Published December 12, 2009
His memory is deep within my heart
His golden hair a picture in my mind
The sickness overtook him from the start
Weaker than before, he left us behind
My silver tears stained his beautiful face
His motionless form put me in despair
Sometimes I see him still, but just a trace
His presence close now; whispers in the air
I know that it is just a delusion
I miss him so much I cannot let go
My mind spins in circles; in confusion
Why did my sweet love have to leave me so?
I try to cope, but I can only feign
I dream of when I will see him again
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
I agree with Hope and Aqua about the slightly forced rhythm, as well as the cliche feeling to it--it made me think of Twilight. D: Anyhoo, I do think this is a good piece, just not a wonderful or amazing one. Not bad--but not awesome. Somewhere in between. try working on getting more original ideas, as Aqua said.
Good luck!
-Mizzle
The word feign isn't really good for this, it's another case I think of the forced rhyme thing everyone's saying. I think it's good to see some rhyme in poetry, because it makes lines catchy and memorable, and shows that effort has been put into the piece. Try and rework the last two lines a bit, and keep up the good work!
I agree with Hope about the slight forced rhyme and the cliché. You have a nice style, but that's really all this poem seems to me: nice. It's not an awe inspiring piece of work, but it's not bad, not bad at all.
I think you should work on getting some more original ideas that you can incorporate into your poem, and perhaps find a new style. You could always try free form!
~Amy
okay, so it's not the most original work- With "His golden hair", "Oh why did he leave me?" And other such overused things. But, it's alright. Overall it's an okay poem, it doesn't really stand out to me, but it's definitely one of the better "Oh I still love him, but he left me", poems.
But keep writing, and you'll improve.The rhyming was pretty... at times felt a little forced like here.
thank you! that makes me so happy to get a good comment!
Oh, this piece is beautiful! I absolutely love it and don't think you should change a thing.