Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
hey guys this is my first story to post on here so forgive me for any silly mistakes. Anyway just let me know if you liked it and if I should post more. This is actually an edited version of the original chapter 1 I posted yesterday. Cleaned it up for you guys.
The Dragon Five
Golden
Chapter one
I opened my bright gold, glowing eyes to see the roof of a small cottage. The room was clouded with thick smoke and I found myself having trouble breathing. Flames surrounded me, licking at the small wooden house. Just as I was about to sit up, a tall figure glaring over me with glowing crimson shards. His hair was spiking up in every direction possible and was the exact color of his demonic eyes. And on either side of his head were large black horns that stuck straight out above his ears and curled up slightly at the end. They also had small dents in them along the borders making them look rough and damaged.
He extended his hand out to me, and I took it without hesitation and stood next to him. I met his red eyes and made a gesture towards the fire.
"It's starting to get a bit stuffy in here," I told him. I tried my best to keep my voice from cracking. Truthfully my throat was on fire and my lungs were so dry it felt like they were cracking He extended an arm towards the flames and as if it were a loyal dog being called by its master, all of the fire in the little house made its way to him, swirling around him until it disappeared when it touched his skin. As he did this I turned my attention to my clothes. Great. They were filthy from the ash. My black leggings and navy blue top were just ruined. I groaned and looked up to see Blaze giving me a false face full of horror, knowing that I was unnecessarily worrying about the way I looked. I shot him a look and turned my attention to the dark burned little room. The house was suddenly quiet and dark and the only thing left to see we're five pairs luminescent beads in all different colors, hovering disembodied in the smoldering structure.
I took a deep breath of confusion. I didn't like it. I couldn't remember anything before now. The only thing I could find in what was left in my memories, was that we weren't from here. We were transported here on a mission for somewhere else. A mission to infiltrate The Kingdom in order to find out every little secret they had hidden behind their walls. I don't remember why, but I don't care either. A good assassin never asks unnecessary questions. I let the scarce information sink into my brain. Letting the last and most important thing within my memories process within my mind. All of the knowledge about the four other member of my team. The ones that were standing in this small one room house directly across from me.
I could see my team also processing their lack of memories the same as I was. But, I took a second to take in my surroundings. Leaning against one corner of the room I saw our Emerald Dragon, Zen. He had his arms crossed against his chest and his dark green hair was falling over his bright green luminous emeralds. He was wearing brown leather pants with a matching leather brown jacket. He had his large bow and quiver across his back. The bow had vine designs all the way down the wood. The vines were faintly pulsing a dim green glow every few seconds.
A few feet away, sitting cross legged on the floor, was the only other female member of our team, other than me. Her light blue curly hair was pulled back in a high ponytail, but it still managed to reach all the way down to her waist. Her icy blue eyes were focused on her small hands which were fiddling with her sharp dagger. On the hilt of the dagger shined a blue gem. White smooth horns stuck out on either side of her head just like all of us. But unlike the boys of our group, who all had slightly larger, black, and rather imperfect horns, we girls had white smoother horns that were shaped almost like a rounded edged triangle. She was the Frozen Dragon, Shiver. Our little thief that was always very quiet and stuck to the shadows. She was wearing her usual gear. dark pants, tank, and an open jacket with a hood attached that allowed her to move with almost no noise at all. A few loose curls fell out into her face and she blew them out of the way.
Standing at the window in complete focus was Blaide, the Howling Dragon. His dark purple wavy hair that came down to his shoulders was being tugged by the wind coming through the broken window in front of him. His silver armor glistened in the light from outside. Strapped across his back was a large two handed sword almost as long as he was tall, but I've felt it's weight and it couldn't weigh anymore than a small knife. His serious purple eyes were alert and ready to take action.
Standing next to me looking straight ahead with a straight face was the Scorch Dragon, Blaze. His bright red eyes turned to meet mine and he gave me a smirky smile full with sharp white teeth. I rolled my eyes. He was wearing loose brown cloth pants and a white shirt. The front of the shirt came down low past his collarbone and tied in a knot in the middle.
Blaide's deep voice broke the silence. "Solar. Shiver. Check out the area from the roof." He ordered. I answered with a quick nod and Shiver stood up and slipped her dagger in its sheath on her belt. Then, we both walked past Blaide and I opened the broken window. I then reach up out the window and grabbed hold of the edge of the low roof. With feline grace, I pulled myself up in a backwards flip and landed in a perfect crouch on the edge of the roof. Shiver simply glided up sticking close to the house as she flew besides me, landing in a similar position to mine.
I took in my surroundings letting my enhanced senses open and wander around the area. Across from the house was a street lined with small cottages similar to the one we were on top of. Most of them were either burned down or on fire. I looked up at the sky to see a black night full with stars. A deep growl sounded in my throat and Shiver looked over and gave me a small smile of pity. I took my staff I always held with me in both hands. The smooth golden metal was cold under my palms. At top end were 6 large golden orbs. One larger one in the center and five smaller ones that slowly circled the larger one. All the orbs floated in place but never left their spot at the tip of my staff. It was like they were held together with some magnetism. I stared at it and sighed. I guess I'll just have to rely on this for now.
"Sol, look." Shiver whispered to me. I looked in the direction she was glaring at and noticed a large group of men that looked like guards. "And there." She said. And she turned her head. To the opposite direction of the armored men to look at a massive horned creature marching through the village. It had blood red skin and large shredded wings on its back. It stood on two hooves and had giant claws on its hands. It stomped to a burning house and brought two fists together over its head and smashed the poor pathetic house to the ground with one hit. The creature was taller than all of the houses here so it had no problem doing this.
"What is it? You reckon it's some sort of demon?" She asked her eyebrows brought together and her pink lips formed into a low frown.
"I think so, but look at those wings. There's no way he could fly as well as us with those tattered rags." I said. I then reached one hand behind my head and pulled the hood of my black cloak onto my head, slipping my 3 inch long horns through the holes built in on the hood. It reached down just above my eyes and my waist long golden hair spilled out through the front. "Alright. Let's head back in," I whispered and we stepped off the roof only to slowly float down to the window, slithering along the wall of the house as we did, and pushing ourselves head first through the opening.
I landed on my feet and stood up straight, while Shiver did the same. The boys all turned their attention to us and Shiver spoke with a clear voice like a bell. "There are a group of guards to the west of here. I was thinking we could confront them and ask for directions." She suggested.
Blaze narrowed his eyes, "like we need some filthy human's advice on where we should go. I say we use Ripper as a scout if we need help finding our way," He said.
I almost forgot that Ripper was here with us. A pair of yellow eyes opened at the mention of his name. I didn't notice him on Zen's shoulder until now. The large black eagle rolled his eyes suggesting that he was not taking orders from Blaze of all people.
"I think it would be a lot simpler and easier if we just asked them." Blaide said.
I didn't really like this idea so much. "Blaide. Don't you think they will be a bit... Taken back by our appearance? No one in this realm has seen anything like us before. They may attack before we are able to speak." I informed him. He put his hand to his chin and turned from us to think about it.
"I personally love the idea of confronting them. Especially if there's a chance of a fight. Lets hope that they will try to challenge us. Let them see what happens." Zen had a devilish grin on his face. I smiled with him and Blaze let out a low laugh.
"No argument there," Blaze said.
"Alright you guys. It's decided. We will confront the guards, but only one will show themselves to them at first to show we are not a threat as long as they don't attack." Blaide instructed. He just loved to take charge so we tended not to argue because most of his decisions were good ones.
"Wait." I said. "There is also a big demon thing a few houses down from here. Sorry we forgot to mention it." I wasn't really sorry. "But, I would love to volunteer to take it out, I am sadly low on power at the moment so I suggest Blaze accompany me?" I was looking at Blaze as I said it, but he was already perked up at the words "big demon thing."
"Fantastic. I'm coming." He announced, not really a suggestion.
Shiver, Blaide, and Zen, with Ripper on his arm, left out the door first, heading left towards the guards.
Zen stopped in the doorway and glared at Blaze, "don't screw up, Pyro." He barked.
Blaze looked like he was going to punch through a wall. "Get lost, tree hugger!" He yelled in response. Zen shook his head and walked towards the others.
I looked up at Blaze, raising an eyebrow. "Really? The best you can come up with is tree hugger? Come on you could do better than that."
He growled at me and I laughed. "Come on, Blaze. Lets slaughter this creature and behold to him the real monsters in this village."
We strode out the door and turned right, calmly walking straight for the monster. As I walked I tightened my grip on my staff. I hope I wouldn't be in the way of Blaze. Without my power, this staff was the only thing I could fight with. If only the sun were out, then I would be at my full potential.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Say hello the the black plague!
Because of my last review and I forgot almost everything I wanted to say by the time I finished the chapter I am going to review as I go, so something I say at first may be contradicted as I continue reading further along so please excuse me if I do.
First off, your opening line.
As this is the first thing your readers see, i think you need to be careful not to be over descriptive. You consecutively use three adjectives "bright gold, glowing" which is a bit overwhelming at first. Another thing to take note of is that its his/her own eyes so they cant really see them. If I was you I would just stick to the word "Golden" and leave out bright and glowing.
"They also" is a really bad way to start a sentence in prose, especially a concluding line to a paragraph. I suggest something along the lines of the following:
Small dents lined along the edges, giving them the impression of roughness or something that had been damaged.
You just said "he extended" in the previous paragraph, try not to repeat phrases so close together or else it seems like you ran out of way to describe to things when in reality (because this happens to me) you wrote it, then forgot you just wrote it and thought it sounded good so you use it again.
I am very particular with repeating phrases and my memory is very good. As long as its not on the same page its usually fine but for example, when i was recently reading a book I remembered this phrase used at the beginning of the book an instantly noticed when it was used again later on. The author used the word "thrum" to describe things three times in the book as a whole, and since it is not a common word i felt she used it too much. In your case extended is a much more common word, but you do have it a bit too close together there.
I think you should say you could hardly remember anything, not couldn't remember anything. She clearly knows who this dude, Blaze is, and doesn't seemed freaked out by him, he talks to her friendly. She isn't shocked at the state she is in. She seems to have some awareness on who she is.
I'm running out of time so just read the rest and I like it, it's quite interesting how these people are the dragons. Keep writing and make sure you get it all down even if you don't like it. Draft or not draft just get it down and don't get trapped in the deep hole of procrastination like some of us.
Hey, Fantasy!
I really enjoyed reading this first chapter, I think it was pretty good. My favourite thing about it was the imagery, like seriously reading this put so many vivid images into my head, and because it's of the fantasy genre that's quite hard but you've done this really well! Did you mean for it to have a lot of imagery to do with eyes, because that's what I noticed. I also just generally like the idea/plot of this because it seems like it'll end up as something really good. I'm not really a fan of fantasy, but this looks good so far!
I disliked this opening a bit because I don't think 'glowing' is a good way to explain eyes.
I think this is a bit of an understatement considering earlier on she said she couldn't breathe
Following this bit with all the smoke in her room, I was a bit confused as to whether this happens a lot or not. I think this is mainly because if it doesn't happen that regularly, surely she'd be a bit more panicked? I know you've mentioned something about confusion, but I really think her reaction to all of that was really tame and if I was her I'd probably be screaming or something xD. Obviously, she has her own characteristics, but I still think that anyone would have a slightly bigger reaction.
The part where you introduce the five assassin's bit is a bit slow. I think you've done a great job at using some really nice descriptions, however having too much description can get a bit boring. And in all honesty, I don't quite remember which description matches with which character. This is important, however I don't think that all has to be revealed in the first chapter. I think that character introductions are very important, and because you're introducing so many here I think you should try and keep them as short and to the point as possible- if you could try and include something memorable about them too, then that would be great.
Lastly, the dialogue is a tad flat- not majorly though. I just think sometimes when reading it I really can't imagine these characters speaking like that. I mean I imagine these assassin's to be full of life and witty or something, but I'm not really feeling that here. For example,
Here, it just seems too formal. i'm not sure if that's what you were actually going for but I'm guessing you weren't. I used to and still do have trouble writing realistic dialogue, but I suggest just sort of listening to people speak around you or on the TV to et a good idea of it all.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh here. Overall, I did enjoy reading this, and even though I'm not a fan of fantasy this has left me feeling very intrigued. I love your description, but remember not to over-do it and because there is more to this story you can space it out a bit more. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything. And let me know if you post anymore of this up.
Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x
Thanks for the review I just posted the edited version and I'm working on the next chapter right now. Stay tuned!
Good review bro, I hope I didn't repeat too much of it.