A man named Sam who has a big bushy beard and sparkling blue eyes always takes long walks in the woods. One night he decided to go for a walk in the cold bright moonlight. Holding his crisp cold water, he sees a figure in the distance, feeling a bit worried about this figure. It gets closer to him ashe starts to feel scared, so scared he fled from the dark evil figure.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello! I see that you are new! I hope to see more of your works sooner or later as I think each person has to show their potential to its fullest to the reviewers and readers so we can see how much you got and what we can actually help you with. You can always ask questions if I am able to answer them and help you. As a first work, I can not say that we expect a long novel with everything perfectly written so no worries. The first is the beginning and it gets better if you work hard.
The problem in this work is not only that it is short, but also because it has no proper punctuation on the right places like commas and others. For a story, even if it is shorter than usual, you need to have details and somehow let us 'see' the scenery. The details form the frame that we, readers, use to imagine it all that is in your story and how it looks like, making it more realistic and interesting. I will edit the short story of yours below to show an example of an edit. I hope it helps.
A man named Sam who has a big bushy beard and sparkling blue eyes always takes long walks in the woods. One night he decided to go for a walk in the cold bright moonlight. Holding his crisp cold water, he sees a figure in the distance, feeling a bit worried about this figure. It gets closer to him ashe starts to feel[/b] scared, so scared he fled from the dark evil figure.
Have a good day and hope to see more!
Hey there Fatpig and welcome to YWS! It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Pretty much every sentence was a run-on sentence and that it really bad for the reader. It means they are getting distracted by the chaos and not actually focusing on the story. The first three sentences need to be split and re-written to avoid as much confusion as possible.
Sentences two and three have this issue and it's a semi big issue in the reader's mind. It is bothersome when you're trying to read through and not sure if a new sentence has been started or not. This is by far the simplest thing to fix.
First on the list of comments, the category for your piece. I feel like this was meant as a summary of a larger story, rather than a short story itself. This is barely one paragraph but it talks about an amount of events, that would belong in a much larger story. So was this meant as a summary?
If this was not meant as a summary, then your story has lots of issues, way too many for me to correct. What I mean by this, is that as a reviewer I can help improve the story but I can not extend it. For this purpose, I would recommend either the Buddy System or Writing Partner clubs. Writing Partners is still pretty active but only a few mentors are still active on the Buddy System. Just make a wall post if this situation applies to you.
For now I guess I'll just treat this as a short story and review from there. I've already made my comments about the length so we don't need to go over all of that again. One other major topic here, is the spelling and grammar issues. There's just way too many for such a short work. One or two per paragraph can be excused, but if you find more than that, you need to proofread better. I haven't listed all of the mistakes but I put some in the spoilers below.
Run-ons
Spoiler
Lack of Capitalization
Spoiler
Another big thing that bothered me, was the plot. It doesn't really exist. The guy goes into the woods and leaves. That's all it boils down to and you really need to add on. Describe the setting and the monster. Create a backstory for everything and you'll do all right.
Unnecessary details. If you are going to put a description of Sam in, put it in. Don't leave one detail about him and move on. It would be nice to know a bit about Sam so I recommend adding on to that.
Huh. I guess that's about all I really have for this review. Your piece was a bit short so this collection of comments will be too. Sorry if this sounded a bit harsh, I didn't mean to.
Have a nice day and good luck rewriting.
Happy RevMo.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
Hi, here with a review. First of all the tittle really gripped me. I really liked the way you've described this scenery but I was disappointed as I was expecting a bit more. I also felt as if you weren't narrating it, it felt as if you were stating this. If you could build up the suspense, it would really add to the atmosphere. Overall, it was really good. Keep writing..