I got out of bed at first light the next morning, a skip in my step as I pulled on my clothes and ran into the main room to go and yank on my boots. It was my tenth birthday, and I was spry as a spring filly. I bolted outside and snatched up the broom that leaned against the wall just outside before sweeping the house and the steps to the door in the front — the snow wasn’t that bad, for we had a lot of cover from trees, but if we had the door on the ground it’d be covered and we wouldn’t be able to get in and out.
My father stood in the doorway, which had piqued the interest of the raven that nested nearby. It was sitting in a tree and watching the two of us. He had two long, sturdy sticks in his hands, about four feet long and leather wrapped around the bottom as a handle and a second stick crossed above it like a handguard.
I grinned. He was a soldier, the one of the leaders of the Hunters who still battled the Pack. Known for his diplomatic abilities and superb leadership, he was called the Cougar; those who knew him personally called him Kolvar. I was destined to follow in his footsteps. He’d trained me in hand-to-hand combat and with a bow and knives, but he’d never shown me more than the basics with a blade work. He had promised that when I turned ten he we would start my training with swords.
He tossed me the wooden drill blade and I caught it as he stepped outside and closed the door behind him. “Listen well, little pup; one day these teachings may save your life.”
Parry, riposte, advance, retreat.
The hollow thud of our weapons echoed through the surrounding woods.
Dodge, evade, bock, retreat.
The flurry of wood and a sharp pain on my arm as I moved a bit too slowly.
Retreat, duck, lunge.
I hit my father in the chest as the fight continued one for hours on end. I lost all track of time as we sparred and he barked out corrections and criticisms, never resting.
I had the endurance of a wolf and rivaled even Kolvar in that respect. We eventually stopped for lunch before returning to our outdoors combat, but as the sun finally set he called it. I returned indoors, exhausted yet thrilled with the exhilaration of the day, the smile on my face fixed.
“That drill sword, little pup, is your present from me to you on this anniversary of your birth,” he told me as he handed me a bowl of rabbit stew.
“Thank you, Father,” I grinned, accepting the meal. Nightfang looked at me with his baleful golden gaze, obviously quite interested in getting a bite of my meal. His brother, Shadow, or as we called him, Shade, was next to him, thumping his onyx tail in anticipation.
I walked past the gargantuan Hunter-bred canines and sat down in front of my father’s chair, staring into the flames.
“Father, are all the wolves really evil?” I asked.
“Is anything truly evil, little pup?” he answered my question with an inquiry of his own as he sat down behind me.
“Yes,” I replied. “Demons are bad, and so are outlaws.”
“Demons exists to keep balance, do they not? And an outlaw does not wish to be an outlaw; they become one for reasons beyond their control.”
“Why have balance when the day could be forever?”
“Because, little pup,” he said, “you cannot have one without the other. What is joy without sadness?”
“Good.”
“No, no…Silver, were it not for the night there would be no day. If there is no predator then the prey’s population gets bigger and bigger until the land can no longer support it and it starves. If there is no prey the predator cannot live. Such is the way of the world.”
I stared into the flickering flames of the hearth as I tried to comprehend his words. “Then why fight if nothing will change?”
“Ah, little pup,” he purred, his voice soft and sincere. “It doesn’t matter if it’s futile. Regardless, we fight — not because we believe we can win but because we’ve got no other choice. I’d rather die fighting for what I believe in than giving up because of the knowledge that our chances of prevailing are slim. And we have hope, Silver. That is the great gift that Avren gave us. That is Akaron.”
“Then it’s not to win but to do what’s right,” I said. “Avren said there could be light in darkness so even if the light doesn’t win we still keep it alive.”
“Exactly, little pup,” he replied, pride in his blue-green eyes.
End of chapter
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140,698 Literary Works • 673,642 Reviews
Hey there! I've not read the earlier sections so feel free to ignore me if I mention anything you think you've covered in an earlier part but I thought I'd take a look at this
So this isn't a big deal but it might be nice to add a few finer details here. For example, clothes could become 'summer dress' or 'grey tracksuit.With only one or two extra words you could make the visual a lot clearer.Specifics
1.
2. This sentence is a bit clunky and hard to read. It's very long so I think it could be broken into two and you also use 'outside' twice in very quick suggestion.Maybe something like:
I bolted outside and snatched up the broom that leaned against the outer wall. I swept the snow from the steps, which wasn't so bad since we have a lot of cover from trees, but if we had the door on the ground it’d be covered and we wouldn’t be able to get in and out.
3. Switching from 'it' for the bird here to he' - presumably meaning the father is awkward. If you switch focus to something or someone else then you have to switch focus back again so you have to use 'father' or 'dad'.
4. This paragraph is a bit info dumpy. There's a log of information to digest and it may be more interesting to drip feed it into the story or have some of it come through in dialogue. Sometimes with parts like this I find it easier to pretend my book is a film and ask how would I tell these details to the audience? What scene would get this across? It's great that we can reveal extra information in books but we shouldn't use it for mundane details. We should save it for how characters feel and key information.
5.
6. This isn't realistic. Even grown people get tired after an hour of sparring and often after a much shorter time then that. Your main character is only ten years old!
7. The dialogue exchanges between the child and father is good! Their personalities seem start to shine through in this section, especially the father's. Now you're showing us he's wise rather than telling us and it's very effective.
Overall
This starts a bit slowly but by the end it really picks up a nice pace and there's some good character development and a sense of world building since it feels like these characters live in a precarious world where things like fighting and predator and prey are very important to them. I think you could describe the sparring session for longer but it also needs to be more realistic. They need to have breaks and to be tired. It's hard to connect to a story if it doesn't feel real/ relate-able and our bodies get tired. Even pro athletes don't train without breaks.
Best of luck with this and feel free to ask questions if you have any!
~Heather
Hey, I'm here to review.
Sentence-level Suggestions
Spoiler
I think this sentence is a run-on with how the first comma serving more as a pause rather than a punctuation. I think replacing it with 'with' will fix this.
The use of 'if' implies that they don't have a door on the ground, which I don't think is the case here. Replacing it with 'when' would suffice.
'and with' seems to be awkward in here. I'd suggest to replace it with 'how to use' so that the sentence is clearer.
The transition from his father talking to them fighting is too sudden. Let the pace flow; establish their posture and allow us a peek of the start of their fight before summarizing their actions.
I find this one hard to believe considering we're comparing a ten-years-old with an adult here. Maybe lower down his endurance to something like 'I had the endurance of a wolf and rivalled Kolvar if he was at my age'. That'd tell us he'll surpasses Kolvar, but in a believable rate.
Content's Comments
Okay, so I think the action part here is neat. I like how you don't focus on describing in details the techniques save for the one to smooth out the transition. Silver's relationship with Kolvar is portrayed nicely too. I can see how they have a good father-son relationship.
I also like the conversation about balance. This attracts me because it talks about philosophy and I'm a sucker of that. While I would side with Silver (what's the use of fighting for good if evil isn't wiped out from the world?), I can see how his father thinks this is the way of the world from the observations he has made from the surrounding.
I'm not finding the introduction of a conflict here (except the obvious one regarding Hunters and wolves), though perhaps it has been in the previous parts. All in all, this is a solid chapter, though a bit non-suspenseful. Keep up the good job!