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The Time of the Treelings - Prologue

by FantasyTeen


Coriacan, a young woodland elf with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, ran down the hall, following his younger brother, Corin. Father had called them all to his chamber, and none of them knew why.

As he approached the door he saw his younger sister, Corina, standing there, waiting patiently, he shook his head, Always one step ahead of me. Corin stopped to catch his breath and then motioned to Coriacan to open the door.

The large room, with it’s high vaulted ceilings and beautiful woodwork was the pride of the woodland elves, nothing can surpass it’s beauty. Their father, Rotiderian, king of the woodland elves, sats in the middle of the room and quietly turns and motions for his three children to sit around him, cushions have been set on the floor in a circle. They sit, and look at their father, his long gray hair is colored with age and deep blue eyes are full of wisdom.

“My children,” he says leaning towards them with a smile, “I have a wonderful announcement to make, Coriacan has been given his first major assignment by the brotherhood council.”

Coriacan’s heart jumps into his throat, My first major assignment! He thought, the adrenaline pumping through his head but where to? He stops and looks at his father, Rotiderian just smiles back and motions for him to stand; he does and can feel the stares of his younger siblings on him, stares of admiration and awe.

“You are being sent into the treeling lands,” Rotiderian continued, a wide smile filling his face,

“You are to try and capture a treeling warrior and bring it back to Haw Trin for questioning. This is a important assignment, Coriacan, not one to be taken lightly, you were one of ten brothers that were offered the mission, all the others declined.”

“I do not father.” Coriacan declared, “I will fulfill this mission to the best of my abilities.”

Rotiderian stood and placed a hand on his son’s shoulder, Coriacan was taller then his father and a great warrior, his archery skills were unmatched, though he had won no great tournaments. Once he had been asked why he had not entered in any, his response was simple.

“I know my own abilities, why should I use them to win some princess of men.”

Rotiderian was proud of him, and he took him to the outfitting room near the southern gate of Rendwen, here he gave him his first elven sword, taking the one that he himself had made. Coriacan waited till dawn the next morning to leave, he spent the night in prayer to the Lord of the Stars, praying for safety and a quick return. Rotiderian’s prayers were the same for his son.

The next morning Coriacan set out, heading south across the Mârian lands. After traveling for a week at a slow pace, he began to stop at the inns and ask after the recent treeling raids. He knew the land well and a plan began to form in his head. If he could make his way to Por Mortal and capture one of the generals of the treeling army, great honor would be given to him.

-------------------------

A week later he neared the dark treeling city, he drew a cape over his elvish ears and entered the foreboding place. Here he began to investigate the city, memorizing the streets and alleys, everything was grand, made of marbles of black and gray even here on the edges of the city, as he neared the center of the city he noticed that the streets became straighter and all pointed towards a great black castle at the center of the city, he approached the city and watched it, the guards changed at dawn and dusk and treelings flowed in and out of the immense fortress,

One day while observing the castle he saw a slim figure on top of the immense wall, looking closer he saw that it was a women, a girl really from the way that she walked behind the taller figure before her. She wore a long green gown flowing behind her, a bow was strung across her back and a long scimitar hung at her side. Everyday after this Coriacan looked forward to seeing the women. He found out from the owner of an inn that it was the princess Eleska, daughter of Elerka, she walked the walls with her father, learning the ways of her people, the laws that governed them.

After a few more days he decided to enter the castle, he was successful at passing through the great round gates unnoticed but after a few days of this he was caught and taken to the queen, Elerka.

Elerka sat on her throne and watched the elf prince approach her, his face contorted in pain, her men had discovered that he was the son of Rotiderian, lord of Rendwen. As the young elf fell on the floor before her she watched him. His head raised and caught her eye but then quickly turned away, he looked to her left and saw her husband but he did not linger their either, when he looked to her right his eyes froze on her daughter, Eleska.

Coriacan’s breath caught in his throat at the site of the treeling princess, she was the most beautiful creature that he had ever seen, her short gray hair draped gracefully over her pointed ears, there was something strange about her ears, something strange about all treeling ears, for you see they are not pointed in the fashion of the elves but at the top and bottom so they looked thin and stretched, Eleska’s cut up through her gray locks and made her pale face look more innocent. She smiled at Coriacan; his well-built figure could not be hidden by the thick cloak that he wore.

Fifteen years later….

A cry broke the silence, a cry of a baby, this was the first of three babies born that night. The third born to Eleska, she smoothed out the anxiety from her face and looked down at her small child, a girl, a beautiful little girl, her treeling ears sitting gracefully next to her small head, her hair was not quite gray and not quite blonde, the trouble with mixed bloods. She winced as the pangs rang out again, another child? She thought puzzled. Yes it was two more, a boy and then a girl, the children’s father, Coriacan, entered the room and sat beside her, he smiled down at the children, and then kissed each on the forehead naming them as he did so.

"Eleske……Eluke……..Eluk……….."


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Wed Nov 02, 2005 1:01 am
Silverstar says...



Good luck on Nano! I didn't have the courage or the willpower to do it this year. :D Maybe next year.




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Wed Nov 02, 2005 12:35 am
FantasyTeen says...



Okay I get the point editing is desperetly needed (maybe tommorow with NaNoWriMo i am pooped right now) anyway yeah their names are really similar, but that has a lot to do with their culture (so it's kind of unavoidable :-)) anyway I'll be working on this more and hopefully get the edited version up here soon




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Wed Nov 02, 2005 12:25 am
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J. Haux wrote a review...



I'll try to come back later. I don't have a lot of time.

From what I read, Silverstar seemed point out most of the important stuff. You really need to edit. Be careful of consistency with tense, comma splices and runons.

In case you don't know, here's a comma splice:

This is a important assignment, Coriacan, not one to be taken lightly, you were one of ten brothers that were offered the mission, all the others declined.
This is an important assignment, Coriacan, not one to be taken lightly. (<--PERIOD!) You were one of ten brothers that were offered the mission. (PERIOD!) All the others declined. (PERIOD!)

Runons are self-explanetory. Just remember that they don't have to be long. I saw I ran. <--run-on

Like Silverstar said, look out for bits of info that aren't immediately important. Keep with the action. Show, don't tell. All that jazz. :D

I can't tell very much about the story line yet, as you've barely begun here. Also, it's the prologue so...I don't know very much the body of the story. The forward to the babies was rather abrupt. And those poor kids! Their names are so similar! My sister and I both have names that start with E, and our yet-to-be-born sibling will probably be Elana.




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Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:36 pm
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FantasyTeen says...



Hey!


Thanks for the great review, I appreciate any advice (and I mean any, I keep asking the same people what they think and I keep getting the same answers. I'll be going through and editing tommorow, after I get some writing done for NaNoWriMo. Well gtg!




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Tue Nov 01, 2005 5:35 pm
Silverstar wrote a review...



Nice story, from waht I can see. Elves are always good! Try to look through, I see a number of commas where there should be periods.

~

Coriacan, a young woodland elf with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes...


Always remember the rule show, don't tell. It makes things go smoother. For example, maybe,
'Coriacan ran down the hall after his brother, Corin. The elf's long blonde hair sparkled like gold, and his blue eyes flashed...'
Not a very good example, but you get my drift. Also, you don't have to put all the description in at once. Space it out, saying he has blond hair here, and mentioning his blue eyes some other time.

...he shook his head, Always one step ahead of me.


Since it is his thoughts, it is best to show that. The prefered way seems to be by italicies.

The large room, with it’s high vaulted ceilings and beautiful woodwork was the pride of the woodland elves, nothing can surpass it’s beauty. Their father, Rotiderian, king of the woodland elves...


Here, you leave the action and go into description. This loses the flow of the story. Intersperse the description with the story, weave them together.

Suggestion; 'Rotiderian, king of the woodland elves, sat throned amid the massive splendour...etc.' I also noticed that you changed form past tense to present. Either one is fine, but remember to keep it consistent.

Coriacan’s heart jumps into his throat, My first major assignment! He thought, the adrenaline pumping through his head but where to?


You need to end teh sentence after 'throat.' Italicize the thought, (My first major assignment.) He thought is not necessary, but you can include it if you wish. End the sentence after 'head.'

he does and can feel the stares of his younger siblings on him, stares of admiration and awe.


I would simply put; "He can feel the stares of his siblings..."

“You are being sent into the treeling lands,” Rotiderian continued, a wide smile filling his face,
“You are to try and capture a treeling warrior and bring it back to Haw Trin for questioning. This is a important assignment, Coriacan, not one to be taken lightly, you were one of ten brothers that were offered the mission, all the others declined.”


I like this bit here... good job. Minor corrections; probably take out 'a wide smile filling his face.' He was already smiling. (I have trouble with that one- too many smiles) Simply, 'Rotiderian continued. "You are...'
End sentece after 'mission.' '...were offered the mission. All the others declined.'

Coriacan was taller then his father and a great warrior, his archery skills were unmatched, though he had won no great tournaments. Once he had been asked why he had not entered in any, his response was simple.

“I know my own abilities, why should I use them to win some princess of men.”


*cough cough* Infodumping! Never put random bits of history in the middle of your writing if it can at all be avoided. This, while perfectly valid brackground info, is not needed.

This is as far as I got. You did a good job, and remember to keep writing. Keep editing, and perfecting. Never give up! [/quote]





Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do.
— Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham, Questionable Content