The Fox & the Crow: Chapter 1.1, Revelations

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Tick.

Cornyx's world had become a sea of oxidized grains and flat horizons made jagged by this place's crooked teeth; an ocean of barren nothingness that extended into the thin air and touched a pale yellow sky tainted red with a distant sun. No more were the golden waves of grass and rainbow hues of spring wildflowers stretched under a cerulean sky. No more was her bubbling laugh and a smile that turned hazel eyes a shade lighter in the summertime. No more were broken promises, his salvation instead derived from the bitterness searing the back of his throat and leaving a thick, dry film over his mouth.

Smoke poured from his nostrils as if he were a beast from Revelations itself, and he supposed it was not far off to believe the place where he stood a lake of fire within which he would meet an inevitable and agonizing demise. Where his epidermis would melt from the impossible heat to leave the muscle charring underneath until all that was left were bones. Flakes of white beneath charcoal black. Once glowing and alive, and now...

His ebony eyes struck the surface of his pocket watch, gaze tracing the Roman numerals and the rotating hands that meant nothing here beneath twin moons and alien skies. An eolian murmur whispered over the desert to tug at his sleeves, his hair, grains striking his pale skin and leaving behind scarcely visible marks.

Where was his mentor now?

Inanna's tip had long since dipped below the horizon. In a land of eternal day, the moons were all its denizens had to track time: no regular seasons, no stridulating nocturnes, just an immortal light in a world renowned for darkness. Yet, alone amidst the standing rocks, it was clear why this place had been called Hell and Diyu, why it was a place of eternal torment and little more.

A centimeter of ash was left behind on his cigarette's glowing tip, fuzzily illuminating the sharp, gaunt angles of his owlish face and aquiline nose before a cloud of grey overtook his somber visage once more.

Tock.

A silhouette emerged through the particle-filled air. It was as if he stepped out through a cloud, trench coat pulled by a faint breeze to the side to reveal a broadsword hanging from his hip. He appeared to be a simple man: dark-complexioned, dreadlocks hanging unevenly about his face and held in a lopsided ponytail, haggard and worn as if he'd just risen from the ashes of a thousand-year war. His eyes were the only hint at something more: molten gold, burning and infernal.

"I thought you'd given those up," he observed to his pupil, his figure half-covered by the vertical stones.

The young man's gaze fell to the ground, followed by the cigarette, its life promptly smothered out beneath his toe. "I have little to report. They don't speak to me, Mikael; I'm nothing more to them than I am to your sister. My presence here is useless." It was not a statement but a plea, delivered in a plaintive tone, hung with frayed threads of resignation bordering on despair.

Silence. Then, "When do I come home?"

Cornyx's eyes rose for a fleeting instant when his imploration left his lips. The man to whom it was addressed only sighed and reached forward, hand stalling inches away from his pupil's.

"Soon, my boy."

Soon.

Tick.

"Levia's death has left the courts uncertain. They still don't know who took her life, or her son's. It leaves me as the sole heir. It wasn't..." You? But the words died on Cornyx's lips and he said nothing more.

"No, my child, of course not. Never would we take the life of a youth."

"Mikael?"

"Yes?"

"I'm not coming home, am I?"

"Soon, Cornyx. Have patience."

Seven months in Hell, and he was bidden, have patience. "Yes, Mikael."

"How much time do we have left?"

"We never had any to begin with." Cornyx slid the silver watch into his pocket. "I had best go, before they realize I'm gone."

"Yes...of course."

He nodded, and turned away, but before a single step could draw him away from his torment, his name was spoken and he stopped.

"Cornyx--don't...lose yourself here. Edin will be waiting when all this is done. I promise you. This isn't the last of it."

"Yes, sir."

"Good luck."

Good luck, and ill fortune, came a voice from another time, leaking into the younger's ears before he was left alone in silence but for the wind's gentle whispers. She spoke to him more kindly than the semi-god did, he thought; at least she told no pretty, Hallmark lies.

She was his only company when he traversed the sands back alone and left Angrikh, the dragon-stones, behind. The foreign roll of Earthen tobacco was swallowed by the earth and his footprints went with it--swallowed by her mistress, the Summer eternal.

The stygian stones of Gru'mai's keep, the single most powerful location in Sukur, rose from the sands as if each building was a jutting scale of some extinct creature devoured by the desert. No, he reminded himself idly, his soles coming to a stop upon a flat-topped rock to overlook civilization; the desert had a name. Ashkuln. The First Circle of Sukur, the innermost of them, the desert land of the hundari.

He tread to the walls, skirting their gunmetal rocks sealed tight with weathered and ancient mortar that no longer seemed necessary, given how tight each brick was against the next. Mingled scents of parched granules and dried detritus-turned-earth replaced that of nicotine in his nostrils. It was so tantalizingly similar to that of shimmering heat back home, yet lacking in the sweetness of grass and hay. Like everything else here, the scent was a skeleton, the flesh and fur that adorned it elsewhere gone to leave clean, dull ivory.

Pronunciation Guide

Mikael: my-kay-el

Sukur: soo-koor

Gru'mai: groo-my (rhymes with "lie")

Ashkuln: ash-kooln

Hundarans: hoon-dar-awns

Angrikh: awng-gree-kh (a hard "kh" from the back of the throat)

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
QuoolQuo
Review

Ahoy hoy,

I had a quick look over this earlier and I'm very happy that I came back to give it read. However, I must confess I'm in a bit of a sleepy so this might not turn out to be the best review and more of an overall impression. That aside though here are my comments!

1. This was a very strong start to what looks like will be a very strong story and its obvious that you have a wide world waiting to be built and from this we've scratched the surface. It usually takes me a while to get invested in some epic fantasy world but right from the get-go I want to learn more.
Despite this, a lot of information was thrown out all at once, mainly in the last few paragraphs, and though this might just be my tired brain, it was a bit hard to keep track of. While there is nothing wrong with this, depending on what audience demographic you are aiming for, it might be a little much for the average reader to take in all at once. I assume you will be writing another part to this and so the only tip I can give would be to maybe space out the tid-bits of information to help the reader 'digest' it, for want of a better word.
This aside though, my show-don't-tell radar didn't pick anything up and all the information did fit smoothly into the story and my ramblings above are all purely suggestions if you were going to encounter another reader who was meant to be sleeping by now.

2. I love your descriptions. There is no way I can describe the amount of respect I feel towards your skill as a writer, and that opening paragraph was pure perfection. Your characters as well also promise to be very interesting and again with the descriptions. I have nothing really to complain about apart from that I wish there was more!

So yeah, those are my comments. Not the best I know but I truly do want to follow this story so if you could notify me when you publish a new part I promise I will definitely try to write a better review than this.

As one final note, I love the title!
- H.G

Thank you so much, I%u2019m glad you enjoyed! It%u2019s definitely a fine balance between too much information and not enough, so I really appreciate your feedback on it. I%u2019d be happy to tag you and can%u2019t wait to share more! :D

Wow that whacked my apostrophes <.<

Thanks, glad I could help!

User avatar
firemoons Review

I really love this story already, and I've only finished the first part! :) Your descriptions are absolutely amazing (you're going to see me mention this a lot), and I can see how detailed the world-building is just from how they're casually mentioned. Already, I have a lot of questions about Mikael, Cornyx, and Levia. I wrote down my thoughts as I was reading the story, so some things will repeat. I'm going to get right into the review, though. :)

Cornyx's world had become a sea of oxidized grains and flat horizons made jagged by this place's crooked teeth; an ocean of barren nothingness that extended into the thin air and touched a pale yellow sky tainted red with a distant sun. No more were the golden waves of grass and rainbow hues of spring wildflowers stretched under a cerulean sky. No more was her bubbling laugh and a smile that turned hazel eyes a shade lighter in the summertime. No more were broken promises, his salvation instead derived from the bitterness searing the back of his throat and leaving a thick, dry film over his mouth.


As I said, there's going to be a lot of me being absolutely stunned by descriptions. This one is stunning, and it truly paints a scene for the reader. It's a great opening, already leaving you questioning since this is definitely not our Earth.

His ebony eyes


Just noticed a small typo here.

the Roman numerals


Another typo. It just needed to be capitalized.

the rotating hands that meant nothing here beneath twin moons and alien skies.


Hhh, another beautiful description! It also hints that Cornyx knows it came from Earth, and confirms that this isn't Earth.

it was clear why this place had been called Hell and Diyu, why it was a place of eternal torment and little more.


*immediately thinks of school* Even though it's not that many words, this description is so really good. It says a lot about how Cornyx views eternal day. (I recently watched something where it was eternal night, so this is an interesting contrast.)

A centimeter of ash was left behind on his cigarette's glowing tip, fuzzily illuminating the sharp, gaunt angles of his owlish face and aquiline nose before a cloud of grey overtook his somber visage once more.


I love this description. It really gives the reader an idea of how Cornyx looks without the standard "oh, Character A has brown hair."

He seemed as if he stepped out through a cloud


It feels like there are more words here than necessary to get the point across. I had to reread that part a couple of times.

He appeared to be a simple man: dark-complexioned, dreadlocks hanging unevenly about his face and held in a lopsided ponytail, haggard and worn as if he'd just risen from the ashes of a thousand-year war. His eyes were the only hint at something more: molten gold, burning and infernal.


Have I mentioned how much I love your descriptions yet? They're amazing.

They don't speak to me, Mikael; I'm nothing more to them than I am to your sister.


Ooh, this definitely says a lot about Cornyx and Mikael's relationship, and also Cornyx's relationship with "them." I assume they're citizens, but it makes you wonder why they don't talk to Cornyx. Definitely making the reader think!

"Levia's death has left the courts uncertain. They still don't know who took her life, or her son's. It leaves me as the sole heir. It wasn't..." You? But the words died on Cornyx's lips and he said nothing more.


There was a small typo here; there was an a between "It leaves me as" and "the sole heir." I'm assuming Levia's some type of queen, so Cornyx has to be royalty. This also implies some stuff without completely giving it away. The fact that Cornyx knows (or at least thinks) that Mikael could pull this off and has the motivation is interesting to me, especially since Mikael knows Cornyx would be the next heir. To me, it means that Cornyx is somehow involved with whatever Mikael is doing, which brings up questions about why Cornyx is trusting him if he's next in line for whatever throne there is. I'm curious to learn more about their relationship in further chapters.

Seven months in Hell


This stuff with home makes me assume that Cornyx isn't a native to this planet, and the pocket watch is presumably from Earth. The fact that there's a monarch makes me wonder if this is some type of alternate Earth.

Good luck, and ill fortune, came a voice from another time, leaking into the younger's ears before he was left alone in silence but for the wind's gentle whispers. She spoke to him more kindly than the semi-god did, he thought; at least she told no pretty, Hallmark lies.


Oh, so Mikael's a god, or at least partially. Again, this drives the reader to wonder why Cornyx is working with Mikael, and what Mikael is planning.

The foreign roll of Earthen tobacco was swallowed by the earth and his footprints went with it--swallowed by her mistress, the Summer eternal.


Love these descriptions! If Hallmark didn't already confirm my suspicions, he's definitely from Earth, or has at least been there.

Like everything else here, the scent was a skeleton, the flesh and fur that adorned it elsewhere gone to leave clean, dull ivory.


Once more, a wonderful description, and a great ending! It was very chilling, and I can't wait to read more of it!

TL;DR, this is an incredibly crafted story, and (as stated multiple times) the descriptions are breathtaking. I feel like the world-building has only been scratched, and there's already such depth to this universe. There were a couple of typos, but those are due to happen. My only comment aside from praise is that there were several words that I didn't know and I had to look up, so simpler terms might be easier with reader comprehension. Overall, though, this is a truly wonderful story, and it's off to a great start! :)

Thank you so much for this shining review, it made my day! < 3 I'm working on the next part to this chapter already, and if you'd like, I can ping you as I publish them (if not, I totally understand; don't feel pressured to say yes!) I'll hop in and fix those typos and see what I can do about that one weirdly lengthy sentence~ (:

Ooh, I'd love to be tagged! :) Thank you!



Let the wild rumpus start!
— Maurice Sendak