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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Alsari 8 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


When I woke up, I was in a portable prison cell. The only thing that was missing was bars on the windows, which didn’t matter because they were far too thin to escape through.

Across from me sat a pale woman with dark hair and pale blue robes. “Good. You’re awake. We’ll be arriving shortly,” she said in a clipped, formal tone.

“Arriving where?” If I was a prisoner, what did that make her? She could be another prisoner, picked up along the way, but I doubted that. More likely she was a an enforcer, one of the people involved in my capture.

“The Eternian Academy,” she said. “You’re Alsari the Stoneshaper, yes?”

“Why? Who are you?”

“It would be unfortunate if we recruited the wrong person,” the woman said. “My name is Eira. And I won’t answer any more of your questions, which I’m sure you have, unless you answer mine.”

“You’re right,” I admitted. “How did you know?”

“We monitor everything,” Eira said. “Nothing goes on in this city that we don’t know about.”

“So how do you know my name?” I asked. I was pretty sure I hadn’t said it on this world, but I was actually grateful for the woman’s presence. She helped take my mind off of the events that had caused me to come to Archora, even if her answers were vague and suspicious.

“We know everything,” she said, staring out the window. She was bored.

I dismissed Eira’s statement as absurdity, but the more I considered it, the more it bothered me. How did she know my name? “Who is we?”

“The Academy,” Eira said with a look akin to satisfaction.

“An Academy with files on everyone?”

“The Eternian Academy isn’t just any school,” she replied. “We train mages.” She paused importantly, but I waited for her to continue. “I know what you are, Stoneshaper. And I can assure you, you should be impressed.”

The carriage stopped with a thump. Eira tossed me a blindfold. “You’ll need to put that on,” she drawled. Of course. Couldn’t let the prisoner see where she was.

I smiled obligingly, and did as I was told. The feeling was something like nails on a chalkboard.

Eira held onto my shoulders, guiding me out of the carriage. Once my foot touched the ground, the blindfold hardly mattered. My magic came from the earth and stones. Since the road was paved with cobblestones, I could tell there were twenty soldiers fanned out in a semicircle around me. I could also feel that the second one to my left was tapping his foot, that the one directly in front of me had been wounded on his right hip, and there was a caterpillar making slow progress across the road one hundred feet away.

The Eternian Academy’s only safety precaution is a blindfold? They really have no idea who they’re dealing with, I thought. The anger that had seized me when I killed the thief was returning. It left a bitter taste in my mouth, but filled me with cold resolve.

The soldiers’ armor made them easy targets; all it took was a thought to send them flying through the air. I heard a few surprised cries as they were thrown back.

I reached up, ripping my blindfold off. I squinted at the sudden glare and dropped to my knees. I willed the cobblestones to become liquid, and plunged my hand into it. The stone coalesced into a sword in my hand, which I pulled from the ground.

A few of the soldiers were starting to rise to their feet, but I had a bigger problem. Eira was standing back at the carriage, electricity flickering along her body.

“Surrender, Stoneshaper. This is a fight you can’t win,” she said, but for the first time since meeting her, I had all of her attention. I noticed that her lips twisted into a slight smile, contradicting what she said.

I didn’t dignify that with a response.

“We’re not your enemies,” Eira said.

“You knocked me out, captured me, blindfolded me, and held me at crossbow point,” I snarled. “That qualifies you as my enemy.”

“Those were precautions. And not unfounded ones, it seems.”

“I’m leaving,” I said, bitterness touching my voice. I’d come to Archora to hide from everything, yet I was getting tangled up in things I didn’t want to be. “Get out of my way.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that,” said Eira.

The cobblestones melded into a spear at the same moment electricity launched itself from Eira’s fingers towards me. Lightning slammed into me, and sent me skidding back. I felt the force of the strike more than pain, like a punch. My spear was frozen less than an inch from Eira’s throat; it’s progress halted when I’d been hit.

Soldiers began to move closer, crossbows trained on me. I stayed frozen where I was, but willed the soldiers’ armor to tighten ever so slightly. Soon all twenty were writhing on the ground trying to get out of their suffocating armor. It wouldn’t kill them, I wouldn’t tighten it that much, but it was enough to stop them from getting in my way.

“Well, that’s disappointing,” Eira sighed. This wasn’t the response I’d expected. Maybe she didn’t care about what happened to the guards, maybe they were expendable to her, but she didn’t seem worried. She was resigned, and her disappointment seemed genuine. Was it possible that she was telling the truth when she said that she didn’t consider me her enemy?

Before I could continue to ponder this, the cobblestones beneath me dissolved, but this time I wasn’t the one liquefying it. Caught be surprise, I plummeted through the ground beneath me. I fell on a stone floor, which cushioned my fall. I was in a prison cell.


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Wed Jun 07, 2017 10:13 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi, sorry it's been a while but finally back to look at the next chapter!

Specifics

1.

When I woke up, I was in a portable prison cell. The only thing that was missing was bars on the windows, which didn’t matter because they were far too thin to escape through.
This is phrased a little awkwardly - I think it's because I can't decide if it should be 'were bars' rather than was bars. Maybe re-word to: 'When I woke up, I was in a portable prison cell. The windows were thin slits in the wall - not barred but equally impossible to escape through.' This is also a less passive way of describing the room because it starts be describing what is there, rather than what is not.

2. What else tells her this is a prison cell? How does she know it's not just a carriage, especially if someone else is sat in it with her. Normally the jailer sits outside the cell.

3. Rather than saying she can tell the soldier is wounded on the right hip, maybe describe what tells her this. Is he favouring his left foot and therefore she assumes an injury somewhere on the right side? Why the hip in particular? It has no contact with the ground so it feels too specific without further explanation.

4. Alsari's anger feels like it comes out of nowhere. She has been quietly compliant, if a little wary, until now. I think you need to make her anger more obvious earlier in the scene - anger at being held captive, at being talked down to. Her actions at the moment feel mean hearted/ like she does it just because she can and that doesn't make her likable. Instead, perhaps this should be in reaction to feeling chained in and wanting to get away, rather than as a way of showing off.

5.
I fell on a stone floor, which cushioned my fall. I was in a prison cell.
How does a stone floor cushion one's fall? Stone floors hurt!

Overall

The action and magic in this scene are fun and you have a very smooth way of describing it, but I'm not sure I feel very connected to either of the characters. Alsari comes across as prideful/ showing off at the beginning and she doesn't seem to give the other characters much of a chance to show her more trust/ respect before she attacks them.

Along similar lines, Eira has kidnapped this child and yet she acts aloof and bored instead of making any attempt to gain her trust or to convince her the measure are there because they know she is strong and likely to be afraid.

The part of this scene which makes the least sense is the guards. Their presence here is of no help and it feels like you've included them only so Alsari can show us how strong she is. An academy which trains people in the ways of magic would have no use for non magic guards with so little skill. They would either be trained to counter magic and wear armour which it can have no effect on or they would have abilities themselves. That piece of world building made this chapter very unbelievable for me and created doubt that this is a powerful school.

I hope that helps a little!

~Heather




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Tue May 02, 2017 8:37 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Feltrix! It's MJ, continuing on my reading spree! Here I am with yet another review, so let's get right into it! As you have probably noticed by now, I dislike long intros. I'm here to review, not to spend ten paragraphs introducing myself and giving out disclaimers.

So the first thing I noticed when I was reading the first couple of lines is that it had a lot of stretches. Alsari immediately assumed that since someone had been able to heal her, that involved magic. That's a reasonable assumption, but assuming that that means everyone she meets will be able to work magic is a bit of a stretch. That also came up in the third paragraph as well, so just be mindful of that.

Another thing I wanted to point out was during the dialogue, we don't see a whole lot of Alsari's reaction, which I think would be good to see. Even at this point in the story, we don't know a whole lot about Alsari and it would be better to show as much of her character as possible. One section in particular where I would like to see what Alsari thought was after Eira says,

“Nothing goes on in this city that we don’t know about.”
I would like to see if Alsari is a little bit disturbed, curious, if she presses the issue, etc.

A quick clarification:

I could also feel that the second one to my left was tapping his foot

Is Alsari using magical powers here? Has she specially trained her senses to perceive things normal humans wouldn't be able to tell? Does she have other magical powers that haven't been described yet?

A grammar nitpick:

which gained the consistency of water.
Maybe it's personal opinion, but I don't really like the word 'gained' here. It doesn't feel like it fits, and I think that the idea you're trying to convey would be expressed better if you said something like, 'which melted to about the consistency of water,' or 'which immediately became a liquid'.

And some other plot points:

Eira the electromancer.
I know that electromancer refers to someone with a specific type of electrical power, as has been described with Eira before, but it seems a little early and sudden to bring that more advanced terminology in. Maybe explain it a bit, or leave it out of this section to introduce later?

“Well, that’s disappointing,” Eira sighed.

I feel like Eira would have a bit more of a reaction. She sounds resigned, which makes a little bit of sense since she clearly doesn't regard the guards as valuable, but shouldn't that spark a little more anger, or at least a stronger reaction? Maybe she's awed, impressed, angry? Letting the reader feel that through a powerful and moving description (and I know you're capable of doing that) will really help said reader get a feel for Eira's character and also the effect that Alsari's powers have on everyone else around her.

Sorry this review was a little awkward. I didn't really want to do bullet points or numbers here, so I just kinda mentioned what part of the story I was mentioning and then dropped them all. I've been struck with a small bout of uninspiration, so all the reviews I do for the next few hours or few days might have this same boring and awkward feeling.

Overall, this was a good plot piece. I loved the scene where Alsari is fighting against the guards and is able to take them out. But I didn't really fall in love with the characters like I thought I would. Alsari's character wasn't exactly endearing. She seemed very bitter and spoiled, which wasn't very attractive. Maybe if you took a little of that I-get-what-I-want-when-I-want-it attitude and toned it back to something more like I-can-do-what-I-want-because-I'm-a-mage. That seems more like the smart and sassy character I think you intended, but she came off a little too strong there. Eira felt a little bland, and I didn't' get a strong reading of her any way. She seemed a little too average, and nothing really stood out about her. She didn't get very angry or flustered, and had little reaction. To be perfectly honest, reading about her was a little boring. So maybe a slight character tweak to her as well?

And as another note, sorry my reviews have been pretty ruthless before. I know that some of what I say in my reviews can sound super mean and hurtful, but I'm not reviewing you. In fact, I think you're an incredible writer. I'm trying to point out whatever minor flaws I can so you'll blow right past 'a pretty impressive writer' and to 'outstanding teen writer'.

Best wishes,
MJ




Feltrix says...


I haven't been hurt by any of your reviews, partly because you've continued to stick with it. That's possibly the biggest complement you could give me. The same goes for @PrincessInk. I suppose praising my writing skills doesn't hurt, either, but I'm honestly flattered.



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Mon Apr 24, 2017 2:12 am
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Feltrix says...



Again, replying wonkiness. So, @Lumi, I'm going to rewrite all of Alsari's chapters, because she's not really that snarky. That's all a front. She's mostly angry, lonely, and depressed because spoilers. Thus, rewriting.

On the narration rotation, I didn't want the characters to know each other before the story began, which, sadly, makes for slow storytelling. In the last few chapters, though, Thørn and Alsari have met, essentially fusing their story, and Corso and Nyx will meet in the chapter I'm writing. Later, my four protagonists will all meet up, and by then the story will be progressing much faster.




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Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:53 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...



I like the idea that "Well, that's disappointing," was a trigger phrase for a stoneshaper to drop the hatch on Alsari. I shouldn't have, but I laughed.

There's quite a bit of info-dumping going on in this installment, all in the dialogue, which is the exact opposite issue I had reading the Nyx installment with the Harbinger! So downtime and uptime need to be sort of reined in to get a nice equilibrium of pace and lore building to keep the reader interested. A game of twenty questions? Nooooot so much. Plus, the answers were rather vanilla, which Alsari even remarked on. I'm unsure about the sequence of memory she described as being blindfolded and THEN having crossbows aimed at her--as in how she would know that final fact--but I do like the sass level going on.

Maybe that's something you could bake more into her characterization, since she seems a tiny bit bland at the moment. I'm interested in knowing how you envision her, personality-wise, and if I'm reading her incorrectly. Because of the four main characters thus far, she's definitely seemed the snarkiest (other than Corso's sister, but HAHA SIDE CHARACTER.)

All in all it was an enjoyable read, but with all the action packed at the end (which I did appreciate with her plan of escape by metalbending the guards' armor to paralyze them) and the rising action of this particular chapter being a one-on-one conversation, it was a bit of a lull, but in the context of the novel, that could be a very welcome thing.

I am interested in one final thing: What led you to the decision to alternate each chapter between the four perspectives loyally? Why no two-parters, as it were?

I hope these notes help,
Ty




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Mon Mar 06, 2017 4:45 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello, I'm moving along to read your eighth chapter. I can start to feel the world starting to connect. I wonder if Nyx is a mage too.

I have one problem here: I feel as if Alsari is a lot like Nyx. Both are extremely confident in their magic, bold, strong, and reckless. I would have liked Alsari to be a little more different.

My walls flew up. “Why? Who are you?”


I'm not sure what you mean by this. Who caused the walls to fly up?

“I’m leaving,” I said, walking up to the electromancer. “Get out of my way.”


I know that it was Eira who was the electromancer, but I think it could be a bit clearer.

The end of the chapter wasn't particularly great either. I feel as if your chapter endings frequently include fainting people.

But overall, this chapter was a great way to introduce the types of magic and I'm excited to read on! Hope this review wasn't too harsh and have a great day!

Princess Ink




Feltrix says...


You do have an excellent point on the fainting thing. I should probably figure that out.




Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)