Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The soft click-clack of her heels against the perfectly polished office tiling resounded in her own ears louder than anyone else’s. She could hear the soft whispering of the fabric of her clothing as she moved and she could hear her own heartbeat, beating at a smooth, steady pace in her chest.
There wasn’t anyone in the main offices, the cubicles all sat empty and silent, making the sounds of her heels all that much louder in her own ears. There was a strip of light that fell across the floor down a hallway and the woman headed towards it, her footsteps becoming quieter as they stepped onto the carpeting of the hallway.
A heavy oak door was ajar, which was the source of the light, and a smile came to her face. It wasn’t a happy smile; it was a cruel smile one that was filled with malice. With a peek into the slightly opened door, she saw a once handsome man sitting behind the large wooden desk of his highly decorated office, scribbling his signature on a set of documents.
The man didn’t even look up as she pushed the door fully open, for it swung inward on silent hinges and because he most likely didn’t see her. Her keen ears heard the ticking of the grandfather clock that sat in the corner, the soft scratching noise of the pen against paper, and loudest of all, the man’s heart beating in his chest at a steady pace.
The door’s soft click as it shut and the sound of the deadbolt sliding into place finally made the man realize that he wasn’t alone and forced him to look up at the woman. She gracefully crossed the room and sat down in the grand leather chair positioned in front of the desk without a word.
The man set his hands on the desk in front of him, showing no sign of alarm at the woman’s appearance, nor that she had locked the door. He appeared to be rather calm with the whole situation; however, it was the fear and worry in his eyes that gave his façade away.
“How did you get in here?” A bead of sweat ran down his left temple, and the woman in front of him again smiled her cruel smile.
“Now now Mr. Banks, we aren’t scared of a lady, are we?” She flashed her perfect white teeth at him in an amused smile and gave a laugh that was like the tinkling of a wind chime, but somehow full of malice. It was a scarily beautiful to hear.
“Those police officers of yours stationed outside the building aren’t very good at their job, they were dead within seconds.” She gave a harsh laugh, throwing back her head and laughing her tinkling wind chime laugh, it sent shivers down the man’s spine as he reached for his gun hidden in the second desk drawer while her eyes were averted.
The woman snapped her head back down and in one graceful lunge she had pinned the man’s hands against his desk. If he hadn’t known what this woman was, the perfectly curving white nails that had appeared where her once normal human fingernails had been would have frightened him. But the nails, or more correctly, claws —they curved delicately to a fine, sharp point, and were a pearly white, much like a cat’s claw—pierced into his skin, and he was sure he was bleeding beneath the gray of his ten thousand dollar suit.
The woman’s brown eyes has had changed, becoming a glowing green with a slited vertical pupil, that combined with her claws, gave her the overall semblance of a cat, but while still being human.
“I wouldn’t reach for the gun, Mr. Banks; this is a civil conversation, is it not?” The woman tilted her head to the side, as if listening carefully. Unknown to the man, but heard through the woman’s keen hearing, sirens blared, making their way towards the office building. Someone had noticed the police officers.
When the man did not reply, she carried on the conversation herself. “I know you know of her existence, and you’d be wise to keep it to yourself. Or things might end rather badly,” she picked up a picture of the man’s family that was sitting on the desk and raked her nails down the glass, making a horrible screeching noise that resounded in the man’s ears. “Your family will be the first to suffer, and I’ll come for you last.”
She set the picture frame down where she’d picked it up from, and started to leave, taking her time in removing her claws from the man’s arm. She turned and walked away with all the grace of a primal ballerina, and turned back once she was at the door.
She waved a perfectly manicured —and human— finger at the man, “No harm will come to her,” her claws appeared in the blink of an eye, “or you shall die.”
She was long gone before the sounds of the sirens finally reached the man’s human ears, and soon there was the sound of pounding feet as armed officers came rushing down the hallway. They found the man in his office, seated at his desk with a look of bewilderment on his face.
“What is the meaning of this?” He stood, asking the officers, his façade of acting like nothing had happened perfectly sound and stable, with no sign of cracking or slipping up.
“Mr. Banks, the officers stationed here were found with their throats slashed in front of the building, we came to make sure you were alright.”
“Well, I’m fine, now please, remove yourselves from my office,” he huffed, sitting back down in his chair and smoothed down his suit as the officers made their way out of the room with mutters of apologies in his direction. When the door was firmly shut, he walked over and clicked the lock into place, and returned to his seat.
After a few minutes of internally debating, he picked up the phone and dialed a number with a shaking hand. After a few rings, a man picked up, and said in a deep, gruff voice, “What is it?”
“They are here and they know of our existence.” The man took a deep breath, “They know we tried to kill the girl.”
“Then they are the ones who stopped the plan midcourse?”
“I’m afraid so, Miguel,” the man answered, and stood up walking over to the wet bar and pouring himself a glass of bourbon and sitting back down. Miguel was silent, he seemed to either be thinking, or not having anything else to say.
“So, they would wage a war for this girl?” Miguel asked after minutes of empty silence between the two of them.
The man looked at the picture frame on his desk, his two kids and his smiling wife, their images all marred by three long claw marks running down the glass. “Yes, I think they would.”
“Then it’s time we declared war on the Yáta,” Miguel said, sounding confident. “Let them know we won’t stand in the shadows and take their abuse. Let them know that we will destroy their race the way it should have been destroyed years ago.”
The man remained silent as Miguel continued his ranting, stating how they would annihilated the race of cat-people who called themselves Yáta. The only thing the man wanted was justice, justice for the love of his life, the woman who was slaughtered by those beasts.
His dear sweet Margaret, who had been walking home one night, and had had her throat slashed open in order to tell him that they were watching him and could hurt him anytime they chose to.
They would end, forever. And he wasn’t going to miss a minute of the action.
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Hey! I'm dawn here for a review..
First of all, the last sentence was my favorite. So I'm not going to say anything about the grammar, because several people have already covered it, so I guess I'm just going to say for the over all story. I loved how mysterious and suspenseful it was. You could clearly see that there will be a lot of drama between Miguel and some of the characters. I think that you could really go far with this story, so keep writing!
Thanks so much! I think this is one of my favorite stories that I've written.
Hello there, and welcome to YWS!
First, nitpicks.
There should be a semicolon after "offices", because it's linking two independent clauses. Also, the word "all" isn't necessary.
This sentence starts out very elegantly, but at the end, you added, "and because he most likely didn't see her." That just threw off the whole style. I recommend changing the end of that, or just removing it entirely.
Are her ears really so keen that she can hear somebody else's heartbeat? I can understand hearing your own heartbeat, if you're hyperaware and it's quiet, but somebody elses' seems a bit unrealistic to me, unless they have super hearing.
The word "a" isn't necessary here. I also want to suggest that you change the word "scarily" to something like "frighteningly" or "terrifyingly", because I'm not generally fond of the word "scary". It sounds a bit childish to me. You don't have to do this at all; it's just a suggestion. Whatever floats your boat.
The bit of the sentence that I italicized was very repetitive. I suggest rephrasing it so that you don't use the word "laugh" three times.
Also, forget what I said about the woman being able to hear the man's heartbeat earlier. I was wrong. She's a cat lady, so she does actually have super hearing. The reason I didn't just edit that bit out of the review was because that was good foreshadowing, even though I didn't pick up on it. Nice work!
Those were all the nitpicks I could find. So now it's content time!
This was really suspenseful. It's not very often that a work has my heart beating in anticipation. You captured the sinister nature of the cat woman very well, especially in the beginning. I kept picturing her as Madame Kovarian from Doctor Who. Definitely creepy. The tension was fantastic, and it makes me want to read more. Nothing like a good old-fashioned threat to pull readers into a story, eh?
I also liked your descriptive writing. It painted a picture in my mind of what was going on. However, there were a few times where it all seemed a bit melodramatic to me, like the fact that this was suspenseful and urgent was being shoved into our faces. Maybe tone it down a bit?
Overall though, you did a great job capturing the attention of readers and describing the action. Please notify me when you have chapter 1 up!
Keep on writing!
Those nitpicky things are really helpful, thanks! I know that it probably still needs some work, since it's still a first draft. I'm glad that overall you liked it! And I was about to post the first chapter, since I have a few of these written up.
Hi there, FantasyWriterGirl15! I'm here for a review.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Wow, you have some talent. This was an incredibly interesting start to your story and, I have to say, you've got me hooked!
I like the fact that you presented the Yáta as a badass race while still making them out to be the victim. Even though the first time they were introduced was through throat slashing and threatening an innocent family, I still somehow wanted to root for them. I guess I admired the protectiveness they had towards this mysterious girl that I want to know more about!
My favorite part of this piece of writing is when Mr. Banks and Miguel are talking on the phone. You had some great dialogue there and just enough description in between the talking. Very well done.
There are a few grammatical errors, but with a thorough revision, you should be all good to go! I cannot wait to read more.
XOXO
Anabelle
Thanks so much! This is still a first draft, so the grammatical errors are to be expected.
Yes, of course. Oh, and welcome to YWS!