I have a feeling it's not going to be really well for long! Another great chapter! I have so many questions!!!
Last paragraph of first chapter:
“Fine. I was caught. I got your merchandise and it’s near the nettle.” She told him. “You are dealing with some very smart, very unusual people.” She added as he opened his mouth. “Now get out before I strangle you with one of these cords.” She turned her back on him and tried to calm down. Maaan, she really hoped someone would do her a favor and kill him soon."
"You are free to leave." The nurse told Natalia, taking off the cast and giving her a brace. “Only wear this when you have to. Your wrist is still very weak, so be careful not to strain it.” She continued, not noticing that Natalia wasn’t really paying attention.
Natalia barely heard the nurse. The detective had not come back and that made her nervous. She knew that back at the police station they would have checked her background, trying to find out more about her. She knew that the police were aware by now that she was not who she said she was. No one had come back to question her though. There was no freakin way they would have believed her story and not done any checking of any sort.
The sound of a busy street and yelling people broke into her thoughts. She realized she had walked through the hospital and outside without fully paying attention. She shrugged and continued on. She ran on auto-pilot a lot these days. Probably wasn’t the best habit, because she never knew when someone might decide to try and stick a knife in her back.She let that train of thought run off and concentrated on where she was and what she should do first. The first thing she needed to do was change her looks. Get a new identity. Become someone else. She looked around. Of course, trust her to be able to find the only block in New York that didn’t have a thrift store. She walked into a coffee shop, ordered a strawberry doughnut and asked the way to a thrift store.
“Straight towards the east and first store around the corner.” The clerk told her before moving on to the next customer. She walked back out of the store and walked along, munching her doughnut. She turned the corner and saw the thrift store immediately. You would have to blind to miss the bright yellow and pink neon sign indicating that the store was having a sale. Natalia smiled to herself. So far, things were going really well. She entered the store and was surprised to see that it had very few people inside. All the better for her. The less time she spent among people, the better. She headed straight for the shirts and pants rack.
I have a feeling it's not going to be really well for long! Another great chapter! I have so many questions!!!
Hey! This story is great and I can't wait to read the rest! This is just my opinion and you are welcome to do whatever you want with it. Mine may differ from other people's, so it's up to your discretion. Also, I may sound harsh, but I have the best intentions, and hope to help.
" They would have found out by now that she was not who she said she was. Why had they not come back?" Who is this they she is speaking of? Try adding a little more description.
""Two stores down. It's a really nice one too." The salesman told her." Try adding some action to this, it helps keep the reader engaged. Try: "The salesman informed her as he put the dye into a paper/plastic bag. She caught the man glance curiously at her short/long hair."
" Natalia said, and picking up her bag, was about to leave when the salesman asked her another question." Can be slightly confusing. Try: "Natalia stated before grabbing the bag the man held out for her. She turned to leave the store before the man asked her a question."
"Natalia rolled her eyes in annoyance.
"Costume party. Excuse me, but I'm on a time limit."" Could be combined into the same paragraph, but that's your call. Also try: "Costume party," She simply told the man, already taking a step towards the door. "Excuse me, but I'm on a time limit."
"Having escaped the too talkative salesman, Natalia found the thrift store." Try omitting the "too."
"Just then a girl came out of the fitting rooms and hung up a pair of pants. Perfect! Now for the shirt. Natalia found a black tank top and a denim jacket." Where was she? This can also have some confusion. Try: "As she was sorting through rows of clothes, a girl came out and hung up a ____ pair of pants. Upon further examination, Natalia found that these pants were the perfect size."
"Now to find the safe house." This is a repeat of a couple sentences before. Try: "All she had to do was find the safe house." THen try adding a bir of foreshadowing as well.
Again, this is just a suggestion, but I hoped that helped.
Thanks!
Hello, there! Arden here to review your work!
[I find it easier to review pieces from top to bottom to analyze them more efficiently, so let's do that!]
"You are free to leave." The nurse told Natalia. "Just come back in a few weeks so we can take that cast off."
The Detective had not come back, and that was alarming. They would have found out by now that she was not who she said she was. Why had they not come back?
At the checkout desk, Natalia awkwardly wrote with her left hand, her right being in a cast.
She needed to change her identity, and quickly.
She spotted one for purple hair and snorted. Her red hair was not going to make this easy.
...Watcha dying it for?"
Natalia rolled her eyes in annoyance.
. If you wanted to read the first chapter, this one may make sense.
Wow! This was a great chapter.
I think that the first one was a little more exiting But I really liked anyway. I like that the salersman is a little bit like... (you now) and that he is saging ‘’Watcha’’ instendig of ‘’ What are you’’ you know?! I am doug still lokking forward to the next chapter. Did you write this today? Or do you write everything at first and then making chapters?
It was maybe a little short, But if you did this right now. Is it good:)
I think that I maybe shall publish a chapter of an other story!?! It’s called: A differensiert versjon of Snowhite. I have a question: scould I name the story: A differensiert version... or: Another version of Snowhite?
Have you chekced out my friend Fantascifi66 yet?
Your friend
WriterSis.
;).
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