Alpha-Bet

Hey there, FireFox! You're doing such an amazing job reviewing that I thought you deserved another review on your story here. I'll try my best to give you some pointers on describing settings and characters.

This is a very short chapter, and maybe it would do best as a prologue? I'm just throwing the idea out there, but I think it would be one heck of an impact if this was a BEFORE Ricky bet, and the first chapter jumps into the AFTER-- Ricky starving and his family falling apart because of that stupid bet he made months ago. It's totally up to you!

Characterization wise, we don't quite know Ricky's personality other than he has an uncontrollable urge to bet on things without really taking into consideration the consequences. And I think this is a wonderful character flaw, too. One thing that I loved about this chapter was you included Ricky actually thinking about the consequences if he lost but acting as if they were puny and he could survive them.

One great way to describe a character, both inside and out, is to drop subtle hints here and there. When Ricky looks at the TV, say he was startled by his reflection because he looked so ragged. You can then go on to say that Ricky was usually dressed in a so-and-so way but now that he was in jail, he looked like a crazy person. You can tell us the color of his hair a bit and his facial features, but don't write it like you're reading off of a list. You can tell us the smell of the cell; what do the men smell like? And I'm not too sure what kind of jail Ricky is in either because this one has a TV. I was slightly confused on that.

When Ricky thinks back to his wife, you can say that he could picture Erin's face in his mind when she was yelling at him. This is a great way to generally describe what she looks like. As for characterization, you can further elaborate on it in the future chapters.

I really hope this helps. Please do tell me when you have the next chapter up so I can read it! Keep up the great work reviewing but don't forget to write for yourself too (-:

-Kev

Since you reviewed my story I only thought it'd be right to return the favor! I read over the other reviews and they all said be more descriptive and I gotta say I agree with em'. Try to paint more of a picture of the surroundings and maybe a little bit of describing the characters as well. But over all this is really good, I'm more of a supernatural kinda gal but this is just so cool! Keep it up~

Thanks for your review from earlier!
Let's get down to business:
You tell us before you start that you're worried about detail, and that's totally reasonable. I think this one could have done with a bit more on the surroundings, just to set a shadier mood, I guess.
I'm very curious as to where you'll be going with this, and since it's realistic/general, there's actually a lot of foreshadowing that I probably wouldn't have caught otherwise. (I mostly read Fantasy...) So great job with that!
It would be nice if you gave some sort of indication of Ricky's age. Is he thirties, forties, or maybe even early fifties? Also, most grown men would have gone by Rick rather than Ricky. Just putting that out there.
I think if the other gamblers will have large roles, you could have explained background and exposition in this chapter.
Other than all that, you did awesome! I don't normally read realistic fiction, but I'll be coming back once the next chapter is up.

i really like this! Your grammar is a lot better than mine.. I only found one spelling error and that was in the line "Just wake me up when there's give minutes left." but compared to how many errors i have in my poems have thats nothing :p

I like the fact it takes place in a prison, but you should take advantage of that scene and get really descriptive with that! the other review gave some good descriptions ideas but you could add how the guards look, the smell, doing the same thing everyday, how unsanitary it is, theres endless possibilities when it comes to prison!

One thing i really liked about this was the conversation with the wife. It gives you a glimpse of what the characters life was like before he got in jail. Some things i would add are why is the character in jail? thats pretty important. Also i would describe the character in the beginning of the story. Sometimes i'll read books that dont even state what the main character looks like and that bugs me so i would do it in the beginning. something like

"Ricky was an average guy in his mid 40's. He once had dark brown hair but its gone grey over the years from stress, his forhead and face show signs of aging with an occasional wrinkle here and there. Overall he was a pretty good looking guy, as good as he can be considering he lives his life behind bars."

Overall i think this story is really good(: i did not get bored while reading it and i think you have a lot of talent! I can never write fiction stories they always turn out short and boring so i'm really impressed with your work! Please post more!

This story had me in the beginning. I always enjoy a nice prison shanking, or riot. I expected the story to end with some action, especially with the characters gambling problems. I'll answer your questions as best I can.

You decide if something needs more or less description. For instance in this story, I would have tried to make the reader feel as trapped as the character. Describe how his bed is hard, how the prison always stinks, the walls a bland grey, with the bars of his cell the only view. When I describe something it's because I want the reader to connect with the character. The right time to start describing the character is all the time. The idea is to do it in tidbits. A little bit here and there. He can start poking at his yellowed teeth for instance. Then later the character runs a hand through his greasy black hair, thinking about his bet. Some examples, but I'm sure you could find better.

The way you included the conversation with his wife made me think the character had incredible memory. Usually people remember only the point of the conversation, or snippets, not entire rants. I thought maybe that is the character, so I'm not going to point that out as a problem. Another thing that bothered was where the story went. I understood that the story was meant to show the characters extreme gambling problem. The thing that bothered me was that it led to a disappointing ending. The bet was made and the story was done. I was hoping for some fists. It is prison after all. The last thing that bothered me was how he thought sarcastically. Sarcasm is meant for another person. It is meant to actually mean the opposite of what is said. I don't know what the purpose of thinking that would be. He knows what he meant, it's his mind, so why think it like that? It just bothered me.

I liked the setting, very interesting place, prison. The characterization was well done. I know a lot about the character in these few lines. His problems, his attitude, the way he carries himself. The things that say nothing, are usually the ones that talk the most. The way the wife spoke carried emotion, but it could be more realistic. Try to listen to really heated conversations and see the way they speak. It helps a ton. Overall this story was anti-climatic, but short enough to be interesting.

I congratulate you on writing! It is an achievement to be proud of. Take my criticism to heart and don't be discouraged. I wish you the best of luck on your writing. Continue writing and you will improve. I wish to see this story further developed in the future:)