Young Writers Society

This is kind of...boring. It's been done a million times and you have not offered any kind of originality or new creativity to make it special. This is more telling a story--you have complete sentences throughout the entire poem that start with things like "and" and "The" and "You" and it just makes it seem more like a pissy letter than a poem.

Ignore the guy @ the top....
This was AWESOME! I want to see more from you, more stuff like this. The message is awesome

Fantasyfreak14--


Welcome to the YWS Poetry forums.

This curious construction serves no purpose that I can see.


Best,
Brad

wow. this really sucks. I wrote this last year or maybe the year before that, I can't remember. Looking back at it now, I see I need to work on a lot of things.

I enjoyed this poem, i know how you feel.

This poem was really so-so. The subject was really cliche, but that doesn't mean you can't write about it. It just means you have to find your own unique aspect on it, you didn't do that. And also when you start out the lines are short:

I hear your laughs
I hear your jeers
I know that you're taking about me,
Just because I'm different from you.
Why can't you accept me for what I am?

Whatis normal anyway?

I felt the same way as you. Probably because I endure alot of those things too. All well, keep writing!!! It was really good.

I've always liked the idea behind this poem, Alyssa, because I know exactly what you're talking about. Thinking about it and reading it again, though, I am seeing that the other commenters are right about rhythm and show-not-tell. Work on those things, especially in the second stanza, but yes, I still like this for the most part.

-*-*--Diana--*-*-

I've read versions of this poem a thousand times. "I'm different, why can't you just accept me for who I am." I'm not saying it shouldn't be said; it should be, but at least find a new way to say it.

i'm sort of getting angry at bob, here. he says everything i want to say, but better than i could say it. he is correct that you have no rhythm throughout this entire poem, and while i'm unsure if it's nessasary....well.....most people would like it if you attempted to incorporate some sort of offbeat or even regular rhythm. and then he used the PERFECT example for this sitaution: SHOW not TELL. you told us how you felt and told us what you did and even told us well...basically, everything. at least try to make sentances like so:

I stare at the floor.

Firstly, double posting is bad form - after a long time with no comments isn't too bad, but half-an-hour later isn't really acceptable.

Now, onto the poem: your main problem is ryhthm; there just isn't any. Practically all of your lines are statements in and of themselves; they don't ever really run on, except for one exception, and that just breaks up the poem to the point where it isn't really poetry anymore. It might as well be a piece of prose without the line breaks - you need to read this out loud, and realise that it has to *flow* for it to be effective - you need to get your line lengths much more standard. The second verse is probably the best example of the worst of it - your first line is 5 syllables, your second one is a whopping 15, your third is 6, the fourth is 9 and so on and so on - it just doesn't make good reading.

Then there's your language - this is poetry, and dramatic poetry to boot, and there is, therefore, one golden rule: SHOW, don't TELL. Blunt statements of exactly what happened/what you felt aren't likely to get you very far, because they're just to everyday and average. It's the equivilent of a cop drama where one officer sits at his desk and reads you the report of the police actions - it just doesn't have any power or imagery to it. Instead of lines like "I know you're talking about me" you need to start using things like "I head their whispers walking up and down the walls at my back" - that's just one I made up on the spot, and so not very good, but you see the difference? You've got to use images and metaphors and similies to makes us SEE what's going on, because that's the only way you'll truly get through to people. And what that means is that you need to bulk up on your vocabulary, and practice seeing ordinary things in a different light - if there's a bird sitting on your fence, what else does it mean to you? Is it a metaphor for life? Freedom? Does it remind you of a memory? Trigger off a line of thought? These are the kinds of things you need to get into a habit of doing, so that your poetry reflects ways of seeing and thinking that people haven't heard a million times before.

Those two pretty much encompass most of what you need progress in: get your rhythm working better, and stop using blunt, unimaginative language to get your point across.

Right, that's all.

I wrote this poem last year. Most of it doen't apply to me now, but I still like the poem.