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My moon

by FireSpyGirl


You are the moon in my sky,

You shed a light into my darkness,

though a dim one. 


Like the real moon,

I will never be able to 

reach you, feel you,

have you. 

You are always there

Completely out of my reach.

My heart is filled with longing,

coupled with an ache.

You are the moon and the stars,

always out of reach,

never to be mine to have,

to hold.

You are so far away,

just as they are, 

and yet,

You own my heart.


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7 Reviews


Points: 137
Reviews: 7

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Sun Nov 10, 2019 1:27 pm
readingaddict wrote a review...



This is a very beautiful poem. I can relate to it alot. It's very realistic. About love, right? I like your comparison with the moon and stars and that you will never have it... But still, don't loose hope. Maybe you gave up a long time ago but there is still that 0.1% that keeps you going. So tell him/her how you feel and at least it wont be a problem of him/her not knowing anymore. Good luck




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Points: 26
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Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:54 am
Jude085 wrote a review...



Overall the poem is very touching and direct. The most important think I liked about this poem it's simplicity and depth. Although I am new to this platform but i can say it's a nice poem. i like the rhythmic breaks. A little suggestion, you could have used some imagery and other figure of speeches to create more depth.




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Sat Nov 09, 2019 12:34 pm
Nikhat Jonak says...



This poem is one of it's kind. It's beautiful and explains the realistic situation in a very simple manner. I hope to see more like this!
#Keep writing




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58 Reviews


Points: 3159
Reviews: 58

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Fri Nov 08, 2019 8:41 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



This is a nice work of poetry. Your illustration using the moon and stars really gets across the concept of unreachableness (is that a word??) that you're getting at. It is a common experience to feel attached to someone and yet not feel as valued in return, so this poem relates to the feelings of a large number of people. While it is important for us not to dwell on what we can't have, it is natural to go through a period of aching for what is lost. You've shown the emotion of pining quite well. Keep up the beautiful writing!




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9 Reviews


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Reviews: 9

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Fri Nov 08, 2019 5:13 pm
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mel0 wrote a review...



I really enjoyed reading this! The flow works really well with the subject and emotion level. It really showcases the emotions and feeling this person is having. You can really feel the love and longing. The line "though a dim one" feels a bit awkward. I think rewording it into something like "although it is dim" would help keep the flow and make it less awkward. A good title for this could also be "Out of Reach" Overall, great piece! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Feel free to disregard any feedback!




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148 Reviews


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Reviews: 148

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Fri Nov 08, 2019 3:43 pm
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KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hello FireSpyGirl, Katja here to review your poem. As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make should you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, lets get into the review~

Overall Thoughts

Your poem is well written- I really love the choppy structure which seems to emphasize the emotional nature of the poem. The imagery was also done very well. Overall, I love your poem.

The poem itself seems to be expressing an unrequited love of sorts. The narrator loves this person but they are "always out of reach, never to be mind to have, to hold". I love the comparisons, particular how you start off by saying this person is "the moon in my sky, you shed a light into my darkness".

My favorite part is:

You are the moon and the stars,

always out of reach,


The imagery really emphasizes the longing that is seemingly futile in the narrator's mind. Well done~

Suggestions

You are always there


Add a period to be consistent with punctuation-I'm assuming it's meant to be a finished line since the next one starts with a capital.

though a dim one.


This line felt awkward to me... Is it calling the light the person sheds on their darkness dim? Maybe change this to "though a dim one it is" or "though a dim light it is" if that was what you meant by the line. Overall the line confused me as to it's intention so I would alter it slightly to add clarity.

Summary

I really liked your poem, The emotional aspect of it is expressed very well and the imagery helps pack in the theme of longing.

I hope my review was helpful,

Keep Writing,

~Katja





I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe