Family

I love my family and I like this poem, even though it was a little corny to me. Welcome to YWS and I hope to read some of your other works! See you.

Love is part of family and we move on
We need their love to feel strong

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This part, the first and second line don't rhyme or flow very well.
The rest of the poem rhyme's but this, i don't feel like it does.


Without family, it's like a nightmare
And you think life isn't fair
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Maybe you could put,
And you think life just isn't fair.
I think it flows better, cause as is, it's barley rhyming and like above,
the rest of your poem rhyme's so this part has too also.


Also the first line doesn't really work for me, i mean it sounds like your talking to your teenage friend or something?
What i mean is it's not really something you'd use in a poem
"to me and all" isn't poetic. lol

My family is special to me and all (bad opening line, unoriginal)
When we trip, our family lift us from our fall ( when is repeated too much in this stanza)
When we cry, they are always there
When we complain, only they would care (Overall little change...doesn't come off as original)

Love is part of family and we move on ("we move on' is unfinished it seems)
We need their love to feel strong
It's a gift from God Himself
Family is there when we need their help

Without family, it's like a nightmare
And you think life isn't fair
Other people aren't so lucky
They wish for a family to be happy

But for those with families, thank God
They are from heaven above
So thank God you have a family
Because with them you'll live happliy (Happily)

Okay, this poem was nothing too special in originality, but the first stanza is the one that effectively took me out of liking the thing as a whole. The repeated When we...this lines is not exactly working for you. Perhaps if you put them in the other stanzas it would work better. Right now, all I see is no emotion, but a moral message. Something which doesn't fit when you are on the subject of family. Emotions are best expressed through simple lines, but you have none of those and they are indirect. Making it seem emotionless.

I liked the message of the poem. It is very nice.

But I thing the rhyming doesn't really go with the poem. Advice: Don't push the rhyming in your poems. It's okay if it's not rhyming at all.

The flow of the poem is a bit choppy.

I like the theme and concept of the poem too.