Hi, sorry it's been a while but finally back to look at the next chapter!
Specifics
1.
This is phrased a little awkwardly - I think it's because I can't decide if it should be 'were bars' rather than was bars. Maybe re-word to: 'When I woke up, I was in a portable prison cell. The windows were thin slits in the wall - not barred but equally impossible to escape through.' This is also a less passive way of describing the room because it starts be describing what is there, rather than what is not.When I woke up, I was in a portable prison cell. The only thing that was missing was bars on the windows, which didn’t matter because they were far too thin to escape through.
2. What else tells her this is a prison cell? How does she know it's not just a carriage, especially if someone else is sat in it with her. Normally the jailer sits outside the cell.
3. Rather than saying she can tell the soldier is wounded on the right hip, maybe describe what tells her this. Is he favouring his left foot and therefore she assumes an injury somewhere on the right side? Why the hip in particular? It has no contact with the ground so it feels too specific without further explanation.
4. Alsari's anger feels like it comes out of nowhere. She has been quietly compliant, if a little wary, until now. I think you need to make her anger more obvious earlier in the scene - anger at being held captive, at being talked down to. Her actions at the moment feel mean hearted/ like she does it just because she can and that doesn't make her likable. Instead, perhaps this should be in reaction to feeling chained in and wanting to get away, rather than as a way of showing off.
5.
How does a stone floor cushion one's fall? Stone floors hurt!I fell on a stone floor, which cushioned my fall. I was in a prison cell.
Overall
The action and magic in this scene are fun and you have a very smooth way of describing it, but I'm not sure I feel very connected to either of the characters. Alsari comes across as prideful/ showing off at the beginning and she doesn't seem to give the other characters much of a chance to show her more trust/ respect before she attacks them.
Along similar lines, Eira has kidnapped this child and yet she acts aloof and bored instead of making any attempt to gain her trust or to convince her the measure are there because they know she is strong and likely to be afraid.
The part of this scene which makes the least sense is the guards. Their presence here is of no help and it feels like you've included them only so Alsari can show us how strong she is. An academy which trains people in the ways of magic would have no use for non magic guards with so little skill. They would either be trained to counter magic and wear armour which it can have no effect on or they would have abilities themselves. That piece of world building made this chapter very unbelievable for me and created doubt that this is a powerful school.
I hope that helps a little!
~Heather
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