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This Posted is Dead. Don't read

by FanClubOfHaters


This Posted is Dead. Don't read. This Posted is Dead. Don't read. This Posted is Dead. Don't read.

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Comments


User avatar
18 Reviews

Points: 2390
Reviews: 18

Donate
Sat Jun 06, 2009 2:30 pm
barney says...



Hey there!

I didn’t see anything, but now I can feel them, sense them, and there were a lot of them.


This was that damn cat's fault!


It had to be. Why else would I be running for my life being chased by whatever.


I keep telling that cat that I wasn’t a princess,


If I went into the alley then I could probably hide or escape through there,


I had to make a choose quickly, run or alley?


She is a weakling, she is nothing.”


One said, stepping out of the crowd (no 'e') of other werewolves.


Okay, so they could read my mind. I don’t know why it surprised me,

( just a typo :) )

“Good, go report to the head that we captured the weakling Felineus Princess.”


but not soon after the wolf in charged grabbed my arm and slung me towards the wall

-I just thought it lacked the word 'arm'. Or it could just be 'grabbed me and slung..'

“Nice try.” he said, grabbing me by my wrist, lifting me in the air with one hand and using the other to try and pull Snowball out of my hand.


but funny thing instead of complete darkness I was floating in my mind (I took out the 's').


Okay, I'll stop here. Your story is quite long :). My mom's telling me to go to bed. Sorry once again! I hope i helped once more.

-barney




User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 5

Donate
Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:33 pm
FanClubOfHaters says...



Thank you for your help. I am going to start editing right away. I hope you can finish and help some more. Thanks.




User avatar
18 Reviews

Points: 2390
Reviews: 18

Donate
Wed Jun 03, 2009 10:23 am
barney wrote a review...



Hello fanclubofhaters, barney here!

All my corrections are in bold letters..

Zanderbell watched over the princess, while she slept.


He knew she wasn’t feeling well and she was very distracted the knights anymore and he understood why.

:arrow: i don't get this sentence. Typo maybe?

The only option the princess had was to go back to OFG

what's OFG? i think you should type in the acronym later on in the story after you have written the whole word for your readers to understand.

Each minute he spent protecting the princess


He had to protector her it was his duty.

somehow that sentence just seem wrong. Why don't you try something like, 'He had to protect her because it was his duty.'

but before he even closed his eyes, his senses went on red alert.


Turning his attention to the princess, “Daphne wake up!”


they gathered three more.


it was going to be enough of a challenge taking on seven


After waiting for five minutes he realized that something was wrong,


Casting out his senses, Zanderbell understood what was going on, it was a trap and he fell for it. The target they were after was the Princess, and this was just a diversion.


Taking off in the direction with all his speed.

Try, 'He took off to the direction the princess was headed.'

Okay, this isn't complete yet because i only read the first part. I'm busy doing a project and reviewing your work at the same time. But I'll return to review the next part.
Anyway, your story is nice but i noticed that you have run-on sentences. Try cutting them into smaller sentences so it wouldn't be confusing.

I hope i helped for this part of the story.
I'll be back!
PM me if you have questions :)





Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain