I was a little lamb,
who have become friendly with wolves,
together we have made a conspiracy
to test the patience of God.
I sighed and pampered with God,
when the wolves accidentally pinched my flesh,
and they ran away from me for a while
when I'm sulk with their behavior.
The next day they came again,
they have brought me a flower that blooms,
and they asked me to run along the edge of the gap,
together with a pleasing wind around.
I leave Him again, behind me
I make a choice given by him and go to the wolves,
they stroking my fur and pinched my flesh again,
so I sulk again and return to God.
Oh, I'm just a little lamb,
who like to be pampered with God.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I like the innocence of the poem. It's very sweet.
However there are some errors you should double check on. The flow and the consistency of the poem is a little off. I don't understand what your trying to say in some of the stanzas. I like the idea behind it though.
We want to stay by God when everything is good, but suddenly it's a problem when things start getting bad. It's a pretty strong topic, but I think your delivery is weak.
All in all I'd give you 2/5 stars for this. Because it could be a lot better. Work on your sentence structure and maybe try rewriting it a couple of times and try to find better words and a better follow through.
I hope to see more from you soon.
Please do not get upset over this, but I am going to be blunt.
I read this poem a while ago, and was going to review- but since you were new decided to pass it off in order not to scare you off.
However these other reviews here have appalled me. They sing praise, and nothing they do is constructive at all, they overlook all the errors.
I am going to be ruthless, because this is the only way I can help you, I do not want to leave you like this, enforced by these reviews that is merely people being nice, and not have improved.
First of all- I am convinced English is your second language.
If it is, then you have an excuse and means you can learn, if its not then unfortunately you might want to have a think about that.
Your grammar is appalling. And your tense are all over the place, in the first stanza along I can not even figure out what tense you are trying to write in, from the whole poem. About half or it is past and about half of it is present, so I am going to turn it all into past tense for reviewing purposes.
"who had become friendly"
"together we made a conspiracy"
You clearly don't know what the word pampered means and how to use it, it is a verb or adjective and you use it completely wrong it doesn't even make sense. I am assuming you got the wrong word and you mean 'tempered'
This who entire stanza makes no sense AT ALL. The most ridiculous line is the third one "and they ran away from me for a while" it sounds like something a 7 year old would write. The tense is off, the words are misused. This whole stanza needs revising.
"they had brought me a flower that bloomed
Doesn't make any sense at all.
I really can not give this poem much praise at all. You need to learn how to speak English better, which will help you improve your writing skills.
Pretending that the poem was written with good grammar, the lines are bland and basic, and make little sense on their own or as a whole.
I can see the idea you are trying to portray, and most people said that thy liked it because blatantly there is not much better things to say. I think that you have potential to correctly pull off the idea and express it more efficiently, but this poem has really failed and does not do anything that you are trying to say to justice. I can't even say I like the idea because I don't like any religious things in general.
I am sorry for ripping you apart like this, and I am not trying to be mean and picking on you. I can to bring myself to flower my words in order to sound nice. What really proved me to write this is that none of these other reviews had the guts to do so, and you NEED this help. Without it you can not improve.
Steps for improving.
1. Learn English
2. Take this poem and re-write it. As I said before I do SEE what you are trying to portray here, but there are much better ways to write this. At the moment it doesn't make sense.. and wolves pinching flesh is a very odd way of putting it. Your use of wolves and lambs reflect you are trying to play on something like the wolves in sheep clothing saying, which means someone who deceives. This has nothing to do with the idea that the lamb is going back and forward between the wolves and some condolence.
Just give this a re-write and see how it turns out, but you really need to think about it hard.
Thank you for reviewing! I am trying my best
I love what you were trying to achieve with this poem. The title intrigues me and the concept is very good. However I do have some issues with word choice. I am confused as to what "pampered" means here. "When I'm sulk with their behavior" does not make sense and befuddles the meaning of the poem. I find it difficult to understand what your intended message was during the last two stanzas as they didn't really make sense. I got confused if you were speaking about God or the wolves.
However I loved where you were going with this and with a little bit of changes i think this could make an outstanding poem. I also think your message will be presented more clearly. Good job.
I adore this poem. It's a bit dark and rings true. We are the lamb who boarder lines evil and God. We are so easily evluened and will go to whoever can give us something we want.
I loved when the wolves brought the lamb a flower. The lamb, captivated by this, went to the wolves without better judement and got hurt. He wallows back to God to be nursed before repeating.
I think a lot of people can connect with this if they put themselves in the narrator's shoes; they mess around with the wrong crowd, go to God for forgiveness, then do it again.
This is such a great poem. One of my favorites.
-Kev
Hi Farell,here is Dark to give review on your poem.
I like the concept here.We are the little lamb and the evil was a wolf.Well,the wolves always hunt for food especially little lamb.I know they loved it!
Straight to the point here,I like the theme you want to point up here.God is mercy,that is in your poem here;
#I sighed and pampered with God,-->I like this line.
when the wolves accidentally pinched my flesh,-->Well,I can sense a humor here when the wolves pinched your flesh.You know what is in my mind?I think about Madagascar!
I like every words you use,but I can't comment on grammar
Good job and keep it up!
Cheers,
~Dark