The run and go

I snuck out at about 12:30 last night. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever done. It was no one’s fault but my own.

I left my room untouched. It’s always been perfect. Never messy, never dusty, always perfectly pristine. I don’t know what they're going to do with it when I’m gone.

I left a note for my dad. Just a few words. “Pa, I’m not the one you know.” He’ll understand eventually when he sees my face.

On the news.

It’s really cold out here. I don’t know what to do. My Pa was the only one I had left. My mom is gone, we just had each other. Now I’ve done unspeakable things and I don’t know how he can ever forgive me.

It’s a messed up concept. People tell me I can call them for help. People tell me I can always talk to them. But it feels wrong. I don’t want to. I don’t want to call them in the nighttime when I cry. I can’t give them all my pieces. I just have to keep myself held together with tape until everything ends. I reapply it every morning because I’m always broken at night.

I can feel the demons haunting me. The demons of everything I’ve done. It weighs down my back until I can’t even walk. I don’t want to give people my demons so I take them instead. I take all of them until I’m broken.

I can see their lights out this window. I hear them coming down the hall. I want to go home but I can’t drag him into this. He’ll see me eventually, but he’ll have to watch me struggle from the other room. He can’t be involved. I won’t let him be blamed.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane. I say the same things over and over and over and over and over again. It drains my soul.

Sometimes I see him leaving. I picture his disappointed face and then him walking away from me and sometimes yet most of the time... I feel alone. Pa, I need you to stay. I need you to stay. I need you to stay.

I can’t take them on my own. I can hear them coming. Closer and closer and closer. Too close too close too close i ponder if I should escape or accept my fate. I can hear their voices. It’s too loud I just want to cry but I can’t let them see me.

Someone told them where I was. Someone told them what I did. Someone got me here. Someone betrayed my trust. Though I never really trusted in the first place.

See what I mean? I’m insane. I’m spouting words without knowing what they are saying. I don’t know how to process these thoughts.

They’re here. And I am no longer here. I don’t want to be up against a wall hiding from my demons. I can’t hide from them, I can't run. No matter how much I do they will always find me.

I FEEL LIKE I’M FALLING

But I’m not.

THEY’RE CATCHING UP

But

   They’re

            Not.

Pa. He’s noticed I’m gone. He’s sent me a lot of text messages.

I can’t answer him. I really want to. I want to run back to him, hear his voice welcoming me home, feel his fatherly hug. I don’t even know why he’s awake at this hour. I don’t want to be awake either, but I can’t sleep. I never can sleep.

Maybe I can run away. Maybe I can live a better life. Maybe I can dive to the bottom of the ocean and live there. I can become a new person.

But I know that’s never going to happen. I can’t escape. I’m stuck. It’s almost as if I’m chained to this place, to these people. Sometimes that’s bad and sometimes that’s good. The chains are loose but still won’t let me escape.

I suppose for now, I’ll just try to keep them all safe. I’ll keep everyone I know safe by staying away.

Pa, I know you miss me,

But I have killed a man

And all I know

Is I am on the run and go.