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I loved it.

Hey there Finchley,

I like this, the flow was fantastic as I read it and I liked the meaning in there.

I would completely get rid of the bracketed parts. They're not adding anything to your poem and in some places they even detract from the entire flow. Your repetition is okay when used sparsely, but I would delete the extra "I'm free" lines and re-arrenge the "I've" parts. They're overkill.

I also dislike your last two/three stanza's, I think you lose the flow and touching voice you had in the earlier sections. Your last stanza doesn't hit as hard as it should. We should be left with wanting to read it again, with a rememberance of the poem, but this doesn't do it.

I suggest the above, with some re-wording and editing this could be really very good. Luck with it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Adnamarine wrote:*takes a long, deep breath* Wow. This was beautiful. It was very powerful, and sucked me in. For some reason, I normally avoid the longer poetry pieces, and I looked at this and went 'maybe later'. But I read the first few lines and then I couldn't stop.
I loved your interspersed lines of 'guess what'.

Finchley wrote:only barely half-unfurled.

This line lacked flow for me, and it seemed a little... redundant.

I agree with the other two about the capitalization, at least of the one-liners.
And I didn't get the grey white dove either. It seemed like a random obscure symbolism where you didn't have a lot of things like that before, and didn't explain this one.

I don't know why, but for some reason when I read this it sounded like it came from the perspective of a guy, and when you said 'king' I was really confused at first. Not that you need to change anything there, just something I noticed.

Again, this was absolutely beautiful.

Always, keep writing.


*adna*

while I truly do value your suggestions, I don't appreciate being talked down to, or my work being treated like the way it is. I'm sorry to get snotty, but some of the comments I've seen on this or my other pieces have been downright wounding. I'll give this site one more week, and then I'm leaving.

Yours truly,
melle finchley

MMMM.... I think this might be lyrics, no? I'll still crit it as poetry though.
I've bolded all the parts that are terrible, underlined the parts that are bad, and italicized the parts that are good--then attributed reasons in the end.

It’s three in the AM
(in the morning), dear
and all the world is dead
but I’ve got nothing more
than our conversations
half-running through my head.
I wish someday
they’d plug me in
and I’d finally fall to sleep
but until that day, it’s these silences
I’ll be working hard to keep

tell me there’s something more to this
tell me about the door
I know there’s a latch in the dark, someplace
and I know there’s a crack in the floor...

but guess what?

there’s light at the window
(here’s the morning) dear
and I’m scared to face the world,
.....................................

These ones are just stupid ways to add more words and "style". They're phony, unneeded phrases that detract from this poem, making it unreadable and long and painful and annoying. Please, refrain from just adding words that "sound good"--this entire poem could have been consized into a five line poem without these.

These ones are sinply cliche, no explanation necessary.

And these ones are good. They show your style, which is growing--and they also make it more fun for the reader.

*takes a long, deep breath* Wow. This was beautiful. It was very powerful, and sucked me in. For some reason, I normally avoid the longer poetry pieces, and I looked at this and went 'maybe later'. But I read the first few lines and then I couldn't stop.
I loved your interspersed lines of 'guess what'.

Finchley wrote:only barely half-unfurled.

I loved this too, and I agree about the capitalizations.

I didn't really get why there's a grey white dove though. Does it symbolize something specific? Monogamy? Freedom? Purity? All of the above?

The last stanza didn't really flow for me, but I liked it anyway.

And I hope someday
they’ll keep me here
and I’ll find a place to be
but until that moment, I lay here and wish
you’ll come to visit me.

Wow. I really liked this. Something about it pulled me in. My only critique would be to capitalize a little bit more. Not every line, but maybe the beginning of each stanza or at least the one-liners.

I really love the first and the third main stanzas. Lovely! I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work. And welcome to the YWS!

~Yoyo