as I had known, I was too weak.
Maybe I should go to the village. It wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I could lure a villager and then…
I snapped out of the thought. My whole body seemed to work against me. I felt as if some invisible force was pulling me towards the village. I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. Then I blacked out.

****

I woke up, rubbed my eyes, and looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. The state of my clothes caught my eye. They were covered in blood and a little part of my sleeve was ripped off. I turned sideways to open my mouth and spit out some blood that probably did not belong to me. Though I did not dare to search through my memories I knew someone had died or would share the same fate as I. Ending and then beginning a consecutive sentence with "I" is a bit repetitious. I stood there comma petrified for a moment comma watching the blood as it coursed down into the drain. I didn’t know what to do but what surprised me the most was that it wasn't that mm I think "as" would work better, "that" sounds too awkward. disgusting as it should have been to me. As I looked around again my ears caught the sound of some men coming towards me. I stood up and was surprised to feel my whole body recharged with energy. The thought of them killing me for what I was made me run as fast as I could through the alley.
“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting.
I kept on running as fast as my legs would carry me, not looking back. I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin. I liked it; I could feel it hardening as I ran. I stopped at the end of the alley and looked for a way to escape. I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires. They were coming for me.
God help me!
I started crying, semicolon I was scared and didn’t know what do. In frustration I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around. There were about ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. All I could do was stand still, trying to think of a way to escape. As I did, I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth a try. The men were obviously going to kill me, so I ran towards it and jumped up, outstretching my arms, trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window but to no avail. Before I succeeded, a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me. I let out an "Ah!" and collapsed on the ground. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. As my mind forced my body to fight on against the men, one thought came into my mind.
I'm going to die now, aren't I?
I closed my eyes.

Thanks

I just cant get it how did the vampire got inside an alley..?

Hello.
Aww. I like it. I like the idea. I just cant get it how did the vampire got inside an alley..?
Please continue to write. I'm craving for more vampires.


Keep up the good work.

Thanks for sharing your views of my story, Its greatly appreciated ^^

I think this story worked very well. The short snappy sentences where straight forward and gave it a bit more tension in the story. You've a good use of words and sentence openings, your detailing is very well written and the cliff hanger ending certainly makes us wanting more. You should keep writing this and share it with us when you are finished.
Keep up the good work.

Hehe, will do, thanks for the advise

At first, I thought that this was going to be another Twilight clone, but as the story went on, I could see I was very wrong. Your idea is solid and I like how the main character is not strong enough and will have to learn. However, this really feels like a rough draft. The pacing seems off, very rushed. I want to know more about what it feels like to crave blood. It feels more like a list of events with a few details than an actual story at the moment. Tell us about the fear of being chased, the frustration. Tell us about how scary it is not to feel bad for killing a human. Now, one thing that I like is the italicised thoughts (Main reason is that I use the same format in my novel). So, I urge you to finish your story and then come back and edit this.

Hello Firestalker!
I quite like vampire novels (althought I'm not a twilight fan) and I thought I would take some time to read yours.
I love how you embedded your introduction paragraph into such a casual way:

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting on. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and the image of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A Vampire yawning, revealing its sharp canines battling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city.

It was almost funny.

And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city.

Its okay if you're not good at editing or grammar. That's another reason why YWS is here. We learn by reviewing other peoples work. After a few reviews you could become a great reviewer. Keep up the reviews. Thanks for it also!

Hehe, I'll edit the gender part

Okay, I like it a lot!!! xD, so you're a vampire story person too huh? That could explain why you were attracted to my work, and I like yours too!!!! Definitely continue! Now, the crit that I can give...

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting on. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and the image of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A Vampire yawning, revealing his sharp canines battling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time, though, I knew my victory would not last long.
Just to say, you do reveal the main characters gender, or so I think!
I woke woke up,
Okay, you say woke twice, you must like the word, but I don't believe you need to say it that much, ha ha.

All right, I'm not a good editing or grammar person, sorry! But I can tell you that you have a really, really, REALLY good start, and I can't wait to see the next piece of work...
*goes and reads it*
~Tari

nice - very good descriptions. initial setting of the scene and introductio of the main character was smooth.

I finally posted Chapter 2 (guys who are still interested)

Link - topic55799.html

i like the story and the ending is good. That is what i call suspense

the only thing that confuse me is how you change the setting from the field to the city. it felt like there is something missing.

can i add something?

try this

I snapped out of the thought. My whole body seemed to work against me. I do not understand what is happening. My eyes became blurry. I feel the cold ground against my knees and i can feel the urge to kill overpowering me.

i close my eyes. I hold my throat. i want to do everything to stop this. I am not a monster! i am not a monster! What do i have i doen to deserve this?

my eyes feel heavy. I can see the sky dissapearing from my view.
My legs became weak. and i feel that i no longer control my own mind.

i try to resist but i cannot...

it is useless...

am i truly a monster...

I saw it!! YAY! I`ll review it tomorrow cause i`m way to tired tonight. Luck!

-Akayl

Guys if non of you have noticed then you better check the forum again, beacuse i posted the second part and it seems no one is even commenting to it.

Please check it out.

Ahhh.

Quote:
“Bloodsuckers!”

Wouldn't it just be a Bloodsucker? Maybe not...

YES! Continue! I'm dying here. I both love and hate cliffhangers with a fiery passion.

I yawned and that imagine of myself came into my mind.

revealing his sharp canines battleling with the urge of drinking blood.

but I succeeded in resisting it this time though I knew my victory

My whole body seemed to work against me. I felt as if some invisible force was pulling me towards the village.

I woke up rubbed my eyes, and looked around

“Bloodsuckers!”

as fast as my legs would carry me, not looking back [s]in fear[/s].

I could feel the warm liquid sticking [s]on[/s]to my skin.

I could feel it [s]getting colder and [/s]solidifying as I ran

I started crying, as I was scared and didn’t know what do.

A little high but it was worth it.

Yes you are right about the fact that they were just punctuation. But punctuation is very important too. So thanks a lot. I hope its better now. I'm hoping to post the second chapter in a few days. Its really hard to work on this as i am working on yet another story.

ever since that day...

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting in.

A vampire yawning....

I woke up, rubbed my eyes and looked around.

I turned sideways to open my mouth and spit some blood, that probably did not belong to me.

The thought of them killing me for what I was, made me run as fast as I could through the alley.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting

Help me God

I liked it, I could feel it getting colder and solidifying as I ran.

As I did I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it.

The men were obviously going to kill me so I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, but to no avail.Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down.

As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me.

I'm going to die now aren't I?

Yes thanks for the help. and yes i need to work on that personalization thing. although i cannot do it in this chapter i look forward in doing it in the next chapter. Thanks for all the help of all who have reviewed my story. I will post the second chapter soon. Trust me.

Hey, Firestalker!

You left a comment on my Post Work thread in the group and I'm here answering it

All my comments are in bold, all corrections in red.

I looked up into the sky hoping for... something... anything. It was dark and cold, too cold. A small bur started to fall imperceptibly making the night colder than it was. It was always dark now, okay, these two last sentences need to be combined somehow. They are too simliar. Try something like: ....making the night colder than it already was, even though it seems that it always is dark and cold. or something like that

ever since that day...

I brushed away the thought of it as it was too painful. I sighed to myself.

What should I do now?

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting in. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and that imagine of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A vampire yawning, revealing his sharp canines battleling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time though I knew my victory would not last long.

How long had it been?

I had lost count of time. I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground succeeding [s]to[/s] in keep my balance. I was still not used to being a Vampire. I could hear sounds no human could hear, see things in the dark better than even a cat comma and smell the sweet scent of blood kilometers away.

The urge you seem to use "urge" a lot. I would try to use different word, like "desire" or "need" something to difference between sentences came back to me, stronger than before. I tried to suppress it but as I had known, I was too weak.

Maybe I should go to the village. It wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I could lure a villager and then…

I snapped out of the thought. My whole body seemed to work against me. I felt as if some invisible force was pulling me towards the village. I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. Then I blacked out.


****


I woke up, rubbed my eyes and looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. The state of my clothes caught my eye. They were covered in blood and a little part of my sleeve was ripped off. I turned on a side and opened my mouth spitting some blood, that probably did not belong to me and I did not dare to search through my memories the one that died or will share the same fate as I. this is a really long sentence and kind of confusing. Try to change it to maybe something like: I turned on my side and opened my mouth, spitting blod that probably wasn't mine. I didn't dare search through my memories for the one that died by fang of my own body. I know, this is bad and I know you probably can come up with something better so...yeah I stood there petrified for a moment watching the blood as it coursed down [s]`till[/s] into the drain. I didn’t know what to do but what surprised me the most was that it wasn't that disgusting as it should have been to me. As I looked around again my ears caught the sound of some men coming towards me. I stood up and was surprised to feel my whole body recharged with energy. The thought of them killing me for what I was, made me run as fast as I could through the alley.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting

I kept on running as fast as my legs would carry me, not looking back in fear. I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin. I liked it, I could feel it getting colder and solidifying as I ran. I stopped at the end of the alley and looked for a way to escape. I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires. They were coming for me.

Help me God

I started crying, as I was scared and didn’t know what do. In frustration I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around. There were about ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. All I could do was stand still, trying to think of a way to escape. As I did I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it. The men were obviously going to kill me so I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, but to no avail.Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me. I let out an "Ah!" and collapsed on the ground. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. As my mind forced my body to fight on against the men, one thought came into my mind.
for this paragraph, you have to show us more clearly what is happening. Right now, it is slighlty confusing. Try to clear it up with more active imagery. Grap the reader. Create a world for them where they can escape to, you know?

I'm going to die now aren't I?

Then I blacked out. You say "blacked out" twice here in this piece. I would use something else to leave us hanging instead of this.

Okay, this was good. Kind of like the old times, which no one ever uses now for vampire stories so I'm glad you did.

The only thing I would work on is making this more personal. Right now, I can't really feel for your MC. You need to make them someone who the reader can connect to, you know?

I would just read through this yourself and see what things should be expanded on and what things just need to be cut out.

Hopefully this helped!

Okay okay, I'll look over it again, just so you can post the second part *grumbles and mutters to self* here goes:

I looked up into the sky hoping for... something... anything. It was dark and cold, too cold. A small bur started to fall imperceptibly making the night colder than it was. It was always dark now,
ever since that day...

leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting in. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and that imagine of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A vampire yawning, revealing his sharp canines battleling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time though I knew my victory would not last long.

I had lost count of time. I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground succeeding to keep my balance. I was still not used to being a Vampire. I could hear sounds no human could hear, see things in the dark better than even a cat and smell the sweet scent of blood kilometers away.

Maybe I should go to the village. It wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I could lure a villager and then…
I snapped out of the thought. My whole body seemed to work against me. I felt as if some invisible force was pulling me towards the village. I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. Then I blacked out.

I woke up, rubbed my eyes and looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. The state of my clothes caught my eye. They were covered in blood and a little part of my sleeve was ripped off. I turned on a side and opened my mouth spitting some blood, that probably did not belong to me and I did not dare to search through my memories the one that died or will share the same fate as I. I stood there petrified for a moment watching the blood as it coursed down `till the drain. I didn’t know what to do but what surprised me the most was that it wasn't that disgusting as it should have been to me. As I looked around again my ears caught the sound of some men coming towards me. I stood up and was surprised to feel my whole body recharged with energy. The thought of them killing me for what I was, made me run as fast as I could through the alley.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting

I kept on running as fast as my legs would carry me, not looking back in fear. I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin. I liked it, I could feel it getting colder and solidifying as I ran. I stopped at the end of the alley and looked for a way to escape. I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires. They were coming for me.

I started crying, as I was scared and didn’t know what do. In frustration I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around. There were about ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. All I could do was stand still, trying to think of a way to escape. As I did I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it. The men were obviously going to kill me so I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, to no avail.Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me. I let out an "Ah!" and collapsed on the ground. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. As my mind forced my body to fight on against the men, one thought came into my mind.

Ok you need a review i`ll do my best.

I looked up into the sky hoping for... something... anything. It was dark and cold, too cold. A small bur started to fall imperceptibly making the night sticky and colder than it was. It was always dark now,

ever since that day...
I brushed away the thought of it as it was too painful. I sighed to myself.

What should I do now?

I leaned against the trunk of the tree I was sitting in. The forest was a good hiding place especially if one did not want to be seen. I yawned and that imagine of myself came into my mind. It was almost funny. A vampire yawning, revealing his sharp canines battleling with the urge of drinking blood. And then it hit me. I was thirsty for blood. I resisted the urge to go back into the city. It grew inside me, but I succeeded in resisting it this time though I knew my victory would not last long.

How long had it been?

I had lost count of time. I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground succeeding to keep my balance. I was still not used to being a Vampire. I could hear sounds no human could hear, see things in the dark better than even a cat and smell the sweet scent of blood kilometers away.

I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth.I felt how my body hits the ground and the smell of dead leafs flood my nostrils. Then I blacked out.

I woke up, rubbed my eyes and looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. The state of my clothes caught my eye. They were covered in blood and a little part of my sleeve was ripped off. I turned on a side and opened my mouth spitting some blood, that probably did not belong to me and I did not dare to search through my memories the one that died or will share the same fate as I. I stood there petrified for a moment watching the blood as it coursed down `till the drain.

I didn’t know what to do but what surprised me the most was that it wasn't that disgusting as it should have been to me.

What have I done?

Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me. I let out an "Ah!" and collapsed on the ground.

Come on guys i need about two more Crits or suggestions before i can post the second part of the story. So try to at least comment and rate the story (poll).

In the next post i will. Its a mystery till then. So keep guessing till then Chirantha. Keep guessing. And of course i have to think of a name for my character too don't i??

Hey, Firestalker, what about my question?

Okay, first I have to say that to put a name for your charater. I didn't even know if that character was a boy or girl. Please, make it a girl. And you'll have to describe about him/her. I didn't picture your charater as you had not mentioned his/her appearence. And what happened when he blacked out?

Question: Doesn't the main character have any vampiric powers that will help him escape?

Answer - Of course he has but if you didn't know much about vampires and you just turned into one a few days ago and you were not very keen about being a vampire then would you know how to use them??

By the way aren't you going to kill me??

Patience it will take a little time with school going on here.

Really, hurry up and come out with the other part! I'm going to lose all of my fingernails before you come out with it. Yes, now your officially under pressure. I love vampire books!! Good Luck.

Question: Doesn't the main character have any vampiric powers that will help him escape?

Another story of vampires. Okay, let me rip this apart. Just kidding.

I looked up into the sky. It was dark and cold, too cold. It was always dark now,

I succeeded this time but I knew my victory would not last long.

I didn’t know what to do but was surprised that it was [s]not[/s] not disgusting as it should have been to me.

As i looked around again my ears caught the sound of some men coming towards me.

The thought of them killing me for what I was made me run as fast as I could through the alley.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting

I kept running as fast as I could.

I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin.

I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires.

All I could do was stand still trying to find a way to escape.

As my mind forced my body to fight on one thought came into my mind.

Yes, much better. You don't need to cut down on any more I's.
I did catch a few mistakes that I overlooked though.

I started crying, as I was scared and didn’t know what do. In frustration I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around. There were about ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. All I could do was stand still trying to find a way to escape. As I did, I saw a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it. The men were obviously going to kill me so I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, to no avail. Before I succeeded a man caught my leg and pulled me down. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. As my mind forced my body to fight on one thought came into my mind.

'I'm going to die now aren't I?'

eh he he I think you were right about the 'I's. I lessened them as much as i could and i hope its better now. It was a little hard to take out the 'I's in the last paragraph though. Do i need to cut more 'I's or not now??

Thanks a lot by the way.

I really like this story.PLEASE,PLEASE,PLEASE,CONTINUE IT. I hate cliffhangers they're so cruel. Now for the critique.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The urge came back to me, stronger than before. I tried to suppress it but as I had known, I was too weak.

I woke up and rubbed my eyes. I looked around. I was in an alley inside the city. The ground was paved and there was a drain to one side of the alley. I looked at my clothes. They were covered in blood. I didn’t know what to do. I was surprised that I was not disgusted of it. I looked around again. I heard some men coming towards me. I stood up and was surprised to feel my whole body recharged with energy. I ran as fast as I could through the alley.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting

I kept running as fast as I could. I could feel the warm liquid sticking onto my skin. I liked it. I stopped at the end of the alley and looked for a way to escape. I heard the men getting closer shouting out curses about Vampires. They were coming for me.

I started crying. I was scared. I didn’t know what do. I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The men caught up with me. I turned around. I counted ten men holding pikes and five more holding bows. I stood still trying to find a way to escape. I sighted a window to my right. A little high but it was worth it. I ran towards it and jumped up outstretching my arms trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window, to no avail. Before I could a man caught my leg and pulled me down. Each of them pulled out a stake and laughed at my distress. I knew I would die then.