Published December 12, 2009
a poem written to the beat of the opening lines of the song "Mirror" by BarlowGirl. It was an assignment to write a poem to the beat of a song, and this is what I came up with.
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I once knew love
Deep within my sweet heart
He was taken from me
Now I’m alone
I can’t believe
That he left me this way
He was my everything
My fair angel
The rope he hung
Across the banister
Was a cruel trick of fate
A holocaust
Now he watches
From high above the earth
Over the horizon
Waiting for me
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Hi there,
I definitely second Amy that 'holocaust' is an extremely powerful word. Your lack of follow up on that shows me it was just a flash of genius that vanished just as quick, I was deeply dissappointed.
Though I don't get how a regretted love has to do with a holocaust, but that has other unrelated implications.
You're language besides that one word? Drab, drab, drab. Spice it up a little, a thesaurus would really come in handy for you.
Also, these first lines here:
Deep within my sweet heart? Really? Your poetic persona (narrator) is pitying themselves, or just boosting their egos? 'Yes, I'm sweet, he was wrong to do what he did.'
Blah, it's a terrible way to start off a poem.
Keep trying and when that flash of genius appears, hold onto it. It can take you somewhere.
Kamas
Hey there!
So, some of the imagery you've used here is powerful, very powerful. The word 'holocaust' alone has huge implications, so I guess it's a good word to use. What would have been nice though, is if you'd expanded on the ideas more. It's a scary analogy, so why not take advantage of that scariness and explore it even deeper than just likening the two? You could do more, you can explain *why* it's a holocaust, etcetera.
~Amy
thank you!
Wow this is really good. You made it short and to the point, but full of impact. You did a great job of the age old saying "show, don't tell." I don't see anything to tell you to change. Keep it up!
Oh and BarlowGirl is amazing...
This is so short, but it almost made me cry!! I love it! Might I add, I'm not that great at writing poems, so I'm not actually reviewing this...I just wanted to say nice job!