Young Writers Society

Here I am for my first review!

So on top of what others have said about showing the characters emotions - like cold amusement - rather than telling us about them, I think you really need to focus on what you want our response to them to be. I know you told Rydia we're not supposed to like them, and that's fine.

But right now my feeling is not so much "I dislike them" as "I don't care enough to feel one way or another about them."

Additionally, I'm honestly not sure at this point I'm actually supposed to dislike them. They don't seem to feel any particular way themselves - Phyrza mentions feeling "cold amusement," but it's just a touch and it's mentioned instead of shown in any way, and then later on s/he mentions how they're not feeling (sad, resigned), but I don't know how they are feeling. If they're stoic, okay, I guess, but I don't actually see them doing anything cruel right now except that they're watching the world end (apparently) and don't seem to care. But even there, it doesn't feel that cruel, probably because it's just a barren wasteland and there's no mention or thought of people who once lived there dying or getting hurt or losing their homes or anything else.

I do enjoy the dialogue between them anyway, particularly because of the "my old friend/my ancient enemy" parts, which is interesting. Your description is also beautiful and a great step toward world-building! But it's hard for me to feel invested at this point because I don't care one way or the other about the characters you've introduced.

Hey there Feltrix,

MJ here for a brief review for Review Day! I hope to provide you with a to-the-point but helpful review to get some more points on the board. Again, I'm hoping to review a lot of your works/chapters here. With that said, here is my review:

I really enjoyed the vivid descriptions of how dreadful and doomful the world is. Your descriptions of the inferno and how bright the sky was moments before the world ended really was helpful to understanding the impending doom. You organized the story well and gave the reader enough information to be able to understand what was going on but not an overwhelming amount. So great job!

Now for some specific improvements:

I find the last section interesting. Instead of having the MC ask Phryzza, I think that the MC should make some sort of statement about that. Also, are there two characters present there? We hear the, referred to as 'either' and 'neither', which seems to imply that there were two, but three names were mentioned. The character POV was also a little confusing and hard to follow, so it might take the reader a reread or two for the reader to understand.

Also, be sure that you show rather than tell. Although some passages of eloquent description, it is much more convincing to show the reader what you want to express. You did a good job overall, but it is a good idea to just make sure you're always aware of that.

I also feel that there would be a bit more emotion in all the characters. Even though they are more stoic and impassive, there should be some reaction. Since they've been around, i feel like there could be a few brief memories mentioned. There are some hints of emotion, but it's not really enough to be fully convincing.

Overall, your strongest points here were the plot setup and the description of the incineration. You had a lot of creative words for fire . That was varied and expressed your idea well. But you could improve the character's interaction and make them a little more concrete. Once the characters introduced here are cemented in the reader's mind, it will open up more possibilities for the upcoming chapter.

Best wishes,
MJ

Also just a question, what order should I read your chapters?

Hi! I thought I'd drop by and do my first review as promised

Specifics

1.

The setting sun shot a blazing path through the barren plains, bathing it in a bloody light.

Once this had been an ocean.

“And so it ends,” I said, a hint of cold amusement touching my voice. I watched a touch of ash float gently through the air before landing on my alabaster robes.

I love this prologue! It's beautiful, especially the imagery at the beginning, and the characters are fascinating and enigmatic. I love the descriptions, and the character's reflecting on the ages that have passed as they watched.

Probably my biggest complaint is some POV confusion early on. Particularly here:

Two hooded figures, one in bone white, the other bloodred, stood silhouetted on a rocky cliff the flames hadn’t reached yet and watching the scene unfold.

Jimss here

First off, welcome to YWS. I'm new here as well so I hope that my comments can be of some help.

Small disclaimer. I'm not good at gauging how my comments will irritate, annoy, or even hurt the people they are intended for. But I always try to be honest with my reviews, no matter what. So let's do this.

1) "Once this had been an ocean, we would have been buried under over one thousand feet of water." Cut everything after "once this had been an ocean." It flows better with the flow of the paragraph and this sentence confused me anyway.

2) What happened to the bone white character? He's not mentioned again. If you don't intend to have him say or do anything in this scene, cut him. He just adds stuff to confuse the reader.

3) Name dropping. Never drop a name in narration during a prologue. Always find a way to introduce tastefully, preferably through dialogue. A random name added out of the blue is horribly confusing.

4)"but his words carried across worlds."
What worlds. Where. It seems to me this is just one world. Just saying. Make sure it fits the context.

5) "It isn’t beginning. It’s changing" Don't use contractions here. For some reason, they make the meaning harder to understand. "Is is not beginning" and "It is changing" just seem to work better. Just a personal preference.

6) Be careful about word pairings that don't fit together.
"An icy smile brushed his face" "cold amusement touching my voice."
Ice and cold can have a connotation of lack of emotions. Cold amusement is hard to picture. I can't imagine an icy smile "brushing" across a face. I would advise something like "his face cracked an icy smile." cracked goes much better with icy than brushed. In my opinion.

Now that I've tried to pull apart your work like a Turkey on Thanksgiving, some Final thoughts.

Good start. Absorbing stuff. I need a little more before if it is a strong story overall, but the set up here is excellent, and you have a good starting point. Prologues are hard. How much to give away, how much to leave a mystery. It's something all us authors struggle with, and I think you do a good job regarding balance.

Keep up the good work and keep me updated if you want any more of my reviews (I wouldn't blame you if you didn't).

Best wishes from the neighborhood jacka**,

Jimss