The Day All the Roses Died

Thank you ^^

Wow this was really good. I loved the environmental part in this and the way you made it relate to the bigger picture. Especially loved the way the roses symbolize soooo many things in life. Excellent job with this! Gold star for you!!

fluteluvr77

Beautiful. Original. Moving. Simple. Lovely.

That is all I can say about this.

~Sunny

There was at least one comment that it might be better to take rhyming out. I just want to check, would that entail hunting them and exterminating them? I'm guessing it would be more changing places that are rather forced, I.e froth and across.

Ok, here is the present version of the poem, with some notes on your comments.


The Day All the Roses Died

One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just a few at a time.
Not everyone noticed right away,
many only learned on Valentines Day,

The scientists went into action.
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs.
And bringing out products that on close inspection.
Were nothing like the roses we used to have.

In stores and shops, across the land.
The show must go on, for the entrepreneurial hand.
Roses of plastic, plaster and tack.
So the good old consumer knows nothing’s out of whack.

Environmentalists go into a howling froth.
Hands to their guns and eyes all across.
Corporations hide, point fingers and blame.
Play the “everyone but me” accusation game.

As for the rest, for all the plain folk.
Unless we’re green thumbed, we don’t give a poke.
We’re too busy to care, we have our own lives.
As we scurry around our city hives.

And what do I, the writer, think?
As I kneel down, lost on the brink.
I just take a moment, to write this odd rhyme.
And say, I remember roses, I remember that time.



I have fixed the comma/period problem, which seemed to be the main error here. The other thing several people commented on was the third and fourth stanza, about it not flowing with the rhyming scheme. I haven't come up with anything to replace that.

There was at least one comment that it might be better to take rhyming out. I just want to check, would that entail hunting them and exterminating them? I'm guessing it would be more changing places that are rather forced, I.e froth and across.

I fixed several other suggestions, removed extra words.

On the subject of roses, the important thing is the idea to me, not the roses. It could be The Day All the Porpoises Died, except that wouldn't be nearly as poetic, and this being a poem I went with roses. Actually, when I wrote this, part of my theme was that I didn't know about my subject. I'm not a scientist, a politician, I guess I am a little bit environmentalist, but I really don't know much about my subject. All I know, in this theoretical world, is that all the roses have died, I don't know why, but I'm taking a moment to say I remember.

I really like this! You showed what really is happening to our environment, and how we should take better care of it. It takes a good writer to put real world issues into words. Anyway, I really enjoyed this poem, and I'm happy you posted it

wow.........that was AWESOME!!!!



but i was a bit confused here

And bringing out products that on close inspection.

it jus didn't fit to me.

but i think you did great with connecting with the reader and u made me miss roses within the tym i was reading

RockGoddess wrote:You seem to use fullstops nearly all of the time you should try useing commas or semi - colons, this would give a better effect to you're writing

You seem to use fullstops nearly all of the time you should try useing commas or semi - colons, this would give a better effect to you're writing

Valentine's Day... that could be really ironic, and it would make sense . I say go for it. It's sort of satirical, like, people don't notice unless it involves them.

As for the bees... They've gone back to their home planet of Mellia! (Doctor Who, anyone? No... well, that's their explanation for it). No, I can't really explain the fact that the bees are disappearing. But I did actually have that going through my mind while reading it. Sorry, I didn't see the edited version. It reads much better than the original.

If you need anything else, just shout!

-Stella.

Hi everyone,

There are many, many comments to analyze here, and tomorrow or Monday I am going to try to do some editing. Thank you for all the responses again, since I last said something similar. Does anyone have any comments on the change from "Just this last may" to " Valentines day" I posted below the original.

I guess I should leave the interpretation of the poem for each person to do individually, for myself it is about remembering. The roses are really just an example, the idea came from the disappearance of many bee species.

Ryan

Hey there m'dear, and welcome to YWS! Let me introduce myself, I am Stella or whatever else you may like to call me, and I shall be your reviewer today.

I. NITPICKS

just a few at a time.

just this last may.

And what do I, the writer of this, think?

Mmm, I'm impressed, a very worthy effort! I struggle to become emotionally involved in most of the political [broadly political, that is, not necessarily party-political] poetry I read, the majority just seems whiny and preachy. This, however, is approached with a great deal of subtlety and tact, of which I very much approve.

You definitely have a gift for picking out images and storylines to get the idea you want across - what I think it holding you back [in this poem particularly] is some of your choice of technique. For example, this could have been made a lot easier without trying to force a rhyme scheme, for example: I know the temptation is to stick rhyme all over it to add another dimension, but without a LOT of experience it usually just makes a poem seem awkward and stilted as you're forced to use unnatural words and expressions to make the rhyme fit. As I've said, your gift of expression is one of your real strengths, and I'd encourage you to drop the idea of rhyme altogether and concentrate on your choice of words and phrases. If there are times where it seems particularly relavent of beautiful, great! Put it in, but other wise make it a secondary priority, and I think your poem will swell with vitality and loveliness, even more so than now

Good luck! I have every faith in you.

Wow. I love it. There's not much for me to comment on because everyone else already has, but:

FamousAuthor wrote:
The scientists went into action.
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs.
And bringing out products that on close inspection.
Were nothing like the roses we used to have.

As for the rest, for all the plain folk.
Unless we’re green thumbed, we don’t give a poke.
We’re to busy to care, we have our own lives.
As we scurry around our city hives.

And what do I, the writer of this, think?
As I kneel down, lost on the brink.
I just take a moment, to write this odd rhyme.
And say, I remember roses, I remember that time.

I thought this was good. I liked the little environmental message in there. Just a few little things. Your rhyme scheme makes sense after the first... 4 stanzas, but its a little hard to follow. You might want to work on that a little. Also, I'm no expert on poetry and rhyming and such but:

Environmentalists go into a howling froth.
Hands to their guns and eyes all across.

Wow
That was fantastic, inspiring, amazing!!! And all sorts of other adjectives!!!

One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just a few at a time.
Some knew in hours, some in days,
Some read it on Google just this last may.

The scientists went into action.
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs.
And bringing out products that on close inspection.
Were nothing like the roses we used to have.

Environmentalists go into a howling froth.
Hands to their guns and eyes all across.
Corporations hide, point fingers and blame.
Play the “everyone but me” accusation game.

this was a very powerful poem,
actually, It almost made me cry... no joke,

its true you know, whether you are alluding to larger issues in life or not, but its true, to love something so much and to have it taken away and replaced by a copy that is far from realistic... plastic has no soul to speak of,

a great job, the rhyme scheme didnt seem too forced, and the rhythm was passable, you messege is definatly the strongest point of the poem though, adn I think you executed that superbly.

roses, innocence, whatnot, they are lost and replaced, take some time to look at the world around you, to see the beauty that is there, but most people are too involved in their own lives to even try to see it.

I think it was an excellent poem, good job,

over and out,
God

It's an attractive poem, and I really enjoyed it.

Just one thing: the punctuation. It needs improvement. Don't go and put a fullstop at all the lines! (Take Stori's advice)

Other than that, this poem was very good. Very specific, very enjoyable. Good job, and keep it up!

Thanks for the feedback and the welcome.

Just some comments and changes on the poem.



One day all the roses died,
Not all at once, just a few at a time. - Stori did you just not like the wording here?
Not everyone noticed right away,
Many only learned (it?) on Valentines day. - Thanks secret, that is a good point.

The scientists went into action. - I can't figure out how to fix this line. I'll have to work on it later.
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs.
And bringing out products that on close inspection,
Were nothing like the roses we used to have.

In stores and shops, across the land,
The show must go on, for the entrepreneurial hand.
Roses of plastic, plaster and tack,
So the good old consumer knows nothing’s out of whack.

Environmentalists go into a howling froth,
Hands to their guns and eyes all across.
Corporations hide, point fingers and blame,
Play the “everyone but me” accusation game.

As for the rest, for all the plain folk,
Unless we’re green thumbed, we don’t give a poke.
We’re too busy to care, we have our own lives,
As we scurry around our city hives.

And what do I, the writer, think? - Cut out "of this"
As I kneel down, lost on the brink.
I just take a moment, to write this odd rhyme,
And say, I remember roses, I remember that time.

Hey, I loved your poem! It's powerful.

On the first stanza, I thought it was hard to downshift from talking about roses, to "some" people who noticed that the roses died.

FamousAuthor wrote:One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just a few at a time.
Some (Roses or people?) knew in hours, some in days,
Some read it on Google just this last may.

FamousAuthor wrote:As for the rest, for all the plain folk.
Unless we’re green thumbed, we don’t give a poke.
We’re to busy to care, we have our own lives.
As we scurry around our city hives.

That was an excellent poem that I truly enjoyed! I caught this one little error:

Some read it on Google just this last may.

Hi, I'm Clue. =)

This was interesting. I think though you used roses as an example, you really meant the meaning to go deeper. This poem had an undercurrent of, "look whats happening to the world." in a sad-ish way. well, thats what i perceived. =) but the use of roses was good, because they're a symbol of loveliness, and gentle beauty. It did have a bit of what i thought was sarcastic humor, which was alright. The humor and sadness combined balances it out.

Well done. Oh, and take Stori's advice. It's good. =)

--Clue.

Oh, I like this. It could use some help with punctuation, but that's what I"m here for.

One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just one at a time.

The scientists went into action.

And what do I, the writer of this, think?