There were two men standing in the middle of a dark trail. They were both facing and staring at one another. The man on the right was a bulky and muscular looking man and on the left stood a short and stumpy man. If you looked at the two and thought a fight was going to happen, you would probably vote for the man on the right.
The men continued to glare at one another until the short and stumpy man pulled out his right hand and pointed at the man. The man on the right scoffed and said, "So that's how it's gonna' work?" He then proceeded to pull out both of his hands and snapped. Right when he had snapped, he had vanished into thin air. He appeared a second later behind the short and stumpy man.
"Too slow," said the short and stumpy man in a deep and growling voice. He then proceeded to spin around and made a gun-like hand symbol and made a shooting movement at the bulky man, and a gunshot echoed but again the man was nowhere to be seen. He had teleported again, and was now towards the back of the short man.
"Not really," said the bulky man happily and then said, "dragon!" The dark trail was now illuminated with light as a beast that looked like a dragon, but made of fire, started to come out of the man's finger. The stumpy man looked around and tried to teleport but failed. He looked at the bulky man with a expression of mild suprise.
The short man then said, "Armor," By the time he had finished saying it, the dragon had appeared and lunged straight at the short man. The dragon then swallowed the man whole and dissapeared into the ground. When the dragon had gone, the short man was standing there looking perfectly fine. "Not even your best move could beat me, pity," he said in a sarcastic voice. "Let me show you true power, Elex!" exclaimed the short man.
Elex looked terrified. He then tried to sprint from the man, but the man was too fast. He made the gunshot movement with his hand, and Elex's body fell to the ground with a thud. Elex was still alive though, but was on the verge of death. He said in a weak and quivering voice, "I... wasn't good enough... for you, Pon," and then Elex's eyes drooped and he was dead.
Pon stood up and cleaned off his robes which were extremely burned. He then turned the opposite direction and walked away. Pon had killed Elex, and now his work was done.
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140,690 Literary Works • 673,595 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this is always a fun way to start a story. I do love a good fight scene to be their on the first chapter, and well, as long as the fight scene flows well and doesn't seem to be too bad, I generally end up wanting to read on, but well, more details on how this one measures up down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, okay, interesting way to start off a story, introducing the folks there by talking about who would win in a fight...or at least who likes they would win in a fight. I have a feeling that means that perhaps this story is about to get started off with some sort of fight scene and well I always like a start like that.
Oooh, for a second that was a gun of some sort but then it became some sort of teleportation of some kind and ahh, this fight scene just became ten times better if magic or superpowers or something along those lines is going to be making an appearance in this fight.
Oh whoa, guns are involved, but not the way I thought they would be, well, this is certainly a bit more of a modern style of using magic to fight, that is potentially one of the first times I've ever seen an actual gunshot being used as a weapon in a fight where there appears to be some sort of magic involved.
Okay, well that is certainly an interesting magic system, not too often you see spoken spells being used, but the language turning out to be english...well, at any rate, the description of this dragon spell is pretty cool so far. It looks like some seriously dangerous spells are being thrown around here.
Okay...that was a pretty decent little surprise twist there in the middle of that fight, definitely showcasing some pretty decent magic in action. This doesn't appear to be the fastest of fight scenes, the whole thing has a rather slow pace to it with only one spell seeming to be cast at a time, so that kinda dials down the intensity of the fight somewhat...but...well, its not bad, it just that it doesn't come off quite as intense as it could be.
Okay....well I had a feeling the chapter would end that way, the way the description introduced these two at the start indicated that perhaps the shorter man would be winning a fight today. Did not expect things to escalate far enough to be straight up death there....soo well that was a surprise, but certainly a pretty neat conclusion to the fight, sort of showcasing his ability to use that power earlier and then finishing it off with that move. So, despite the slight slow paced of things, and that could just be the way that magic works in this world...xD, this was a pretty decent fight, it had a relatively good flow to it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, not a bad fight scene, a bit two slow paced for my tastes, especially for something involving magic, you generally tend to want to see a bit more things happening in one of these rather than what we've got going on here. At any rate, it is a pretty neat first chapter, I think I would probably continue reading after seeing this.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi,
what a great fantasy you got in here. Although, I hardly do any fantasy, but I still love fantasy.
Well, fantasy is a part of you imagination and imagination is better than knowledge but imagination needs knowledge. (I don't know why I typed this stuff..XD)
My heart said that you lacked plot...but this was the first chapter, right? It got a lot more room to improve! This piece has potential as the first reviewer said:
On with my review!
(I highlighted what I found wrong with red color.)
The first paragraph was quite interesting! Just reminding you that:
[list]
[*]You could replace 'in' with 'on'. I think 'on' suits more than 'in'.
[*]Were the narrator talked to us! Amazing! However, be careful with that sentence, it could cause confusion. Try revising and adding something that could make it vivid because it seemed really plain and monotone.
This seemed a little boring for me.
[list]
[*]It seemed like you just repeated some words all over again. Try using different words.
[*]Try using the man's personality as his adjective. Such as, 'The bulky man' instead of 'the man on the right'. Why? Just say that it would confuse others.
[*]Well, 'vanished into thin air?' Were you trying a hyperbole?? If so, good, but try to think logic; rational and maybe change it into 'vanished into thick air.'
[list]
[*]Yet, try using only AN adjective to describe the man. It made the sentence unnecessary long. You were only wasting your precious time.
[*]Try to delete the 'and' and replace it with a comma or even a semicolon(;).
[*]Try revising the last sentence. I think adding 'going' after 'now' would be correct.
Try to revise more and more and more and more!
This work would be great if you do so,
I'm looking forward to the next parts, so I hope this helped!
~Nicol
P/s: Like the previous review stated: try to make another title that matched the story!
Hey! runawaylove here to review your work.
First off, a warm warm welcome to YWS! This is a great community for writers where you can learn and improve your writing skills. You should totally visit the forums where you will get to know more about this awesome site and get answers to your queries.
This piece has potential but it needs a little polishing. The title could be more innovative as it is the first thing that attracts a reader to read the story. You could name it something more interesting and catchy. In the first and second para, to be honest, throughout the whole piece the words "man/men" come too often and it makes the writing clumsy and disoriented. Maybe you should try naming the men rather than calling them by their descriptions. There were a little too many paras. Some of them could be merged together.
"The man on the right was a bulky and muscular looking man and on the left stood a short and stumpy man."
This should probably be rephrased to make it sound better:
"The man on the right was bulky and muscular while the one that stood on the left was short and stumpy."
"Right when he had snapped, he had vanished into thin air."
Rather than repeating the words "right when he snapped," you could replace it with the phrase "right at that moment."
"He then tried to sprint from the man, but the man was too fast."
The same mistake is repeated here. The second "the man" should be replaced by "he" to make the sentence sound better and not repetitive. The problem here is, after using a noun in a sentence, it should be replaced by a pronoun when referring to the same subject later in the sentence or in the next sentence.
Okay, so now, the more positive points. I repeat that this piece has potential and with a little brush up can be improved into a better one. The names used "Elex" and "Pon" were unusual and I quite liked them. The use of adjectives throughout the story was good. Before moving on to writing the next chapter, maybe you should revise this one once more. I would be glad to review if you do publish the next chapters. Please post me on my wall with a link if you write and publish chapter 2. I hope this review helped. If you have any questions you can totally ask me. Keep writing!
thanks!
@runawaylove
have you figure out to how use the quote thing? Type what you what want inside of this: [quote*]Type here[/quote*]
Oh thank you! @NicolMemo