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A young spy and a young cop Chapter 2

by FireSpyGirl

Last paragraph of first chapter:

“Fine. I was caught. I got your merchandise and it’s near the nettle.” She told him. “You are dealing with some very smart, very unusual people.” She added as he opened his mouth. “Now get out before I strangle you with one of these cords.” She turned her back on him and tried to calm down. Maaan, she really hoped someone would do her a favor and kill him soon."

"You are free to leave." The nurse told Natalia, taking off the cast and giving her a brace. “Only wear this when you have to. Your wrist is still very weak, so be careful not to strain it.” She continued, not noticing that Natalia wasn’t really paying attention. 

Natalia barely heard the nurse. The detective had not come back and that made her nervous. She knew that back at the police station they would have checked her background, trying to find out more about her. She knew that the police were aware by now that she was not who she said she was. No one had come back to question her though. There was no freakin way they would have believed her story and not done any checking of any sort. 

The sound of a busy street and yelling people broke into her thoughts. She realized she had walked through the hospital and outside without fully paying attention. She shrugged and continued on. She ran on auto-pilot a lot these days. Probably wasn’t the best habit, because she never knew when someone might decide to try and stick a knife in her back.She let that train of thought run off and concentrated on where she was and what she should do first. The first thing she needed to do was change her looks. Get a new identity. Become someone else. She looked around. Of course, trust her to be able to find the only block in New York that didn’t have a thrift store. She walked into a coffee shop, ordered a strawberry doughnut and asked the way to a thrift store.

“Straight towards the east and first store around the corner.” The clerk told her before moving on to the next customer. She walked back out of the store and walked along, munching her doughnut. She turned the corner and saw the thrift store immediately. You would have to blind to miss the bright yellow and pink neon sign indicating that the store was having a sale. Natalia smiled to herself. So far, things were going really well. She entered the store and was surprised to see that it had very few people inside. All the better for her. The less time she spent among people, the better. She headed straight for the shirts and pants rack.

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26 Reviews

Points: 574
Reviews: 26

Fri Jan 11, 2019 4:53 pm
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Fantascifi66 says...

I have a feeling it's not going to be really well for long! Another great chapter! I have so many questions!!!

FireSpyGirl says...


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15 Reviews

Points: 470
Reviews: 15

Sat Nov 10, 2018 4:45 pm
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bigsisfarmer wrote a review...

Hey! This story is great and I can't wait to read the rest! This is just my opinion and you are welcome to do whatever you want with it. Mine may differ from other people's, so it's up to your discretion. Also, I may sound harsh, but I have the best intentions, and hope to help.

" They would have found out by now that she was not who she said she was. Why had they not come back?" Who is this they she is speaking of? Try adding a little more description.

""Two stores down. It's a really nice one too." The salesman told her." Try adding some action to this, it helps keep the reader engaged. Try: "The salesman informed her as he put the dye into a paper/plastic bag. She caught the man glance curiously at her short/long hair."

" Natalia said, and picking up her bag, was about to leave when the salesman asked her another question." Can be slightly confusing. Try: "Natalia stated before grabbing the bag the man held out for her. She turned to leave the store before the man asked her a question."

"Natalia rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"Costume party. Excuse me, but I'm on a time limit."" Could be combined into the same paragraph, but that's your call. Also try: "Costume party," She simply told the man, already taking a step towards the door. "Excuse me, but I'm on a time limit."

"Having escaped the too talkative salesman, Natalia found the thrift store." Try omitting the "too."

"Just then a girl came out of the fitting rooms and hung up a pair of pants. Perfect! Now for the shirt. Natalia found a black tank top and a denim jacket." Where was she? This can also have some confusion. Try: "As she was sorting through rows of clothes, a girl came out and hung up a ____ pair of pants. Upon further examination, Natalia found that these pants were the perfect size."

"Now to find the safe house." This is a repeat of a couple sentences before. Try: "All she had to do was find the safe house." THen try adding a bir of foreshadowing as well.

Again, this is just a suggestion, but I hoped that helped.


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119 Reviews

Points: 10789
Reviews: 119

Sun Oct 28, 2018 3:14 pm
Clairia wrote a review...

Hello, there! Arden here to review your work!
[I find it easier to review pieces from top to bottom to analyze them more efficiently, so let's do that!]

"You are free to leave." The nurse told Natalia. "Just come back in a few weeks so we can take that cast off."

This beginning hooked me in quite easily, and it inspired me to want to read the first chapter. It made me wonder what happened to our protagonist and I was interested to learn more about it, so well done starting this piece off! (I really adore the name Natalia, by the way. Good choice, it's so beautiful!)

The Detective had not come back, and that was alarming. They would have found out by now that she was not who she said she was. Why had they not come back?

This bit was confusing. The pronouns threw me off, first having me think that the Detective was being identified as a woman, and then "they" was brought in again. It took me a few tries to read over this piece and try to make sense of it. I would suggest some editing here.
I was also confused as to what "come back" meant here. Has the Detective run from a foe? What is the reason for this? I do like that Natalia takes some time to address the Detective, but there should be more elaboration there.

At the checkout desk, Natalia awkwardly wrote with her left hand, her right being in a cast.

"Her right being in a cast" is not necessary and adds nothing to the sentence. I suggest either editing this bit or removing it.

She needed to change her identity, and quickly.

Is this because of the detective? If so, why? So he/she cannot track her? If so, it's still very possible that the [antagonist] could still find Natalia, based on the amount of skill they seem to possess. I don't have much to criticize here, it's just something you may want to think about.

She spotted one for purple hair and snorted. Her red hair was not going to make this easy.

Hah, yes. I have red hair as well and I know the struggle. A nice little bit that made me nod in approval. 10/10 accuracy.

...Watcha dying it for?"

"Dying" should be "dyeing" in this instance.

Natalia rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"In annoyance" is again not necessary. The rolling of one's eyes is already a signal to the reader that the character is annoyed. The second part that simply repeats what was first stated differently isn't needed.

All in all, good work! There are definitely changes that could be made, but hopefully some of the things I pointed out can be helpful!

Thanks for sharing,

This review was brought to you by arden of Team Pocus!

Happy October Review Day!!

FireSpyGirl says...

Thank you!! I will definitely edit those passages. :). If you wanted to read the first chapter, this one may make sense.

Clairia says...

Of course! Good work <3

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14 Reviews

Points: 588
Reviews: 14

Thu Oct 25, 2018 8:07 pm
WriterSister33 wrote a review...

Wow! This was a great chapter.

I think that the first one was a little more exiting But I really liked anyway. I like that the salersman is a little bit like... (you now) and that he is saging ‘’Watcha’’ instendig of ‘’ What are you’’ you know?! I am doug still lokking forward to the next chapter. Did you write this today? Or do you write everything at first and then making chapters?

It was maybe a little short, But if you did this right now. Is it good:)

I think that I maybe shall publish a chapter of an other story!?! It’s called: A differensiert versjon of Snowhite. I have a question: scould I name the story: A differensiert version... or: Another version of Snowhite?
Have you chekced out my friend Fantascifi66 yet?

Your friend

FireSpyGirl says...

I did just write the chapter today, though I may go back and edit it a bit. As for your chapter, I would go with A different Version of Snow-White, unless it is a traditional tale of your homeland, than I would say something like "The Norwegian Snow-White."

FireSpyGirl says...

Also, Can you send me Fantascifi66? I can't find it. :(

Ha, ha, no, it%u2019s not sone kind of traditional history. It%u2019s just that I have heard so mann differensiert Kind of version of Snowhite, so I wanned to make one too. You CAN also search for %u2018%u2019 The Fighter and the Dragon.
I think she is going to read your story too :);).

*Ha, ha, no, it%u2019s not some kind of traditional story:)

*Ha, ha, no it%u2019s not some...

* no it %u2018 s not some kind...

I think someone is hacking me! Because I did not mean to write: %u2019 between Every it s. So just dont read that part.

Let the wild rumpus start!
— Maurice Sendak