Slim fingers traced the clay, smoothing the curving neck and glistening wet wings of a figure. With a gentleness and love found only in one of a truly kind heart, scales were etched into the creature. It was given glinting eyes with which to see; sharp talons with which to feel; a long, slim muzzle with which to smell; a curling, serpentine tongue with which to taste; and wings with which to fly.
Tenderly the sleeping statue was placed within a box among all the other creations of birds and beasts and dishes and tools, all formed from a single lump of earth and made to appear as though they lived. Creating something from nothing, as if by magic.
The box was lifted and carried by the maker of art, the teacher of creation, and bumpily placed into the back of a car. With a thunk the trunk was closed and the clay was thrown into a deep, dark oblivion. With a roar the engine growled and the whole machine began to hum and move, at first roughly, and then more smoothly as they reached the road.
After an eternity the teacher reached her home and removed the box of her students' art and brought it up the stairs. An endless climb ensued at the end of which the herd of creations were placed upon a table and left to rest and await the day ahead.
The next day the figurine was moved onto a cold metal grate in a deep cave. Beside it was a serpent and a bowl with the same fate. Soon the cavern began to glow a gentle orange and it heated, baking the creature's scales and giving it fire. Finally it began to cool as light pooled inside when the teacher opened the door and released the figures, placing each in its place within the box.
Finally solid, the beast was gently put in front of its creator. She cooed at her beast's beauty and strength now that it was no longer simply molded earth.
"Now you have fire, too," she whispered, and stroked its serpentine neck.
Its scales tickled as the girl brought a brush over its skin, giving it colour. She murmured to the inanimate beast all the while. When she was done, the creature was no longer a monotone gray; instead, it had scales of a pale violet and wings of ice blue.
Soon night fell and the pale moon rose in the sky. But as always it wasn’t eternal- orange-pink rays of sun pierced the darkness and morning came once more, casting shaft of golden light upon the sculpture as the girl returned to collect her finished art.
She brought it outside in her hands and looked at her creation. Her perfect, beautiful creation.
She loved it with all her heart. She'd put her soul, her work into the mystical thing, and as she watched it, she cooed three simple words: "I love you."
Magic; fire; love.
The dragon’s eye flew open.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
In my opinion, this is actually a very beautiful piece. It really brings out the love an artist has for their art. I think it would do well as a longer story. However, a few grammatical mistakes need to be worked on. An example would be the following:
"... ; and wings with which to fly" Here, you could either take out the semi-colon or the 'and'.
"... with gentleness and love found only in one of a truly kind heart" The 'one of' part could be taken out so that it could make sense.
Commas could be added in a lot of places, which I am not going to name, because it should be pretty obvious where they make a sentence sound best. As well as this, I think that you could have used a better language on the "It's scales tickled..." paragraph, for example: "The girl took a brush into her hand and dipped it into a pot of paint. Soon, the brush began to dance around on the inanimate beast's scales, every movement giving the creature more colour and life."
Apart from a few mistakes, I loved the imagery used in the first paragraph, because it painted a very clear picture of a dragon in my head. Overall, I think this is very good short story, which has the potential to turn into a beautiful novel, provided you watch your grammar and language choices.
*looks at the bad grammar**wonders how much sleep I got the day before because usually I'm super nitpicky* Darn it. How the heck did I manage all that? Welp, thanks for the review! Nice name, by the way!
Thank you and hope it helped!
'Ello, Feather, this is Kara, returning your review!
Grammar (I'm very nitpicky, bear with me here):
You don't need the "in one" in there.
The "and" shouldn't be there if you use a semicolon.
There should be a comma after "Tenderly" and it should be "...among all of the other creations: birds and beasts and dishes and tools..."
Instead of a comma after "move", put a dash there.
Should be icy instead of ice.
I'm not sure that this should be one sentence.
Instead of semicolons, there probably should be commas.
This is the most nitpicky of all, but I think there should be an "and" right before "the." I am aware that "and" normally is not used in the beginning of a sentence but here it would be appropriate.
Confusing:
To me this was the most confusing part. After reading the story a few times I realized that the teacher was taking her students' work. But originally I thought the teacher was a monk or something and made different little sculptures. Maybe clear this up a bit?
Also, are the sculptures jumbled together? If they were they would be stuck together. Maybe put a little more detail in that.
Overall:
This is a very good piece. Grammar is amazing; the things that I put down are very nitpicky. I hope you write more and, if you develop this piece, I hope it gets as much praise as I'm giving it right now!
Haha, thanks! The grammar/punctuation was used a bit differently than usual because of the poetry I was adding to the piece. Most of the nitpicks I saw I'm pretty sure is more preference than correctness, but I don't claim to be an expert on anything but birds XD Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Hey there featherstone9086! DrLavender here for a review. Let's get into this!
This is great imagery and great parallelism! It really allows me to envision the creature you're describing, which judging by the title and of course the passage above, would have to be a dragon?
Great line! I don't know why, I just really like this for some reason.
Ah, ending on a cliff hanger! Always a great concept, keeps the reader intrigued!
Honestly, that's all I really have to say about this piece. I'm sorry I don't have one of deep length for you, it's because I don't have anything much to critique. I think you're a fantastic writer, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
I opened this story with the intent of writing a review, and I almost couldn't find anything wrong with this. You are an absolutely amazing writer and this chapter to me seems just about flawless. Minus the s missing after shaft in "casting shaft of golden light upon..." this story can not get any better. The ending was even more amazing.
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!
I opened this story with the intent of writing a review, and I almost couldn't find anything wrong with this. You are an absolutely amazing writer and this chapter to me seems just about flawless. Minus the s missing after shaft in "casting shaft of golden light upon..." this story can not get any better. The ending was even more amazing.
I opened this story with the intent of writing a review, and I almost couldn't find anything wrong with this. You are an absolutely amazing writer and this chapter to me seems just about flawless. Minus the s missing after shaft in "casting shaft of golden light upon..." this story can not get any better. The ending was even more amazing.
I opened this story with the intent of writing a review, and I almost couldn't find anything wrong with this. You are an absolutely amazing writer and this chapter to me seems just about flawless. Minus the s missing after shaft in "casting shaft of golden light upon..." this story can not get any better. The ending was even more amazing.
Wow! What a very descriptive and beautiful piece! I'm BlueSunset, and I will be reviewing your short story today.
This was nice and detailed. I think that was what made this piece stand out even more - all the description and wonderful words you've decided to use. Though, every good work can have something to improve on and/or change.
This paragraph had two points that kind of made me feel edgy. The first thing I have to point out was to possibly put a comma after "her work". Otherwise, the sentence kind of just blends together, and gets a little confusing. Another thing. This sentence didn't feel as poetic as many of your other ones. I think replacing "thing" with "beast" or "creature" or "art" would be reasonable. Using the word thing is bland and not as beautiful as it could be. The idea arises that there maybe wasn't much thought in that sentence, or at least not the object you were speaking of.
I noticed that you used the semicolon (;) quite a number of times. In this specific sentence, I think it would be okay for you to just use commas or periods. If you would prefer more emphasis and power in this sentence, I would probably suggest using periods. For more flow, you could replace the semicolons with commas. I seemed to observe your use of semicolons throughout this story, and it was used a lot. Maybe simply change this one part, and keep the others with semicolons?
Hmm, both of these sentences have "With a..." at the beginning. I love how you used these words to describe the actions and sounds occurring, but perhaps changing one for some diversity in this paragraph. If you had "With a..." at the beginning of two sentences, it would be alright if they were not together/one after another. But two of the same in a row seems a little bit repetitive to me.
I thought this was a very creative written work! Although it didn't have a major plot to it, the description was phenomenal, and quite poetic, almost, too. I did see the occasional need to add a comma here and there at the start of paragraphs, but those were little nitpicks that can be fixed quickly.
I enjoyed the concept of mainly detail and description, not much dialogue, and no particular names of characters. It was simplistic, yet in a way, extremely thorough and complex. Also, I fell in love with the end. Immediately, when I read the last line, I realized the title's meaning. I can see your skill and fast-paced growing potential for writing is special, and I enjoyed this short story.
Would love to see more from you in the future!
~BlueSunset
Thanks!
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading and reviewing!
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
This is just an observation, but up until now in your story you've never used the word dragon. Right at the end of the story you use the word dragon in the final sentence. In my opinion I think the last line would have more impact if it was the first and last time you said dragon. Just my opinion though.Observations
I'm not sure why, but this sentence doesn't have the right emotion to it. It feels a little blunt compared to the wonderfully poetic rhythm the rest of the story has. Maybe try to rephrase it some how. It might just be me though so take my criticism with a pinch of salt.
Grammar and Punctuation
There needs to be a comma between "heart" and "scales.
Overall thoughts
Story plot: There's not much of a story plot to be had here. It's really simple and leaves a lot of space for you to get really poetic with your words.
Rhythm: I don't usually talk about rhythm in stories as it's more of a poetry thing, but with your story I really must. I loved the way you structured your sentences to fell like a song or a poem. They flowed into one another like water and it gave a really soft, gentle flow to your story that was wonderful to read.
Description: I felt that your description was well balanced. It didn't get so heavy that it made the story cumbersome to read. Instead you used it to your advantage and made it enhance your story. Some of the best poetic description I've seen in a long time.
Title: Your title was also very catchy and draws a reader in. It also ties into the whole poetic side of you story by being in the very last sentence.
Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review!