The first stanza is good and solid poetry, though it's not quite up to the standards I'm used to getting from you. I do, however, absolutely adore:
...my tired lips well-beaten
paths for your indulgence...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I love the first line. The atmosphere of...longing? that you bring by begging, "Take me..." A very good setting starter.
I, as well, adore this line--and
Although perhaps a bit clichéd, it's still very lovely, indeed.
L1 of S2 is just as enticing as the beginning line, if not more so. In the same stanza you have a brilliant array of imagery—the box, the dream of something similar to concrete angels.
I’m not sure about this. I don’t think I even get it; do you mind explaining what “police teeth” are? I have an idea, but if you could clear that one up...
The next line—“who...three.” seems just like one really long, rather useless/unnecessary statement. I felt like I had to pause there; which I never like to do. I’d recommend just getting rid of it.
I don’t know if it’s meant to be “planet’s” fingers—which the apostrophe, because that would make a little more sense. If not, than please explain that one too :S
The beginning of S3 was not as nice as before—there something about the “So” that throws the harmony off. However—I do adore “ninety-seconds to ask God why”. That is simply brilliant phrasing, end of. But to be followed by the chair hitting the wall? I don’t know, but it just didn’t form in my mind correctly. I see what you mean, but perhaps rephrasing or restructuring?
S3 is complicated. You know I love your imagery—you are the master. But some things don’t really work as images. “Brown of alarm” is one of them.
Holy mother of llama herds, Brad, the ending; last two lines—amazing. Bloody hell, the very last line “when...enough”—I LOVE IT!
Tres bien! Bravo! Encore!
-Evang.
Maybe make it plainer exactly what the poem is about?
Woah. This was so fresh! I wish I could be helpful, but I'm sort of in awe at the moment, so I'll just have to try really, really hard, ok?
The enjambment is perfect throughout, and makes this flow beautifully. The beginning is really direct and powerful, and made me eager to read on. I loved the sibilance of the fourth line, and thought that it bore a really interesting sentiment. Your imagery here is really brilliant. I especially loved "My tired lips well-beaten paths for your indulgence." It was very vivid and interesting. I also enjoyed how you end the verse with "But also", as it aroused my curiosity and kept me really hooked on this.
The second stanza is amazing, and I really loved the first two lines. They were really striking and original. The question you posed was interesting and well phrased. I might suggest a comma after "point", but I'm just being finicky. The personification of pressure was great.
The chair seemed, I thought, to break the scene a little, though it was an interesting concept. Maybe try something that fits in more with where you are in this verse. I'd change the full stop after "again" to a comma.
"Sparrow swoops" is great, it sounds really musical and I think that the way it flows echoes the sparrow's motion.
I'm not sure about
[quote]it's a dog,
he's leaping, and it's a headlight.
I think it sounds a little awkward. I might try "A dog, leaping
and a headlight".
I loved "The ungodly yelp of a slow motion explosion." Your way of phrasing things is really enchanting.
The ending was perfect. It flowed easily, and you expressed yourself brilliantly.It was a really powerful note on which to finish.
I hope that at least some of that was in some way helpful. I really enjoyed this piece.
Blooregard Q. Kazoo--
'Sacral' is chosen for its connotations to the sacred, surely, but also to the sacrum, which is, loosely speaking, that area of the vertebrae consistent with the pelvic region.
Best,
Brad
Don't read this while listening to Flogging Molly. The two don't fit.
Anyhow, your tone remains consistent throughout, and the flow remains uninterrupted. As Fand pointed out, you have a great number of excellent imagery that you employ throughout the poem. The diction used is impeccable, and all the more wondrous as you seem to capture the exact connotation of each word.
There were, however, two issues I had with the poem. The first was the use of the word "Sacral." It interrupted the flow for myself as it's a word you don't encounter very often, and it made me wonder why you simply did not go with "Sacred" instead. Any reason you chose to go with it?
The second issue is the following verse:
The specific part is "it will be." It sounds awkward, and the passive tense makes it sorta odd. Maybe, "...and it will loop ..." would be better?
However, this is an excellent poem. The emotion is real, and there is no hollow shell to be found here. Quite the contrary.
All round, excellent.