I was getting the mail, pausing my movie. Mom was running errands again so, I had - once again - our perfectly clean house to myself. I really didn't have any friends to hang out with and I didn't want to walk around the mall by myself. As I returned to my movie I went through our mail,
"Bills... Bills... Advertisement... Bills... Coupons... Writing award for mom... Bills... Huh?" In my hand was a black envelope with red printing addressed to my mother. Placing the rest of the mail on the counter I open the envelope and look at the contents. Inside was a single piece of black paper with red printing once again. On the paper was a single line that read:
Spy2spY
I ran upstairs to my room and typed the strange line into my login bar.
' I wonder if this will work... I mean it does seem to be a login password of some sort.' I thought seconds later a message in the same style as the envelope popped onto my screen, but I never got to read it because there was a pounding on the front door accompanied by some shouting for me to let them in. Acting on impulse I plugged in one of my USBs and uploaded the message onto said USB shoving all my USBs into my pocket, I pull out my emergency bag that mom made sure I always had ready in case I needed to go and had no time to pack. Into it goes my electronics, a few books, and a few other things that I have time to pack and grab Storm's to go bag as well. Then I hear the front door shatter and men's voices fill out living room.
"Okay... What to do, what to do.." I try to figure out how to get out of the house unnoticed if there are people downstairs probably looking for any signs of life. Then I hear the sound of a helicopter right outside of my open window. A dark figure then leaps into my room and grabs my stuff throwing it out the window and then grabs my and Storm, bringing us out onto the roof and passing us to someone else who's in the helicopter, jumping in after us. The person sets me down.
"W-who are you..." I say as I black out.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,141 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hiya Izzy here for a story review (I have been doing only poetry reviews lately so sorry if I'm a bit rusty!)
I like this story! But the begining could use some more background context and explain a little more. First chapters to a story are very important! It gives you the chance to tell the reader who your character is.
And about the having no friends comment in the begining-same dude, same.
The whole paragraph with the USB thing was a lil confusing honestly.
Maybe read it through again and make some changes and see what places need to be changed.
But, you did very well! I liked this story very much and the mystery aspect helped a lot too.
Izzy
Interesting and exciting. It takes your attention and makes you want it to be longer. There are a few spelling errors, but they pale in comparison to the story's excitement. This is very like a lot of other things, but the first chapter of every spy story seems the same. As Gandalf once said, "All we have to choose is what to do with the time that is given to us. And that is an encouraging thought." The story hasn't really begun yet, so until it does we won't know much about Storm (whoever she is) or the protagonist or anything.
Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and I'm reviewing right now to fill in my existential dread and hatred. Here's my review:
Pacing is a special word. It's also an annoying word, as I've come to known. See, the problem with pacing is that it had to be in that exact sweet spot. Otherwise, your story will seem too slow and tedious or will be too fast and offputting. I feel as though this current chapter is a case example of the latter.
Let's try to follow this paragraph by paragraph:
The first paragraph is perfectly fine. It may include a bit too much information. We don't need to know that our protag has no friends, at least at this point in time. Again, it's your choice to include it or not. The second paragraph is roughly in the same vein as the first, so it's fine as is.
can be combined with the third paragraph.
The third paragraph... hoo boy. Where do I start? So, protag enters the code into a computer's login bar. Whose computer? Protag's, or their mom's? Just a little nitpick. Next, a message appears, but there's someone pounding at the door before protag gets to read it. So, on impulse, protag copies the message to their USB, which isn't very much a thing you do on impulse, but oh well. But, copying the message, without even reading it? That's slightly far-fetched. Afterwards, protag picks up their emergency bag, which exists, I guess and stuffs their things inside. Then they pick up Storm(who you have not introduced at all)'s bag, and afterwards, men enter the house.
The fourth paragraph is a bit of a doozy as well. So, Protag wonders how to get out. A helicopter, in broad daylight mind you, proceeds fly over the house, and a dark figure enters through the window, I assume. They then throw the bags outside and take the protag and Storm(who we still don't even know. Is it a pet or something?) onto the roof, and hand them over to a person in the helicopter. The protag then blacks out, despite the lack of any physical action done against them.
I have a lot to say about these two. First, based on my opening paragraph, is the pacing problem. The protag tries to enter the code into the computer at the start of the third paragraph, but by the end, people have already broken in. The fourth starts with protag wondering how to get out, and by the end, they've been kidnapped. These happen way too quickly. There should be some kind of substance between the events. It's a first-person story, so we should be able to get the protag's thoughts in as well. So far, however, it's been 'I do one thing. Then, I do another thing. Afterwards, something happens so I do a third thing.' Adding any kind of thoughts can both add additional substance to your story, as well as define the character of your currently personality-void protagonist.
The second is the doubtful existence of 'Storm.' I've reread your story, and Storm had been mentioned a total of 2 times, neither explaining who or what it is. I'd assume it was a pet, but then why would it have a bag as well?
The third is just another small nitpick, and it's unnecessary info. Part of paragraph 3 is how the protag puts away their items into their bag. Paragraph 4 has someone toss away this bag. If that's the case, then why have nearly half of paragraph 3 there? Unless it has any sort of importance later, then it's not needed.
So, there's my review of your first chapter. Super spy... it's one of the lesser known cliches, I'll admit. It's slightly annoying, though, how this really just seems like the beginning to Spy Kids 4, but without any of the personality of the characters.
I was thinking about doing a review for this, but I read yours first and realized that I couldn't have said it better myself. Nice job on the review!