Good luck on Nano! I didn't have the courage or the willpower to do it this year. Maybe next year.
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Coriacan, a young woodland elf with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, ran down the hall, following his younger brother, Corin. Father had called them all to his chamber, and none of them knew why.
As he approached the door he saw his younger sister, Corina, standing there, waiting patiently, he shook his head, Always one step ahead of me. Corin stopped to catch his breath and then motioned to Coriacan to open the door.
The large room, with it’s high vaulted ceilings and beautiful woodwork was the pride of the woodland elves, nothing can surpass it’s beauty. Their father, Rotiderian, king of the woodland elves, sats in the middle of the room and quietly turns and motions for his three children to sit around him, cushions have been set on the floor in a circle. They sit, and look at their father, his long gray hair is colored with age and deep blue eyes are full of wisdom.
“My children,” he says leaning towards them with a smile, “I have a wonderful announcement to make, Coriacan has been given his first major assignment by the brotherhood council.”
Coriacan’s heart jumps into his throat, My first major assignment! He thought, the adrenaline pumping through his head but where to? He stops and looks at his father, Rotiderian just smiles back and motions for him to stand; he does and can feel the stares of his younger siblings on him, stares of admiration and awe.
“You are being sent into the treeling lands,” Rotiderian continued, a wide smile filling his face,
“You are to try and capture a treeling warrior and bring it back to Haw Trin for questioning. This is a important assignment, Coriacan, not one to be taken lightly, you were one of ten brothers that were offered the mission, all the others declined.”
“I do not father.” Coriacan declared, “I will fulfill this mission to the best of my abilities.”
Rotiderian stood and placed a hand on his son’s shoulder, Coriacan was taller then his father and a great warrior, his archery skills were unmatched, though he had won no great tournaments. Once he had been asked why he had not entered in any, his response was simple.
“I know my own abilities, why should I use them to win some princess of men.”
Rotiderian was proud of him, and he took him to the outfitting room near the southern gate of Rendwen, here he gave him his first elven sword, taking the one that he himself had made. Coriacan waited till dawn the next morning to leave, he spent the night in prayer to the Lord of the Stars, praying for safety and a quick return. Rotiderian’s prayers were the same for his son.
The next morning Coriacan set out, heading south across the Mârian lands. After traveling for a week at a slow pace, he began to stop at the inns and ask after the recent treeling raids. He knew the land well and a plan began to form in his head. If he could make his way to Por Mortal and capture one of the generals of the treeling army, great honor would be given to him.
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A week later he neared the dark treeling city, he drew a cape over his elvish ears and entered the foreboding place. Here he began to investigate the city, memorizing the streets and alleys, everything was grand, made of marbles of black and gray even here on the edges of the city, as he neared the center of the city he noticed that the streets became straighter and all pointed towards a great black castle at the center of the city, he approached the city and watched it, the guards changed at dawn and dusk and treelings flowed in and out of the immense fortress,
One day while observing the castle he saw a slim figure on top of the immense wall, looking closer he saw that it was a women, a girl really from the way that she walked behind the taller figure before her. She wore a long green gown flowing behind her, a bow was strung across her back and a long scimitar hung at her side. Everyday after this Coriacan looked forward to seeing the women. He found out from the owner of an inn that it was the princess Eleska, daughter of Elerka, she walked the walls with her father, learning the ways of her people, the laws that governed them.
After a few more days he decided to enter the castle, he was successful at passing through the great round gates unnoticed but after a few days of this he was caught and taken to the queen, Elerka.
Elerka sat on her throne and watched the elf prince approach her, his face contorted in pain, her men had discovered that he was the son of Rotiderian, lord of Rendwen. As the young elf fell on the floor before her she watched him. His head raised and caught her eye but then quickly turned away, he looked to her left and saw her husband but he did not linger their either, when he looked to her right his eyes froze on her daughter, Eleska.
Coriacan’s breath caught in his throat at the site of the treeling princess, she was the most beautiful creature that he had ever seen, her short gray hair draped gracefully over her pointed ears, there was something strange about her ears, something strange about all treeling ears, for you see they are not pointed in the fashion of the elves but at the top and bottom so they looked thin and stretched, Eleska’s cut up through her gray locks and made her pale face look more innocent. She smiled at Coriacan; his well-built figure could not be hidden by the thick cloak that he wore.
Fifteen years later….
A cry broke the silence, a cry of a baby, this was the first of three babies born that night. The third born to Eleska, she smoothed out the anxiety from her face and looked down at her small child, a girl, a beautiful little girl, her treeling ears sitting gracefully next to her small head, her hair was not quite gray and not quite blonde, the trouble with mixed bloods. She winced as the pangs rang out again, another child? She thought puzzled. Yes it was two more, a boy and then a girl, the children’s father, Coriacan, entered the room and sat beside her, he smiled down at the children, and then kissed each on the forehead naming them as he did so.
"Eleske……Eluke……..Eluk……….."
Good luck on Nano! I didn't have the courage or the willpower to do it this year. Maybe next year.
Okay I get the point editing is desperetly needed (maybe tommorow with NaNoWriMo i am pooped right now) anyway yeah their names are really similar, but that has a lot to do with their culture (so it's kind of unavoidable ) anyway I'll be working on this more and hopefully get the edited version up here soon
I'll try to come back later. I don't have a lot of time.
From what I read, Silverstar seemed point out most of the important stuff. You really need to edit. Be careful of consistency with tense, comma splices and runons.
In case you don't know, here's a comma splice:
This is an important assignment, Coriacan, not one to be taken lightly. (<--PERIOD!) You were one of ten brothers that were offered the mission. (PERIOD!) All the others declined. (PERIOD!)This is a important assignment, Coriacan, not one to be taken lightly, you were one of ten brothers that were offered the mission, all the others declined.
Hey!
Thanks for the great review, I appreciate any advice (and I mean any, I keep asking the same people what they think and I keep getting the same answers. I'll be going through and editing tommorow, after I get some writing done for NaNoWriMo. Well gtg!
Nice story, from waht I can see. Elves are always good! Try to look through, I see a number of commas where there should be periods.
~
Coriacan, a young woodland elf with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes...
...he shook his head, Always one step ahead of me.
The large room, with it’s high vaulted ceilings and beautiful woodwork was the pride of the woodland elves, nothing can surpass it’s beauty. Their father, Rotiderian, king of the woodland elves...
Coriacan’s heart jumps into his throat, My first major assignment! He thought, the adrenaline pumping through his head but where to?
he does and can feel the stares of his younger siblings on him, stares of admiration and awe.
“You are being sent into the treeling lands,” Rotiderian continued, a wide smile filling his face,
“You are to try and capture a treeling warrior and bring it back to Haw Trin for questioning. This is a important assignment, Coriacan, not one to be taken lightly, you were one of ten brothers that were offered the mission, all the others declined.”
Coriacan was taller then his father and a great warrior, his archery skills were unmatched, though he had won no great tournaments. Once he had been asked why he had not entered in any, his response was simple.
“I know my own abilities, why should I use them to win some princess of men.”
Points: 890
Reviews: 17
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