Published January 14, 2011
A short, old poem on the beauty industry's influence on society. If someone could offer me a little constructive criticism, I would be much obliged.
Oh pretty rose
How you prod me so
I grasp your stem and I bleed
This is standard of all things beautiful
Evils appearance is how it deceives
I approached you ever so carefully
Still oblivious to the threat that you posed
And when my hand reached your shaft
I threw caution to the wind
And brought the crown of your bud to my nose
Asphyxiating, with my hand stained deep crimson
My vision has begun to blur
The dark bloom rising, the green filling in
Eyes dulling, ears buzzing a loud whir
The black truth do I see in death
All senses now of no avail
The sinister beauties use their whims and their wiles
To over us, always prevail
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This is really cool--I enjoyed it a lot. Vocabulary is good, but I think you mean "Evil's" instead of "Evils" in line 5.
I think if you added punctuation it would add more...what's the word...structure? No, no...let's just say adding punctuation would give it some more "Umph" if that makes any sense...but anyway, yeah. Wonderful job with this! Keep writing!
Many thanks to you for your compliments, but it was a brief moment of lucidity at best. And it should not be wasted. I'm trying to enlighten people to what idealized beauty has done to us! Its not just the odd tragedy that occurred on the premise of looks. Its the many ballerinas who lost their lives to obsession over her appearance! Its the ostracized child, shunned for his differences or aesthetic defects, driven to suicide or murder! Its the plethora of those who accord to this social order of futility! Every single person who early in life was made to feel inferior by the marketing ploys of cosmetology businesses now strives to maintain the qualities considered desirable by the smug, hubris men and women who assumed the position to judge, or has sought some alternative! And for no other reason then affirmation!The people that market cosmetics for capitol gain should be strung up by their throats or split down the middle.
Your talent is very apparent in this poem! keep writing! It is great!