Published December 12, 2009
a petrarchan sonnet. the rhyme scheme is a bit different. it's like ababcdcd cdecde.
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I watch the sunset with him by my side
A kaleidoscope of colors arise
That was the day that I became a bride
I was honored with a pleasant surprise
He took me by the hand and breathed my name
My heart flutters and I can’t breathe all
I knew my life would never be the same
He looked into my eyes as I recall
“The ring is perfect!” I hear myself claim.
I am so gracious I begin to bawl
He holds me close and whispers in my ear
This moment puts all the others to shame
I accept, there is no moment to stall
Our happiness together will be clear
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Hey there,
Usually if I don't like the rhyme/structure of it, then it'd make sense to like what it's about, but usually if I don't like what it's about then I settle for structure and whatnot... if that makes sense?
Poems are funny things.
I felt that the way this was worded was a little high on cliche hills, and I think I would have liked to see a bit less flowered wording throughout. The sonnet structure was excellently done-- fair meter and excellent rhyme. Thumbs up on that, as sonnets are not my favorite things to attempt. I am with Trident, though, a bit of elaboration on things mentioned would stand helpful in the ways of things.
Best --
June
All I really want to say is wow. I thought that you included beautiful details about how the sunset was a splash of colors and how the guy just held you and whispered things that every girl wants to hear.
Something that I would do differently is maybe just have the two of them just sort of be together, you know? I think that if you made her response to the ring ( her words and bawling) a little more subtle, it would make the poem overall slightly more calm which would make it a little more romantic.
Definitely, this is a beautifully romantic and gentle poem. I loved it!
Dear Fantasy Freak,
My name is Olya and I really liked your "Sunsets". I am only learning how to review and I might still lack some knowledge and experience in that but let me tell you that I am absolutely delighted with the imagery you made use of here and the figures of speech: expressive, genuine and beautiful.
To my understanding, the title you have chosen for the verse given is absolutely suitable and makes me think of a plot metaphor here: there is nothing more beautiful and touching than a ring and a proposal of marriage and the moment when your former life as a girlfriend gets its sunset while 'fiancee' life gets its sunrises.
Hi fantasyfreak14,
Though I think the topic of marriage you have chosen to address is worthy, it is quite a task, maybe one that you should think about avoiding. While the rhyme scheme works to an extent, the language you've decided to use is pretty basic for a Petrarchan sonnet. I would also say that your poem is filled with some basic phrases such as "breathed my name" and "there is no moment to stall". These don't do much to help set the mood of the poem in an original way.
Though I'm a proponent of not complicating your poetry too far, you might want to think about adding in more ideas such as the kaleidoscope reference you used in the second line.