Young Writers Society

I love it! The plot progressed without flaw and I'm super curious to see what happens to Lily and I can't wait to see more of this in the future

Really good! Loved it <3

I really love the description that you added in the story!

Keep up the great work!

Hey! This story is great and I can't wait to read the rest! This is just my opinion and you are welcome to do whatever you want with it. Mine may differ from other people's, so it's up to your discretion. Also, I may sound harsh, but I have the best intentions, and hope to help.

I'm going to give my reviews in order in which they come so that it is easier to find or something like that.

"Up at 4:30 in the morning, shower, dress, breakfast, and then head to work."

This can provide from confusion. At the beginning I wasn't completely sure what was happening. Maybe try something like this? "My daily routine was simple, I was up at 4:30 in the morning. First, I showered, then got myself dressed. Afterwards I made myself breakfast, and immediately headed to my work." Try adding some strong verbs if you use that. You can look at a Thesaurus for help.

"Halfway to work and running late, Lily spotted something on the road, and when it came into view, slammed on the brakes."

Try adding a "When" before the sentence. Also, try avoid the use of something, but that's just my personal preference, and doesn't matter. This can be ambiguous, I had to read it twice to actually figure out that it was a car. Try: "When she was halfway to work, and running late, an objected that was heading in her direction captured Lily's (eye color's) eyes. When it came closer, she realized it was a (car color) (car type) vehicle. The car swiftly slammed on it's breaks, and Lily notice that something was lying on the ground." You can change to meet your style if you would like.

"While dialing 911, hands shaking,Lily examined the body." Can also be slightly confusing. Try: "Lily's hands shook while she dialed 911. She ran forward towards the body, and began to examine it."

"While waiting for the ambulance to arrive, Lily took a blanket out the trunk of the car and covered the girl with it." What car did she take this out of? Was she driving to work?

" Lily continued to work. Her role was far from over." Should probably combine. Short sentences can be good, and used as a break for the reader, but one should try to avoid two in a row if possible. Unless it is expressing thoughts, which can be like that. Try using "yet" in this context.

""What is your name?" The question was posed by a police detective, seated by a hospital bed." Is this the same person? If so, use more description to establish that. Is this the girl that was laying by the road? Again more description. Is this an entirely new character? Description. Try adding a paragraph before of the hospital room and how the person had gotten there. Also try adding a description to the detective. What is the first thing that the girl notices about this man?

""Lauren Shore."

"How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

"When were you born?"

This question was answered by silence.

"Do you have any recollection of how you ended up by the roadside?"

"No.""

Try adding more description in this. One should never have more than two people speaking before establishing who is talking. Also, what are the people doing while they are talking? Examples: "Lauren glanced down at her hands that were folded on the white bed sheets." "The police detective took note of this in his notebook." "The girl gazed around the room noticing _____." Just some suggestions.

""Detective Prete" would be back, once he discovered that Lauren Shore didn't exist. She had to get out of the hospital."

Who is detective Prete? If it is a name establish before. If it is a nickname, then describe that it was a nickname and why she assigned that to the man.

"While she was busy mulling things around, the door to her room opened and a tall, well dressed man entered the room. Natalie glared at him."

The first part doesn't sense. Try: "While she was pondering her options.." Give some more description of the man. What was the first part she noticed? Was it his shoes, the wrinkles in his suit? The way his hair flowed? His eyes?

"She was really angry at this man." Well duh. This sentence could be omitted. It isn't adding anything to the story.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this story. Again all of my review is just suggestions and meant in the best way possible. You did a great job!

Thanks!

Whoops, sorry, im new xD didnt mean to post two copies

A nice beginning, though perhaps you should consider being more descriptive on some points, such as the intro, or possibly where natalie is waiting in the doctors room. More description peices together a relatable place in the readers mind, and the more description used and more skillfully worded often depicts a better story(though perhaps there is such a tging as too much) but it is critical for the beginnings in order to promise the reader a good and entertaining peice of work with skillfully thought out ideas. All in all however, great job on this, its a pretty interesting storyline, cant wait to see how it all develops and peices together, nice job.

A nice beginning, though perhaps you should consider being more descriptive on some points, such as the intro, or possibly where natalie is waiting in the doctors room. More description peices together a relatable place in the readers mind, and the more description used and more skillfully worded often depicts a better story(though perhaps there is such a tging as too much) but it is critical for the beginnings in order to promise the reader a good and entertaining peice of work with skillfully thought out ideas. All in all however, great job on this, its a pretty interesting storyline, cant wait to see how it all develops and peices together, nice job.

Hello Firerose! I really liked your story!!!

I think it's very exiting with the fact that she has a secret job, and the fact that she lies to the police.

I am really looking forward to read the rest of the story. This is the first review kind a thing i have wrote, so I don't think it is really good. I think you have really good write creativity, and as said, I am really looking forward to read the rest.



Thank you for review my story. you were the first I connected with when I came here!!
Even if you just headed my story because it gave you points, am I still very happy that you did it.

(just so you know, am I now going to sound like a user that have been on this website forever)
I hope you are enjoying YWS. I hope we can have some future conversations;).


I hope I am becoming your friend
WriterSis.

Hey Firerose! I'm here to review your work. Welcome to the site, by the way! I hope you're liking it here.

I'm going to kind of break this up with what I liked/what I thought could be improved on (and since you're fairly new, I'd like to recommend a great article on reviewing: The YWS Critique Sandwich). Anyway, let's get on with the review!

First, I like how we're not given an info-dump of information. Sometimes first chapters are full of unnecessary info that makes it hard to concentrate - but I thought this was a pretty good balance between too little and too much, at least information wise. There could've been a bit more content wise, which I'll get on to right now:

I wish the first scene was a little fleshed out more. It's paced way too quickly and as a reader, I'm like "Wait WHAT" because someone is finding a body on the side of the road and all we really get is a small paragraph. Even just another paragraph or two to slow down the scene and flesh out what's going on would be really helpful. Adding in fuller sentences (the current sentences are a bit choppy) and extending the panic in the scene would make it more intense for the reader. Right now I'm just like, "oh snap she found a body ... so what?" and I want to be like "omg omg omg WHAT is going ON". I'm also curious if Lily is just a filler character as someone to find the body or if she's important later on in the story (not something you need to include, just something I'm curious about hehe).

I also wish we got a bit more inside Natalie's head. A bit more of her emotions or the thoughts that are reeling in her head that suggest to the reader that her mind is busy. Or along with her glare at Samhach, maybe she could feel her head throbbing in pain or her chest seizing up in anger (or whatever emotion it is to help convey to the reader what she is feeling).

I like how this chapter posed a lot of questions, though. It makes me wonder why Natalie revealing her info would bring danger, who Samhach is, and what is it that is near the Nettle. So it definitely has that "I want to read more" factor and has me hooked. Again, though, I think fleshing out the beginning would create even more of a hook factor.

I hope this helps out!! If you want, you can let me know when future chapters come out and I would love to read more!<3

~ EternalRain

Hey Firerose! (I love your username by the way). Great work on this piece, it was really fun to read.

Overall, I felt like there was a strong storyline with great potential, especially with regards to the plot twist when the character's real name and age are revealed. There is a pretty good build up to this point and I like the way that you transitioned from one perspective into another, as this is often difficult for writers.

I have a few suggestions that I hope you find helpful. Firstly, I recommend that you don't use the phrase "It started out as an ordinary day." While this may be the case, it is much more interesting for a reader if they can derive from the writing that it was an ordinary day, rather than just being told. For example, your next line was great; by explaining the character's routine, the reader can observe that it is in fact a typical day.

Furthermore, I think it would be helpful to add more tension to the scene when the body is found. Throughout that scene, everything is described as if coming across the body is a normal, unimportant occurrence. I might add in a line like "as she sped down the road, an object caught her eye. She slammed on the brakes as the object came into full view-it was a body." I think that building this tension would really allow the reader to become invested in the story.

Throughout the time when Lily is examining the body, it might be helpful to add a little more detail. For example, "her hands shook as she dialed 911." Just minor details like this will give characters more personality and relatability.

Lastly (this is just a quick edit), it is stated twice that the detective leaves the room, which hurts the flow of the piece.

Overall, great job! I look forward to seeing where you take this story!