War-Zone, a desert, the only server in all of Dynamica that allows mass war and destruction. After the New Pangea Wars, I thought we'd never have to fight again. I stand corrected.
"I.I.S., please call Sylvia at HQ," I say. The I.I.S., also known as 'eyes' is an implantation given to you the second you enter Dynamica. It's the universal remote of this world inside your weaker eye. Dynamica isn't a place on Earth, it's a virtual world created by Integrated Intelligence after the New Pangea Wars destroyed everything. I.I. created this place as an escape from Earth, an escape from the war, an escape from New Pangea.
After being taken out of existence and taken here, people from Earth can redefine themselves. But now Dynamica is being destroyed by this new enemy, and I can't just let that happen.
"Lucas, what is it? Sylvia says in her usually frank voice. In Dynamica, there were no standards for humans, since you could just change your appearance at will, so Sylvia went all out on her appearance. Pink hair, light eyes, her dream look.
"I need some troops to report to War-Zone, we're being attacked." I couldn't waste time, "I.I.S., I need you to scan for vitals." I say. Through the I.I.S., a dot appears, then another, and another until all I saw was dots.
"This won't be easy," I murmur to myself. The troops started pouring in just in time.
"Commander Luthor, reporting for duty, sir!" Since I joined the Dynamica Protection Force, I was promoted to Captain of the Epsilon Squadron. "Luthor, we have multiple vitals approaching, you and your men will follow me." I equipped my D.P.F. Captain's blade. "NOW, CHARGE!!!"
Running down the hill with an army of soldiers behind you really does make you feel badass.
I start giving out commands to my troops, "Commander Luthor, scatter everyone as much as possible!" The D.P.F. Captain's Blade isn't just some prize you get upon becoming captain, it is so much more. I yell, "D.P.F. BLADE, ENERGY BURST MODE!" This command turns my sword to a gun in an instant, and I lock onto the opponents.
Every burst of energy landed scored me some coin and kills. You might have thought this was a video-game designed like real life, but no. It's the real world designed like a video-game. Every death is real, and every coin has value.
As everyone skirmished, I was calling for a vehicle summon.
"Sylvia, I need a Land Cruiser at my coordinates, stat!" I rushed through slashing at weaklings to even the battlefield.
"Land Cruiser active!" Sylvia said. I could see it a bit ahead.
"On it!" I reply. I jump into the cruiser once I get to it and zoom off to their base at the corner of War-Zone's volcanic region. This would be a war they write in the history books, or more like history videos, seeing as how books are irrelevant in a virtual society.
It was 5 years since that battle, people started to rebel the system of Dynamica, protesting its unfairness, as people could get away with almost anything while some people just want to live normal lives. Now they've turned on I.I., and I wasn't ready for the truth of the corrupted world I swore to protect.
As part of the Dynamica Rebellion, I will destroy I.I.!
To be continued...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This is a short chapter, so here's my short review:
1. Like I had mentioned in the text above, the chapter is rather short. I would suggest trying to
the best of your abilities to make it longer without diluting the quality. Just a suggestion.
2. "You might have thought this was a video-game designed like real life, but no. It's the real
world designed like a video-game. Every death is real, and every coin has value."
This was confusing to me at first, and is still mildly puzzling. Does that mean this is taking
place outside of the video game, when we were given the impression that it was within it?
After further analysis that is proven false, but the way it was phrased threw me off. If it is
a video game, how is death real?
3. As I touched in the point above, things require more explanation than they are given.
These things include the I.Is motives, how I.I.S. works and how it fits into society, the
War, New Pangaea, and so on, to help get a better understanding of what is happening.
4. Give more vivid descriptions. The ones you have are very good, but somehow they just
don't quite give a mental picture. Include colors, emotions, movement, anything that
would help someone visualize. At the moment the descriptions seem to only advance the
plot rather than establishing a setting.
5. Toss in some unique ideas and unexpected twists for the future, something that separates
it from the crowd. This is a interesting concept, don't get me wrong, but have some
unexpected surprises in store to keep it interesting
Hope this Helps!
Hello! Here to review <3
**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**
Let's get into it!
Grammar:
*history
*its
Story
Right off the bat, this a little short for a chapter, so I'm interested to see if you put enough in it for it to feel complete.
Is the desert named War-Zone? or was it "a" war zone?
Svlvia or Sylvia?
oooooohhhh, so it's a typo
I really do like this as an opening, I just think it could be longer. It just cuts off so suddenly. But I like the action and I'm intrigued.
Tag me if you post more!
- Delonie
Thanks, I fixed the typos and grammatical issues.
Also, it's a server in Dynamica, and the name is War-Zone.
that's what I thought
Hey, guys! Before making TBB: The Tale of Ye'Dunn, I decided to release a new type of story to keep you busy before the release of TTOY. Please let me know your thoughts, and I might continue this series!