Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter 3
Convincing her to travel with him had been a lot easier than he thought. He knew that she was still wary of him but it didn’t matter. His goal was complete. He was now travelling with her and he could figure out what connection she had with the dagger. He told the girl that he had to stock up on supplies, which in itself was true, but first he had to finish a little bit of unfinished business before he left.
His figure was silhouetted against the morning sunrise as he made his way down to the creek in the middle of the forest. Not the best of meeting places he’ll admit, but it was sufficient enough for what he was doing.
“Skinner, Red get out here,” Rolt said, addressing the trees.
“Yeah, boss,” came the immediate reply. Then he and his partner stepped from the trees and walked to him. “Where’s our money?”
Rolt laughed, “You did a good job, boys. Don’t worry about me holding out on you. I stick to my deals.”
Skinner shrugged, “Never know. I’ve been robbed by your kind before.”
“Why’d you want us to put a scare on that pretty lady anyway?” Red asked.
That’s what you get for hiring amateur thugs, Rolt thought. “Now that aint any of your business, Red, you did a good job and that’s all there is too it. Don’t you worry, I won’t harm her.”
Red pondered this and after he thought it through he seemed content. Rolt gave the two men their pay before leaving. For a minute he was worried that they’d interfere but now he knew that Red had asked only out of curiosity. Everything was going his way; for now.
***
They had been on the road for half a day at the most, when Rolt had first noticed the cloud of dust forming behind them.He decided not to worry the girl any more than was necessary and he kept the dust cloud to himself. There wasn’t much they could do at the time, except for watch to see what might happen.
She paid no heed to the dagger and when she did, she said very little about where she came by it. It seemed almost impossible to pry anything from her and it frustrated him. It didn’t help that she was suspicious of him and kept her guard up during all hours of the day and night. He admired this part of her but at the same time it irritated him, it made his business that much harder. The trip went by in silence with only a few words exchanged.
He noted that she was a very experienced rider, despite her unusual mount. He wondered where she came by such an expensive beast. There weren’t very many places an individual could come by one of those breeds and he knew she didn’t have access to any of them. If she did, then she would have recognized him within a heartbeat. Her mount had been one of the many reasons why he took particular interest in her. If someone else was breeding those sorts of mounts without his permission he wanted to know about it.
It had only been a few hours before the men causing the dust cloud caught up to them.When they were noticeable from a league out, he was caught by surprise when he noticed they bore the flag of Baron Alfredo. He ignored the questioning glance from Tessella when he swore, then said, “Damn, I hate this guy.”
Tessella looked back and saw them, they were almost upon them, and she asked, “Will they cause trouble?”
“Of course he will!” Rolt snapped, “He’s a little pompous rat of a Baron, so help me or I’ll kill him now. He inherited those traits from his good for nothing father. Thank the heavens he’s dead.”
“Halt there!” demanded a superior voice.
Rolt lowered his voice and said, “Let me handle this.”
He then innocently looked back at the man who appeared to be the leader. He was a man in his mid-thirties with blonde colored hair. He was lean, yet he surprisingly didn’t lack in muscles. He rode a large stallion that flared his nostrils in an arrogant way, while heaving large breaths. Apparently, he had been ridden hard. He had about a dozen men behind him, alert and waiting for their boss’s signal to skewer anyone in their path. They could be a bit of trouble, Rolt decided. “What could I do for you, good sir?”
“Who are you and what business do you have here?” the man asked. He didn’t seem to be convinced with Rolt’s innocent farmer act.
“I am Sven, son of Gradin, I come seeking to praise his mightiness King Tergin I on his great victory at ______. May a humble servant ask upon thy name, good sir?”
The man seemed pleased to hear Rolt claiming to be an admirer of the king. His face relaxed as he answered, “Baron Alfredo of ______, faithful follower of the good King Tergin. I am here, under orders of the king, to search everyone who crosses into my land. It seems that his Lordship has lost something of extreme value. May I inquire who travels with you?” he asked the question with an underlining somewhere along the lines of; I dare you to resist.
“She is my,” he hesitated, only for a half a second his face went slack with a look of sadness as his brows furrowed into a slight crease, then his face returned to its normal, unreadable state,“She’s my daughter.”
Tessella noticed his voice change; he looked as if he were in deep thought. She smiled; trying not to show her surprise that he had stood up for her. She didn’t know what to expect from him but she certainly didn’t expect that. From his reactions she had a feeling that he hadn’t planned on helping her either, “I’m Ariel, kind sir.”
The Baron dipped his head in a courteous gesture, “It is my pleasure to meet you. Now if you’d both open your packs and show us your belongings, we’d be happy to move on, that is, if you’re not carrying any stolen goods.”
“Of course,” Rolt said. He grabbed his worn pack from the back of his horse and passed it to the man. He instructed Tessella to do the same and she hesitatingly obeyed. “Excuse my curiosity, but what has the good King Tergin lost and you, his faithful follower, must retrieve?”
“It’s none of your concern, Sven, son of Gradin. I will advise you not to interfere with the king’s affairs. Although, he is a strong ruler, he isn’t the kindest of men. If I told you I’d have to arrest you and possible eliminate you.”
Tessella watched as the Baron passed her satchel to one of his men. He inspected her belongings indifferently, not caring whether they were being thrown to the ground or not.He hadn’t shown any amount of interest until he produced the dagger from her packs. Tessella noticed Rolt tense as the man inspected it. The man’s eyes widened, “Sir! I found something.”
Baron Alfredo spun around, expectant to see whatever the king was looking for; apparently the knife came to him as a much greater shock. His eyes widened and his body began to tremble, he barely managed to wheeze the words from his mouth as he addressed Rolt with dangerous eyes, “Where did you get that?”
Tessella figured it was her time to speak up. She ignored the look of warning from Rolt, “I found it.”
The Baron looked at her, distaste showing clearly on his face, “You ‘found’ it. One does not just find the most important weapon to all of the empire. Where did you find it?”
Despite his effort to conceal his face, Tessella noticed Rolt’s face grow pale. She decided that the truth would probably be the best way to go around this, “In an abandoned house,” she replied. It was half true; the house was partially abandoned when she got there.
Tessella noticed the Baron reined in his emotions and she could tell that a clever plan was forming in his mind, “Men, seize the girl and kill her father. They are traitors to the empire. They are infidels and liars. They are enemies to the king!”
Within a moment, Rolt had an arrow knocked to his bow and flying toward the first man. He knew that he couldn’t stand a chance against all of them. Tessella had already been dragged from her horse and knocked unconscious. He knew that he had to act fast and decide which he would save. He reprimanded himself that she wasn’t who he thought she was. She wasn’t worth jeopardizing his mission. He wouldn’t throw away the many lives of the people that were counting on his mission just for one girl. Besides, what good would it be for her if they both got caught; he shouldered his horse through, shooting the men who stood in his path. He forced the dagger from the Baron’s grasp and when he resisted Rolt punched him, staggering him enough to escape. Rolt urged his horse into a steady gallop; he bolted without looking back and fled.
Once separated, he didn’t worry about being able to lose the men ordered to hunt him down.He was the strongest alone when he could use his skilled talents and the undergrowth to his advantage. He nudged his horse, Arion, in the direction he wanted to go in as he twisted in his saddle and shot one of the men pursuing him. A stray guilty thought crossed his mind as he tried to forget that he had just left a woman to the wraith of the king. He knew the consequences she would get once the king found out it was she carrying the dagger. They wouldn’t go easy on her because she was a young woman; no they would see her as a traitor to the throne. A criminal. An outcast. He knew about that more than most.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I just want to let everyone know that her name is now Tauriel. I'll change it in a bit =)
Hey there *trumpets sounding* I’ve come to review!
Okay, so to start, I’m just going to jump right in to quotes. I’ll get around to feels and plots after.
Nitpick: This sentence tense is mismatched. It needs to be a “he’d” or better “he would” or “he could” because you are writing in the past tense. “he’ll” is future
Nitpick: Whenever you are addressing someone, you put commas around both ends of the name. Red needs to have a comma after it.
Since I cannot quote the entire conversation, I will say that it is a little confusing as to why Skinner and Red are still there. If the reader was more inside of Rolt’s head and hears his opinions (which do not have to be written like thought dialogue) then it may be more clear. Is this his true personality which he is using with these men or is he hiding something? If so, why? What makes this man different? What luggage does he carry with him? What has he learned in life and what is he applying that to? Or is he ignoring every instinct he has and going on a whim? What does he want? (you and I have spoken about this one too)
And that brings me to this:
Whenever writing a thought, you can keep it like this or you can put his words in italics (which is what I try and do) because it separates the dialogue of the man talking to himself.
Okay, so you have switched point of view here in this one sentence. You are writing from Rolt’s view so Rolt is looking at him and he sees that he appears to be pondering. I can see how you formulated this sentence, just ensure that it is another character looking at him.
Nitpick 1: I am not sure that you need the comma after most. You usually only need them after “then” and such. like “then, they walked further.” but I think you could do without it there.
Nitpick 2: You forgot a space after the period
You either pay heed to it or you don't, there is not both. If you said “little heed” it might work better. Also, just my personal preference, but instead of “came” you might want to use “had come” because it helps emphasize the past tense within all of the thoughts and talking, it just helps out the reader.
I love this- I love the frustration and feelings you have given Rolt. It helps so much and it gives me a clearer picture of him. Ahhh! Gorgeous! Both characters are being developed, one with a stubborn mentality for reasons realistic to all, the other with still unknown motives.
Again you’ve gone opposites. “she didn’t have access to any of them” and “if she did, then” They contradict, pick one and use it. Add a “seemed like” in there somewhere if you don’t want to rewrite anything.
Ahh! Another great character developer! Much better- bravo sir! *claps hands excitedly*
Nitpick (ish): flow. Okay, so great way to have him have a problem. It is a good complication, however, you cannot lead into the dialogue like that. Split it up, make it its own thing. “he swore” *enter, new paragraph for dialogue* “Damn, I hate this guy,” he said.”
If you are already describing Tessella and her actions then you will not need the “she asked.” Get rid of anything that is not useful to develop the story, the reader can presume on their own that it is her asking, you don’t need to tell us (there, at least)
I am a little confused why the “so help me” is in there because he isn’t threatening her, he is simply upset that they are being followed.
A little bit of redundancy here with voice being used a little too close together…
What I’m about to say is one of the best things I have ever heard (and I think I might have said something about this before). Don’t grocery list a character’s description. That means making a list like “black eyes, blonde hair, black horse, gleaming sword, mean surrounding, loud voice, proud stance.” No. Give me three max of slowly give them over time, never all in one place because you are wasting your words. The reader will always see the character the way they want to see them. If you give me a long description, almost undoubtedly, nothing with stick in my mind. I will get the first two and that will be it. In this case, I think he looks like Legolas from his long light hair, his leanness, and his stallion.
What innocent farmer act? Is that what Rolt had been gunning for? If so, tell me in his thoughts (but not direct dialogue to himself)
Hold up! Rolt was just being pursued by these men, then a voice called out from in front of them (or at least that’s where people usually are when they tell you to halt). What happened?
Nitpick 1: “He” after the dialogue needs to be capitalized since the dialogue ended with a question mark.
Nitpick 2: The “i dare you to resist” needs to be put into the sentence instead of the halfway dialogued thought. something like “he asked the question as a challenge, a dare for Rolt to resist. Should he resist? He could take this man, he could take several of them, but it was the girl who was his main concern.”
^^^^^ That would give more insight into Rolt. You don’t have to have things in thought dialogue all of the time. Show everything, don’t tell. Don’t tell the thoughts, show them.
Character development and telling problems here that I am going to nitpick, sorry not sorry.
To start: the fact that he is hesitating shows me that he is not a well thought out man. He did not have much of a plan until now and the fact that he wasn’t worried is a problem.
Secondly: you are telling me what his face looked like, I want to know what he is thinking. Are his thoughts gone, scattered, clamoring, solid and true. What? Show me what is going through him, not what others see in him- you can write that from someone else’s views, but for now you have chosen to write him and write him you will. You are him, so what are you doing and why
Stood up for her? He is saving his own skin. He cares nothing about her personally so far from what we have seen. The Baron isn’t going to take her life if something goes wrong, he would take Rolt’s.
Also, you are writing from Rolt’s perspective He does not know what she is thinking, he can only see the outside emotions that she shows and interpret from that. Does he hope that what she is thinking does not involve suddenly bolting and telling the guard everything, what?
Why is she talking to him? What does Rolt think of this? Does this help or hurt him?
Nitpick: Run on sentence here. You can split it after the “move on”
I thought that he was still mounted…
I think that the “and you, his faithful follower” should be a “that you, his faithful follower…”
Nitpick: no comma after the “although” here
Nitpick: You need a comma after the “If I told you”
Also, why is he using “eliminate”? Why does there need to be complete destruction of someone who learns of this info? Wouldn’t a simply hanging be enough?
Nope. Not allowed- you’re writing from Rolt’s POV.
Nitpick: missed space
Again- Not allowed- Rolt’s POV
Why is he spinning around? He’s facing them…
Make the semicolon a whole new sentence. And why is there an “apparently”? You are the writer, you tell me. Did it happen or not, don’t be slang about it either.
*singing motherly* Rolt’s perspective!
Awww! But I thought he was superior and awesome and bad a**
You have absolutely, positively, got to elaborate on this part. Was he not watching her, watching what would happen to this girl he has gone through so much trouble for. Trying to control what she does since she is his captive. What is he thinking? Feeling? Doing? WHY?
Several things here:
Nitpick 1: Start a new paragraph after the semi colon
Nitpick 2: He shoulders his horse through, but how does he reach the Baron? Does he just ride up beside him? Does he chase after him? How does he manage to get to the man’s hand which holds the dagger? What is the man doing to fight back? One does not simply ride through a pack of fighting men and force the hand of the Baron.
Nitpick 3: “staggering” I don’t believe is a word here. You can stagger, rocks can be staggered, but staggering someone else would be placing them somewhere. He can rock him, he can jar him, he can cause him enough pain so that he staggered back in a daze, but staggering him doesn't quite fit.
Nitpick 4: His decision to flee seems horrible. He has just gone through a lot of trouble to keep the girl and now he suddenly doesn't want her? If he always only wanted the dagger, he could have taken it himself long ago. But no, he decided to take her with him. He needs her for some reason and now he is fleeing. If he plans to come back for her then show us that through his thoughts.
Nitpick: missed space
Also, “the strongest” can be deleted to just “strongest”
And, what skilled talents? You haven’t given enough insight into his mind of his passed and training, motives, and skills.
Nitpick: flow. Perhaps if you said “he knew of the consequences that awaited her if the king found that she had possessed the most priceless item in the kingdom…”
Lastly- beautiful, wonderful ending!!! Just make it more epic. Split it up, enter lines to make the reader pause more.
One nitpick: the “no” after the semi colon needs a comma after it and one in between “a criminal.” Then you can enter a line for “an outcast” and enter another line for the last sentence.
Over all: Well done with plot (except for my note in there about the second to last paragraph). You have a nice story-line going that I am quite jealous of and can’t wait to read (and review) more! You have a few issues with switching between point of views in the middle of telling the story, but other than that it was on point. (pun intended lol)
My last note is that you need to develop your characters more with thoughts inside of them, give me their feelings and their senses based on their past and their way of life, not just what they are doing but on what is going on around them and how they perceive it. Does the knife peer back at her and beg her to pick it up or does she look at the knife and pick it up?
Imagery and senses, my dear fellow, will get you far
Honestly good job on the plot and everything! Can’t wait for the next- make sure you PM or something to let me know when you've posted it.
Happy Writing!
Once again you have overall the best reviews EVER. Thank you!
I kind of have a hard time showing.....every time I start writing I don't know where to start. Do you have any ideas?
I always start with a sound if I can't think of much else. One of the easiest way to "show" things is by... Well, I don't know how to say it exactly, and I'm typing on my phone, so I'll PM you more later... But you have to *ugh* I'm just going to give you an example: "he would have turned around, he could have easily done so anyhow, but no. Oh no, he was much too smart for that. To turn around and act surprised would be what they wanted. He heard the sound of metal sliding out of a sheath- a sword. If they followed through with whatever they were thinking, they might find themselves somewhere they didn't want to be. "You don't want to do that," the man said, leaning on the counter. His hands ached for his own sword which was far away from him, a mistake that should he should not have let happen.
Do you see the difference? It's a trickle of information instead of a shopping list of "he didn't like them standing behind him because his sword was in another room."
I will PM you more if you want tonight.
Okay, I think I'm getting the idea. More would be awesome =)
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Right, well hopefully I'll be able to do a better job on this chapter than the previous ones. So here goes.
Sorry, for cutting out so much. Here I just mainly see one problem.
1. There's a bit of redundancy. Three of the sentences start off with He and all of them give off a state of being. Such as what he was doing, where he was going, what he was going to do, and so on. Generally, you try to avoid that and give the state of being while doing the action. o maybe it would be best to actually go through the little part when he tells her that is going to stock up on supplies, than to just tell us. Since it's in the telling form right now, it kinda comes off as a little boring. As a rule, you should try to have it in the showing form for most of it. This is one circumstance where I think it might be best if you did that. Just something I thought I would mention.
Okay, I get this and I don't get this. How can his figure be silhouetted against the morning sunrise? I can completely understand if you said something along the lines of, "the morning sunrise cast his shadow on the ground", but not to where we're left with a description that doesn't technically make sense. xD Sorry, if that in itself didn't make sense.
I think the spot where you say he and his partner can be quite easily substituted for two men and then insert some description here, kinda thing. Giving a little bit of description of them right here would be a great idea. But he and his partner seems pretty dull, so maybe you could brush it up a bit and make it lively.
I've noticed this problem throughout this work, so I'll just use this as an example for now. Right here, you can see that you put the dialogue tag before the actual dialogue. Normally, that's okay. But here... you can't really tell! I mean, I was just sitting here trying to figure if it is a dialogue tag or an action, and I still can't actually make up my mind. Maybe have the dialogue tags after the dialogue, or have a period there instead? Your choice of course, but I think it would be best if you did.
Naah, this is just telling here. Run us through the action so that we can get a clear visual of it.
Ohh, make sure you get those spaces in.
Personal preference: It might sound better if you replace for with to.
I don't really like his manner of acting like a farmer here. He sounds waaay too sophisticated to be acting like a farmer. Thy? No, no. He would be talking rough, and in an uncertain manner. Farmers are generally not educated so if you want him to appear like he is acting properly for the part, then you need to present him in that fashion.
No semi-colon needed here. A comma would flow much smoother and look better as well.
This seems like a bit of a run on sentence, in my opinion. Frankly, there are too many commas and too many clauses. Why not make that is, if you're not carrying any stolen goods a new sentence entirely. That way the sentence isn't overly long and we don't have to run through so many commas all in one.
Hahahaha, one does not simply walk into Mordor... I soo totally got that image in my head. Hehe, I love this line. <3
I think you mean wrath, as a wraith is a spirit, usually. xD
Overall, I enjoyed this for mainly the pacing. Even though, I'm still slightly confused as to the plot and stuff (not to worry, as I generally am in the beginning of a book, bar none), I still could tell where everything was going for this circumstance and I had a fairly good image in my head. What I would mainly just like to see is more showing and a wee bit more detail on the setting. Grammar wise, you did really good, save for a spots. Just a few tweaks every now and then oughta do it.
Okay, that's all from for now. Hope this helps!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks so much! I'll take everything and cram it all in! Hopefully, I will be able to improve my mistakes =)