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12+

Lady of the Lake

by Fearful


Grey skies

Blue water

It beckons

To her daughter

Come in

It's warm

She pleads

With the child

Don't mind

The ice

Or the bones

Scattered on the shore

I understand

Your pain

She says

I know your tale

Don't bother

With an explanation

I already

Know it all

I'll love you

Like you've

Never been

Loved before

They won't

Miss you

Do they even

Know you're gone?

I'll be yours

And you'll

Be mine

Till the end of time

I'll be your escape

Until you feel better

And I really hope

That's it's never

The girl smiles

And takes

A small step

Towards the sea

What fun it would be

To stay forever

Never go back

To home

Her mother's

Been dead

Her father

Has drowned

She has

No one

To love

To hold

Water will

Wash away

All of her

Sorrows


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12 Reviews


Points: 1371
Reviews: 12

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Sun Feb 24, 2019 12:07 pm
AniceMansure wrote a review...



Hey, AniceMansure here for review^^

Are the lines put like waves? Are they meant to be so?

I liked your poem. It has the feel, but like the subject it could have been more darker.

The previous previous reviews make amazing suggestions. So the thing I would like to add concerns the theme. I think that the poem ends up in suicide? There, that's a dark subject. But this kind of sensitive issue requires more emotions to appeal to all. Desperation, depression and dejection...the suffocation that ultimately drives someone to attempt suicide. It would have been amazing if we were leaving inside the girls head for a while before she arrives at the decision to end it all. It may have helped to justify such an act, since I believe anything less of utmost disparity and even that doesn't qualify anyone to end their lives.

The eerie personification of ocean appears as haunting. It's like the dejection is working the role of devil to persuade her to step into the laps of sin. And what could be better than motherly affection in this act of persuasion?

"
Until you feel better

And I really hope

That's it's never

Here the affectionate motherly figure diverges into the role of hands waiting to drag down. And the girl is persuaded as well, quite easily too! The reasons are explained at the end. The reason of her sorrow. Here again it would have been amazing if her feelings had been stretched taut with tension. But all these are just my views. I hope I interpreted this correctly.

Thanks for sharing this piece with us and I will be looking forward to your next work! Have a nice day.




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11 Reviews


Points: 49
Reviews: 11

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Thu Jan 31, 2019 3:23 am
Smuggg wrote a review...



helllloooooo :)

Let me start off by saying i love the mood of this piece. I, too, enjoy dark writing, with a sort of dark, and possibly sad, depressing meaning. It really allows some people to vent what they are feeling and express their emotions onto the paper, which is always good. especially for people who have a hard time expression their feelings out loud, like me. haha

the way that this is written, meaning the way you have the lines and words set up is extremely interesting but also stressful on the eye and mind, in my opinion. its cool beccasue it adds to the sort of scattered, distracted mind that some people who struggle with depression have, but there has to be a point where you get a sense of consistency and start to mature your style and write longer lines with more detail and explanation.

I think its a really strong base and has good content.

Cant wait to read more of your work (:

xx Smugg xx




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479 Reviews


Points: 4157
Reviews: 479

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Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:30 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Heyo! I thought I'd drop by for a review.

I think the format you decided to play around with, is really interesting! And it almost makes me think of a mermaid's tail- which sort of fits the story in a way, because of the girl sort of gong to the sea in a way? Maybe I'm drawing too many assumptions, but I just thought it was a sorta neat connection.

Something that I really noticed with this poem, is that the short lines make it a bit of a jarring read. Don't get me wrong- I love short lines in poetry. But in this case, there's no real break from it, so we're just constantly reading short lines in that sort of abrupt motion that they create, and I really think it doesn't do a good thing for this poem. I think the only way to fix this that I can think of, is to simply make the lines longer- couple up the lines, etc. But that's just my thoughts! c:

Another thing I found in this poem, is that I think there could have been some stronger ways to say things. I noticed that for the most part, there's not a ton of clear images- like, we're sort of being told everything? And it's all almost like a conversation in that it's quite linear? Which is fine, but I feel like poetry really hits it's mark when it can make me feel weird emotions, and see really cool images, or introduces me to a new way of thinking- or a new perspective. I was going to try and explain imagery and stuff, but this article honestly says it far better than I ever could! I highly recommend giving it a read! I think I need to read it again myself. :D

In any case, I really do love the sort of mermaid vibe this poem has. I mean, maybe it's just me that gets that sort of vibe from it. I can't help it; mermaids are awesome, and so are large bodies of water! But I think this poem has a lot of great potential, and it definitely was a fun/interesting read! I hope you keep it up!

-Holysocks





Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown