At last, the school day had ended and I stretched my slender arms up and over my head to relieve the tension residing there. Silver, one of my greatest friends, swam over to me and asked,
"Hey, wanna go and play Tide-and-Sweep with Naveen-" Silver was then cut off by another one of my friends, Shaleen,
"Or examine some more possible places for retrieving pretty things or observing them?" I laugh, my voice sounding like bells in the water. I look at Shaleen and ask her,
"Do you really wany to look for pretty items or do want to watch Naveen's muscles rippling?" I glanced over my shoulder at Naveen, who was stationary by the classroom's entrance. He did have rather well-sized muscles but... I wouldn't call him big. Whenever dad - Poseidon - takes me traveling with him and he allows me to go off without him Naveen always tags along with me. Every time some handsome buff guy comes drifting up to me and tries to get me to ditch. I always tell them no and Naveen backs me up. The dummies think that because they have bigger muscles or abs that they can or will defeat Naveen and take me for their own. But, they lose each and every time. Shaleen and Silver are both convinced that dad wants me to marry Naveen and I partially agree with them. I mean he's nice and all, definitely strong enough to fight off competitors and protect me but... Dad did say that he wanted and would let me chose my husband. Naveen then swam up to us saying,
"What are you three whispering about? Plotting how'll spend your week off?" I giggle, gaining a wide smile from him.
"You make it sound like a bad thing!" I finish packing my books into my colorful bag and got up to leave. Naveen's shoulders shake with suppressed laughter. our chat as we left the school was just small talk and silliness. We swam towards the palace when we came upon a spot that was excellent for Tide-and-Sweep. turning to Naveen I tap his shoulder,
"Hey, Naveen....You're the sweeper!" Then, me Silver and Shaleen swim off to find hiding spots as Naveen turned around. We listened to the countdown as we looked for suitable hiding places. It was then that something shiny caught my eye down in the sand. Upon getting closer it was a shear package that contained black, silver and crimson gems. There was a trail of these gems leading to another coral reef. Then we were spotted by the worst thing possible. Shark folk.
There was four of them. Three boys and one girl. The girl had long blonde hair with black stripes flowing from her roots to the tips of her hair complemented by a tiger shark tail. One of the boys had a hammerhead shark tail and shaggy, light gray hair. His eyes seemed to be black voids with greed inside of them as hee gazed at the three of us. Another of the three boys had a smaller boy he was kinda cute and didn't look like he belonged with this crowd. His tail was the same as a Mako sharks'. He smiled showing us vampiric teeth - sharp and deadly. The last member of this little gang was the one who was the most captivating. His spiky black hair to his sleek dark gray Great White shark tail seemed in perfect harmony and completed him. 'Gah!! Why am I thinking like this?! He's one of the shark folk!' I thought. But he was gorgeous. At the time I didn't know it but, if I thought back on it later I'd know that I fell for him so hard. I was his and he was going to be mine.
"Heh, heh... Looky here. Mermaids." said the one with the hammerhead shark tail. All but the one with spiky black hair turned and smiled at them greedily as I straightened up and motioned for my friends to follow suit. They did but they made sure that their heads were lower than mine and further back than me.
"I'm sorry, did we trespass onto your territory?" I ask them, my voice strong and clear, like quiet bells. My voice caused the last one of their gang to join them his eye widening slightly.
"Yes. Yes, you are trespassing on our turf. Which gives us right to ask names and intentions. By the way, I'm Nexeus and this is Quake, Marleen, and Shank." Nexeus point to each in turn as he tells us who they are. I smile,
"I'm Tatiana, and this is Silver and Shaleen." I do the same as Nexeus and point out who is who just as Qwillo, - my shapeshifting pet - swam around my waist, causing me to laugh.
"And this is Qwillo," I say as I hold him. At this point in time, he was a golden seahorse. Nexeus regards my simple introductions and the I remember he also wanted to know our intentions.
"By the way, we came over here because we saw some gems and went to pick them up. There seemed to be a trail of them that lead this way so we followed, picking up the gems as we went. If you want we'll leave right away and we're terribly sorry for any inconvenience." Nexeus smiles and says,
"You are free to leave. I'll escort you to the border myself actually." Turning towards his group he tells them to go on without him and that he'll catch up soon as the three of us ar across the border. With that Nexeus brings us to the border. Soon as we pass over Nexeus leaves, slicing through the water back to his friends. Quickly the hide in caves big enough to fit them just as Naveen sweeps over. It took him two more sweeps till he found them. On the way to the palace after Silver and Shaleen left for their homes,
"Never took me that long to find you guys. The three of you are getting better. So, what are you doing tomorrow, Tatiana?" Naveen asks me.
"I have no clue, really," I tell him, just before we reach the palace gates. Then, Naveen grabs my arm and checks to see if anyone is around. Then, kisses me. His lips are gentle on mine and he pulls away with a small, content smile on his lips. I know that I'm blushing slightly and Naveen takes me to my room, shutting the door behind him so I can be alone with my thoughts. How did I feel about him? Could I really be with Naveen? Maybe I could...But what about Nexeus? 'Wait, why am I thinking about him? Yeah, he looks good but, looks aren't everything. He was probably thinking about how foolish I am and how many ways to trick me into something I don't want to do.' I fall asleep with both boys on my mind.
I grab breakfast and leave the castle before anyone wakes up. I find a suitable rock that coincidence dently is near the shark folk border. I perch on top of it and start to comb out my hair as I sing,
"Blue tides on the horizon, ....(write song for this part)
As I sang I gained an audience without noticing it. A few feet away - that's how close to the border I was - was none other than Nexeus. I let out a small squeak in surprise, for I didn't expect to see him even though I was this close to the border and, I had been thinking of him on the way here.
"What ya doing here?" Nexeus asks.
"Singing obviously. Have you never heard a mermaid's song?" I ask him. I find myself faintly smiling at him and he returns the smile.
"Well, of course. Duh!! Who hasn't? Other than most humans." With that he causes me to laugh. His eye widen at the sound like he's never heard me laugh before.
"What? You look like you don't know what I'm doing." I look at him and giggle at the idea.
"I know what you're doing. I just don't know why. I mean you're a mermaid and I'm one of the shark folk. Technically you should have left by now. Right when you saw me actually." I think about it and my golden tail flicked out a bit catching Nexeus' eye.
"Are you a...Royal?" He asks me. I stiffen as the words leave his mouth then, release a sigh.
"Yes. I am." Nexeus raised one of his hands and stretches it to me. I close my eyes and push my body into the water towards him. Nexeus ducks underwater to meet me at the border. I put my hand in his and he gently pulls me over into his side of the border. He motions for my to follow him as he lets go of me and leads me towards a new destination.
Over the next couple hours, he shows me different places that are near the border and likely places that he will be if I want to see him or need to talk to him. For the rest of my week off of school, I'm either with Nexeus or my friends. Nexeus is always nice to me and Naveen and I are never alone anymore so I can't talk to him about that random kiss he gave me.
"So... You have school tomorrow?" Nexeus asks me while resting his head on my lap. I was perched on a rock that was short enough to allow Nexeus to lay his head on me, but tall enough that the upper half of my tail wasn't covered by water.
"Yes, Nexeus. I have school. And a bodyguard. So, no. I won't be able to sneak away even if I could get out of school and away from my friends."
"You have a bodyguard? Why?" I smile down at him and twirl my fingers around a lock of his hair.
"I'm the princess. What do you think? Naveen is probably gonna yell at me again when I return." I say realizing the truth of my words. But, I wasn't worried about it. Naveen is never harsh to me. I wonder if it's because he truly wants to marry me.
"What are you thinking about and who's this Naveen?" Nexeus asks me.
"Oh, he's my bodyguard and he hates it when I leave the palace alone. Or without him. And I'm thinking about his intentions. I think he might want to marry me. I'm not sure yet." Nexeus looks up at me and says,
"What gives you the idea that he wants to marry you?" I look at him and decide to tell him even if it's not his business,
"On the day I met you he kissed me and he was appointed my bodyguard the day dad told me he wants me to chose my husband and that he'd let me chose anyone."
"So, what are you gonna do about it?" I look at him,
"I don't know yet."
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Hey there! Eli here for a review of your piece!
I did not expect the whole action to be actually underwater, I forgot about the title from the very beginning and you say nothing about the origin of the MC until the very end so it was very confusing for me. There is a title to hint that she is a mermaid not human but you still need to help the reader a bit to understand what is going on in this story. My main problem was that you jump from present tense to past tense like every second sentence in this story. The story itself was a great read, it reminded me of The Little Mermaid, but still you needed more explaination of everything that is going on. I love the way it starts though, confused teen that does not know what she is feeling towards that specific boy. I did not expect the kiss but it was a good touch. I feel like a love triangle is going to accure but that is also okay!
The other problems I have with this work are the minor mistakes like missing a capital letter or something like that. They just need to be checked and edited. I hope to see part two of this piece. You can see the edits in orange. I did not correct your tense mistakes so much as I have no idea what tense you want this story to be in.
"Do you really want to look for pretty items or do want to watch Naveen's muscles rippling?"
Our chat as we left the school was just small talk and silliness.
Turning to Naveen, I tap his shoulder,
Then, me, Silver and Shaleen swam off to find hiding spots as Naveen turned around.
It wasThenthatsomething shiny caught my eye down in the sand.His eyes seemed to be black voids with greed inside of them as he gazed at the three of us.
His tail was the same as
aMako sharks'.His spiky black hair, his sleek dark gray to his great white shark tail seemed in perfect harmony and completed him.
At the time I didn't know it but, if I thought back on it, later I'd know that I fell for him so hard.
"Heh, heh... Look
yhere. Mermaids."My voice caused the last one of their gang to join them, his eyes widening slightly.
Nexeus regards my simple introductions and then I remember he also wanted to know our intentions.
Turning towards his group, he tells them to go on without him and that he'll catch up soon as the three of us are across the border.
Quickly they hide in caves big enough to fit them just as Naveen sweeps over.
'Wait, why am I thinking about him? Yeah, he looks good but, looks aren't everything. He was probably thinking about how foolish I am and how many ways to trick me into something I don't want to do.'
Keep on writing!
I'm going to stop there for a few reasons, most of which were addressed in the line by line above. The first reason however has to do with your piece as a whole. This was a really rough draft and it showed. You had many punctuation errors and quite a few grammatical errors as well. Also you need to very sentence structure and work on the way you write dialogue. As is, the way this is written made it hard to read and keep track of what was happening. Now, I am not saying that this piece isn't good. I like the ideas behind it and I could see relationships between the characters that if worked well could defiantly be progressed. I also liked some of the descriptions of this piece so nice job there. My overall suggestion would be, go back and reread out loud. Rewrite and rethink somethings. I don't mean to sound harsh. If you happen to post a second draft of this or even edit this one, then I would love to write another review [if you're up to it] Good luck and continue writing. Never give up. If you have any questions feel free to ask. ---Myjaspercat
Really good review. How did you do the different colors?
Also even though this is not a formal review: I liked the ideas behind the piece. I needs a lot of proofreading, but I know you can do it!
you can get the different colors by using bb code... example would be [color=---insert color---]--insert text---[/color].
Hi, sorry about the overbearing descriptions. It's just that I REALLY don't like it when I can't get a clear picture of the scene in my head. The reason I don't end my sentences is that I use Grammarly which shows and explains to me why it suggests the editations. But for some reason - probably because I don't have the premium version.
Thank you for your suggestions! I will take them into account and make a new draft but said new draft might not be posted on here. Thanks again!
Hey Raven Black here!


) I thought it'd be a - actually I don't even know xD I suggest changing the name so it fits with the game.

I'm going to review this as I go along
- Haha I love the name 'Tide and Sweep' as a game
- 'my voice sounding like bells in the water' - I don't really understand this description, is her voice loud is that what your trying to illustrate.
- "Do you really want to look for pretty items or do want to watch Naveen's muscles rippling?" (I don't mind if we do xP)
- 'Every time some handsome buff guy comes drifting up to me and tries to get me to ditch. I always tell them no and Naveen backs me up.' I think this should be written as: 'Every time some handsome buff guy comes drifting up to me and tries to get me to ditch, I always tell them no and Naveen backs me up.' It connects the sentences together, which makes this section make sense. (Sorry I can't explain things properly)
- I think you should split the fourth paragraph up at 'Shaleen and Silver are both convinced...'. The paragraph is rather big and seems daunting to read.
- I think 'Naveen then swam up to us saying, "What are you three whispering about? Plotting how'll spend your week off?" I giggle, gaining a wide smile from him.' should be together instead of one starting at the end of a paragraph and the other on a new line.
- Wait 'Tide and Sweep' is 'Hide and Seek'! I didn't get that from the name. (Yes I'm stupid
-Haha these sharks remind me of Shark Tale. I really hope they don't hurt the mermaids...why does it feel like someone's going to get hurt? (P.S i love the description, I think you chose their appearances well, really captivates their personalities)
- I'm not sure quiet bells resonates a strong and clear sound...
- Hmmm I think Nexeus likes her...
- Great description of the kiss, it's sweet and innocent, not sure that I want her to be with him anymore though after meeting Nexeus...#TeamTaneus anyone???
-YASSS NEXEUS IS BACK!
- I don't know why but this description confuses me, I can't seem to understand what happened:
Nexeus raised one of his hands and stretches it to me. I close my eyes and push my body into the water towards him. Nexeus ducks underwater to meet me at the border. I put my hand in his and he gently pulls me over into his side of the border. He motions for my to follow him as he lets go of me and leads me towards a new destination.
- As I'm reading the interaction between Nexeus and her I can't seem but wonder how she's not afraid of him. I can understand if she's the type not to judge people but he's a shark and sharks look terrifying.
-Why is she telling him all this, she practically just met him...
Overall loved the story reminded me of The Little Mermaid and i loved that film. Plus interesting characters. However I felt the interaction between Nexeus and Tatiana was unrealistic...
Other than that great! Keep Writing!
Thanks for the review! I may be weird but I love it when people criticize my work. Some day I want to be an author and my books need to make sense. So, thanks a lot!!
Omg same! I want to be an author too and I love feedback, it really helps