12+ Mature Content

The Rise of the Fallen: Prologue

The Rise of The Fallen

Prologue

It was dark day for all of them. Each and every victim of the plague had families, families that had loved and cared for them every day of their long or short life. You see, this disease killed woman, men, children and livestock. It left nothing untouched. There had already been an unaccountable amount of deaths among the townspeople, mostly the peasants and poor farmers that couldn’t afford the cure. There was a cure and yet the man who owned it sold it to the highest bidder. The price always ranged more than the common folk and a few of the lesser lords could afford. Countless lives had been lost that could have been saved with the mixture of expensive herbs left to sit in a dusty safe hold. The man who possessed the cure was none other than King Tergin, the direct descendant of the Good King Duncan. It was a thought to ponder. How could King Duncan, a courageous and caring king have raise up such a son?

In all the years that many had known King Duncan he had been patiently instructing the rules of charity and wisdom to his children. There was scarcely a time that he had acted in pride rather than chivalry. Unfortunately, the young prince fell in with a group of evil, rebellious men. He was soon sucked into their manipulation. Some would stand in his defense and shrug it off as a small fault expected from young noblemen. Others know better. Driven from jealousy of the ranger, Emereck, Prince Tergin had purposely sought out the band of evil conspirators. Although there was no proof found, it was as definite as the wind and the stars that he had paid them to assassinate his father. He was then left with and open throne.

The first order that Prince Tergin had enforced was the death of Emereck and the banishment of his own sister, Princess Amelia. If she returned to ---------- she would be killed on sight. Emereck had been one of King Duncan’s most trusted friends; therefore, he had gained many allies in every rank. He was alerted of his king’s death and the plans of the jealous heir to kill him. He took with him, Princess Amelia and a few other close friends and fled the country. Jealousy had long passed to hatred and the prince, who was now king, killed every ranger he knew of. He then issued the strict order of banishment of all rangers.

The remaining rangers united and called themselves---------. They avenged their fallen brothers but the cost was great. A war had emerged and this war is now called The Forsaken Fallen. The few remaining rangers went into hiding, Emereck and his brother included. For years King Tergin searched every nook and cranny for their secret hiding place but he soon gave up in despair. Now, several years later, the very existence of rangers has escaped the minds of many, especially the young.

Chapter One

Tauriel ran as fast as she could, trying to make it to the tavern before it was too late. The rumours that were flying around couldn’t be true but deep down she knew they were. She caught glimpses of woman scurrying away with their little ones. The horror on some of the younger children’s faces was all she needed to know to confirm her own nightmares. She doubled her pace with a new surge of speed. Her stomach twisted into a knot of worry. Out of all the times she had been frightened in the past it didn’t quite hurt as much as it did then. She prayed silently that it wasn’t her brother being imprisoned, that it was some stranger she didn’t know. Her prayers gave her little comfort though; she knew why he was being taken by the king’s men. So did everyone else. Her mother’s miraculous recovery from the plague wasn’t just a streak of luck. No, her brother had snuck into the castle without permission and he had stolen the cure that was worth more than many lives. Tauriel remembered begging him to forget the foolish idea. She had pleaded in vain. Now, he was being taken for his crime and she knew she could do nothing about it. He would die, that was the sacrifice for her mother’s life.

She opened the tavern door with shaky hands. The scene before her made the blood drain from her face; the knots in her stomach grew. There stood Mark being bound hand and foot in shackles by a royal bounty hunter. His face was bloody and bruised. A few of the guards turned their heads at her entrance. One of them whispered something to the bounty hunter, causing him to look behind him, directly at Tauriel.

A shiver went down her spine, “What right do you have to arrest him?” she demanded barely above a whisper. She tried to make her voice sound confident but her attempt had failed hopelessly.

The bounty hunter ignored her question, instead, he asked her a question of his own, “Are you the one he used the cure on?”

He had a much stronger build, far stronger than she. He could overpower her within seconds. He was dressed in black leather pants and shirt with studded leather boots. He wore a black cloak with the emblem representing a royal bounty hunter, working for the king or some other minion that could pay a high price. Its hood was drawn over his head, but, it did not stop her from noticing his penetrating black eyes that bore into her own. He was a sight to give even the fearless of people the edge of caution.

Her gaze wandered to Mark, he was frightened for her, more frightened for her life than his own. He shook his head so lightly that only she could have noticed it. He was warning her, telling her to choose her next words wisely, “No.”

The bounty hunter grunted before turning back to Mark, “Is she telling the truth?”

“Yes,” Mark replied forcing himself to meet the man’s eyes.

The man’s eyebrows rose in surprise, “So you admit that you stole the cure?”

Mark hesitated, he knew that he had been seen and recognized by a servant as he left the king’s safe hold. He knew he had been identified, there was no use trying to conceal the truth. He had been waiting for this day for weeks now. Besides, Ma was safe and healthy that’s all he asked for. That’s all he cared about. “Yes.”

“Excellent. You are a wise young man. No use causing yourself any more trouble than what is necessary. It is a shame, of course, that you chose this path. You would have made good material for the king’s army.”

He pushed Mark forward none too kindly, causing him to nearly collide into Tauriel. He was then dragged out of the tavern by two guards. By the looks on their faces Mark was no light load. He was not over weight but he did have a solid build that would cause a few aching shoulders. If they would have just let them walk they would have saved themselves much trouble but they wouldn’t miss the opportunity to make an example of him.

Tauriel watched helplessly as he was being physically beaten by the men. She was just about to scream at them to stop when a hand touched her shoulder with a firm grip. She spun around trying to cage her fury; even this didn’t stop the hatred that was noticeable in her eyes.She was face to face with the man who was responsible for this nightmare.

He stared at her through scrutinizing eyes, “If I’m followed, I will have no qualms about killing you. Do I make myself clear?”

She nodded her head slowly, “What will happen to him?”

The remaining guards began to chuckle but the bounty hunter gave no sign of amusement. His face held a grave motionless expression, “That is up to the king to decide but I will tell you one thing. Death would be a reward, after he is done with him he will be wishing he was never born.”

Her body began to tremble. He was so sure, so positive. She felt as if her world was just beginning to be built and now someone was tearing it apart with no mercy. She blinked back the tears that stung her eyes; she wouldn’t let them see her cry. She refused to give them the pleasure to see her more helpless. The man lowered his gaze and brushed past her. He issued a few orders to the guards who were still drinking their fill of mead. They quickly gulped down the remaining alcohol and rushed outside, only a few spared her a glance of pity.

They hauled her brother to a wagon and shoved him in there, securing his shackles to an iron chain. The wagon looked as if it were meant for caging the most ferocious animal known out there. To the king, it was only imprisoning another pesky peasant who held less respect than a flea. She could no longer hold her tears; they flowed down her cheek like a current. She met her brother’s gaze, his eyes were proud. He wasn’t ashamed of his crime. He was glad to have done what he did. If given the chance he would have done it again.

He was standing and blood was running down through his hair. His hands were gripping the cage for support and his brown eyes were memorizing the town he had practically grown up in. He knew he wasn’t coming back.

As the wagon drove away he gazed at her without one tear on his face. He was brave, much braver than she. “Take care of Ma for me, would you?”

She wanted to run to him, to help him escape. She knew it was of no use, they would just throw her in there like a caged animal. What’s the matter with slaughtering a few peasants; after all, there were millions more out there. No, she had to return home and tell Ma and Pa what had happened. She had to inform them that they would no longer have a son.

She stared after them even after they had disappeared from view. He was gone, that was all she could think about. Her brother was gone. Finally, when the sky began to darken, a hand touched her shoulder lightly. It was only then that she realized the townspeople were watching her. Some watched with pity evident on their face and others looked at her with suspicion. The crowd was made up of mostly men, a few women who didn’t have children to take care of and the odd pesky child who escaped from his mother’s protective arms.

Darius, the smith of---------, stood behind her. For as long as she remembered he had always been a good family friend. He was something close to an uncle to her. He had been there from the beginning. There was more than one time that he offered a hand with the many chores of running a farm, while only taking a fair portion of the crop. He even took Mark on as an apprentice for a few years to instruct him in the many arts of blacksmithing. There was never a time that Tessella didn’t feel as if she could trust him with her secrets. Only now did she realize there was nothing that even he could do to help her brother. Mark’s life depended upon a higher authority, an authority that demanded his death.

He was of average height but he was as thick and muscled as most smiths. He had hair that came to his shoulders and a scruffy beard. He certainly did not favor the good looks but he made up for it by his charisma. He was looking down at her with pity, “Come along now child, there is nothing more you can do. Your folks couldn’t have heard the news, not where they live.”

He was right as always, there was nothing she could do, “I know,” she said softly.

Darius sighed, “He chose, Tauriel, he chose to sacrifice his life for your mother’s. Who knows perhaps King Tergin will find mercy somewhere in his heart.”

Tauriel looked up and said bitterly, “The king doesn’t have a heart.”

The crowd began to disperse. It was getting late and the excitement was over. A few people came to give her their sympathies.She tried to keep a straight face for them but the tears were pressing down on her like currents.

A silence grew between them before Darius began to depart saying, “The soldiers took your horses for the men to ride. Apparently, they were attacked by bandits and two of their horses were killed. Go now and borrow the chestnut in the far stall.”

“Thank-you,” she whispered. Another tear slid down her face.

Comments & reviews · 10
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Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Well I saw Chapters 2 and 3 in the literary works, but figured I should start from the beginning. So I shall do that.

So firstly, I am going to have to admit that this prologue isn't going to work out very well. For one, it's basically one huge info dump. I can't actually remember that much of it. Why it is like that way is because you wrote it with the idea (I think; correct me if I'm wrong) that you had to have the basic storyline laid out for us with the prologue. While you did have the storyline presented well, as in everything was most likely there, it was however just one big info dump. Info dumps are tricky to avoid in a prologue, mainly because you are trying to give information at the time but haven't figured how to slip it to the reader. I'd suggest, instead of this prologue, try to use an example. Such as the prince betraying his father and ordering for him to assassinated. An example is always best to capture the reader's attention and is also waaay more interesting.

You see, this disease killed woman, men, children and livestock.


I'm wondering why you changed the traditional order of this? From men, women, children, and livestock? Also, seeing as woman is singular, you would need to switch it to its plural form. :)

How could King Duncan, a courageous and caring king have raise up such a son?


Whoaaaah, awkward right here. This entire sentence needs to be put in into past tense, instead of present tense I think. So have would be had, and raise would be raised, ect..., Since it technically happened in the past, that's the way it should be.

The scene before her made the blood drain from her face; the knots in her stomach grew


This is my mere personal opinion, so you can take it either way. I personally don't think that the semi-colon is necessary here, nor should it be used. Semi-colons are really an aspect of grammar that is tricky to do, because you have to use them right or they just won't snap right with the reader. For instance, you can have everything perfectly grammatically correct, but semi-colons also break up the flow of the sentence. Think of them as a sudden jerk and that just about sums up a semi-colon. Just something to think about. ^^

own, “Are you


No comma necessary here. A period is better. xD

. She felt as if her world was just beginning to be built and now someone was tearing it apart with no mercy. She blinked back the tears that stung her eyes; she wouldn’t let them see her cry. She refused to give them the pleasure to see her more helpless.


Here we see a bit of redundancy. You start each sentence off with she did this or she did that, and generally we classify that as redundancy. Try to go for a bit of variety, try to not start sentences with same words. Generally all it takes is a quick read through, and the redundant parts will stick out. :) Hope that made sense.

down her cheeks


Just a small typo I thought I would point out.

Okay, I think that's all for now. Sorry, if this is shorter than the usual but you have some pretty awesome reviewers already. xD

Keep writing!

~Cricket

Hey there *trumpets sounding* I’ve come to review!
So, this first part is going to seem a bit nit picky, sorry not sorry, but I like to get it out of the way in the beginning so that you can notice it on your own near the end...

Okay, so here we go:

“You see this disease killed woman,”

You need a comma after the ‘you see’

“It was a thought to ponder, how could King Duncan, a courageous, caring king have raise up such a son?”

this sentence might flow a bit better if you made ‘It was a thought to ponder’ a separate sentence and then re-did your commas on the question. I forget the exact english-class term for it, (appositive maybe?) but ‘a courageous, caring king’ renames King Duncan and therefore there would be commas all over the place and you would need an ‘and’ instead of a comma in between courageous and caring. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that it might look better like this ‘How could King Duncan, a courageous and caring king, have raised up such a son?’

Again, nit picking- sorry. But this story is worth it because I already love the premise even in this first paragraph :)

“Driven from jealousy of the ranger, Emereck, Prince Tergin had purposely sought out the band of evil conspirators.”

what is a ranger? I don't think it is ever explained...

“to assassinate his father. He was then left with his dead father’s throne.”

This area gets a little redundant. It might be simpler to say something like “an open throne” or something of the like.

“The first order that Prince Tergin had forced was the death of Emereck and the banishment of his own sister, Princess Amelia.”

Okay, three things
1. Awesome way to build the corruption in this character so far- I’m loving it!
2. If he is a king, he does not need to force an order. He says it and it is done because he is king (and rightful heir anyways) so there is no disputing his rights
3. You mention the death of Emereck and I feel like what is behind it is such a great thing, but it has been passed off to the side. Emereck was the man who sent the prince on his long corrupting road to pay people to kill his father and then him. Obviously he is more important than two sentences. It has peaked my curiosity immensely and i want to know :)

“If she returned to ---------- (Trying to think of a name, any ideas?) she would be killed on sight.”

I dont have any ideas for the name, but I have found that there is a name generating website for fantasy books called nine.frenchboys.net (stupid name because it has nothing to do with what is really inside of the website) but that might help (and they dont care if you use the names, there is a note on the website and everything so its all free to use.)

“Emereck had been one of King Duncan’s most trusted friends; therefore, he had gained many friends in every rank.”

Redundancy again, try allies for the last one, not everyone in a kingdom wants to be your friend. Also, the story goes backward a little here because you’ve already discussed what has happened to the king and how Emereck died and now you're speaking of what Emereck was when he was alive.

At the end of the prologue you talk about the prince (now king) searching for Emereck, which means that his previous decree was for the death of Emereck should he be found.

And a last note for the prologue- whenever you’re mentioning ‘the many’ you don’t always have to use ‘the’ sometimes it can be easier to just say ‘it has escaped the minds of many’

Overall, absolutely excellent and wonderful storyline so far, I’m loving it!


In Chapter One:

“by the king’s man.”

Is it one man or many men of the king?

“Finally, when the sky began to darken a hand touched her shoulder lightly.”

Everything in between the last quote and this one was awesome for building the plot. I love all of the evil that you’ve been able to put into this. However, this quote is missing a comma because a hand isn’t darkened. ‘Finally, when the sky began to darken,’ << COMMA :)

“A tear slid down her face.”

She was just crying a whole bunch, so noting that single one was good, but you need to single it out more. ‘another tear’ or ‘the last tear she would ever cry’ but otherwise it sounds like the first tear.

I loved loved loved the way this ended- way to keep your reader hooked even if your character is just complying and about to walk somewhere. Excellent job!!! I love it and am heading over to review your chapter 2 tomorrow hopefully :) keep up the awesome and amazing work, the whole concept is awesome!

BTW, I cannot figure out how to put things into italics and quotation marks as everyone else on this site can, but if I do figure it out then I will start to do it that way so I won’t sound so abrupt…
Happy Writings!!!

Wow! Thank you so much. This review is amazing! Don't worry about being nit picky. This is exactly what I need to improve my story. I just have to say one thing. You will see Emereck at one point. In fact I was going to write my second book about the past. The prologue was pretty much a summary of my second book. Also....when I said:

%u201CThe first order that Prince Tergin had forced was the death of Emereck and the banishment of his own sister, Princess Amelia.%u201D

and said:

Emereck had been one of King Duncan%u2019s most trusted friends; therefore, he had gained many friends in every rank.%u201D


I was meaning that the king ordered his death but he escaped before it could be done because of the allies he made.

Also, thanks for all of the wonderful tips. I'll try to fix it soon. Your review is REALLY appreciated!

My pleasure:) and I understand, thanks for clearing that up!

Your welcome. I sometimes forget that people don't know what's in my head =P

User avatar
Jalmoc
Review
Jalmoc wrote a review · Sun Nov 23, 2014 4:23 am

Hey there! This was a really interesting piece. Your descriptions were really good and sentence structure was solid. For your first post on here, you're making some serious waves. I think the only thing I would request is more of an image of what the main character looks like. Otherwise I believe that this was a solid piece of work, good job!

As for the naming of your kingdom, I can think of a few names if you so wish to use them. (or consider them) Quaran, Viran, Cassira, Solitude, or Firmus. I wish you the best of luck with your future endeavors.

Keep On Writing!!!
Truly Yours,
Jalmoc

Those are some awesome names thanks so much! I really appreciate you reviewing this. Oh and her description is coming in the second chapter =P

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Vibe
Comment

You are indeed a good writer. I was sort of thinking what the kingdom be called like and ended up with confusing and funny names, so I then stopped. Nyaha!

This one's so long for me. Nyaha. Cause I don't really have a lot of time to spend for reading.

Keep the fire burning fire!

Haha I get that feeling some times too. Nothing like a long chapter when you don't have time to read =).

Haha I will and thanks for the review!

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RowanCrow
Review

This is fantastic. I have always wanted a book just like this. A mix between the series rangers apprentice, and something like Inkheart. These really are some cool ideas, and the stories about the medieval ages have always interested me, fantasy, or historical fiction, either way. As long as the author is skilled, as you so clearly are, i love it.

Thanks you so much! Your words mean a lot to me. I too have always been interested in the medieval times.

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FireBird99
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Wow..thanks everyone! I do have more but I have to wait until I get more points to put it up haha.

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Firelight
Comment

I love this story! It had a lot of discription with good vocabulary. The story really kept you hooked the entire time. I didn't see any mistakes, so good job on that. You gave a good bit of information so I didn't get lost or confused. It was a great story, keep writing! I can't wait to see what comes next!

Thank you so much!

Hey I really loved this story, your description was awesome, it helped the reader dive right into your chapter, As for the info chucking you could set it up as placing it throughout your chapter or make it into a prologue that way you get the readers interest. Your details are really good, for example giving the background info or when you wrote,

" securing his shackles to an iron chain. The wagon looked as if it were meant for caging the most ferocious animal known out there. To the king,".

Overall, can't wait to read the next chapter and keep writing!

This means so much too me. Thank you. =P

User avatar
Burrow
Review
Burrow wrote a review · Mon Nov 17, 2014 7:41 am

Jack here for a short review.

Well I love your idea her, it reminds me of Rangers apprentice and how the rangers started of.

Anyway I really love this, you wrote this really well. There is hardly any mistakes and there is a lot of description that takes your story fart above others.

There is one thing though, the start is a bit of a info dump, maybe if you mix that in with the rest of the story. (I often info dump to, its a bad habit, don't worry it can be fixed!)

Also some of your paragraphs are way to long and hard to read. If you split it up, it will be much easier to read.

Anyway good job and I look forward to reading more. Thumbs up!!

Jack

I've Written Ranger's Apprentice. To tell you the truth I kind of got the idea from there. Every book that I read the ranger is always with the king so I decided to do something where the rangers are banned or something. As for the info dump, I kind of meant to do that. I figured that I'd give a thorough short summary of what happened. Hehe I know I am giving things away but I thought about writing a second book about what happened in the prologue. Thanks for the tips though, I will definitely look into them and try and fix things up. =P I appreciate that you took the time to read this.

Yay someone else who loves ranger's apprentice!!

Yeah I info dump sometimes to, I like it, I think it works, but a lot of people don't so yeah, just a suggestion :)

Hehe I meant read. Embarrassing typo XD

I love The Ranger's Apprentice! Good old Halt, eh?

Thanks for the suggestions =)

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FireBird99
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Hope you guys like it =) Oh and when something is like this _____ or ----- its because I have to think of a name.



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