Published December 23, 2009
He jokes with his friends, and acts causally.
He dosen't see, he doesn't know.
He laughs at others, but not at her.
He speaks softly to her when she talks.
He glances at her when she doesn't notice.
He stares at the back of her head in class.
His heart beat quickens when she looks at him.
His breath dissolves when she walks by.
He smiles when she smiles, he cries when she cries.
When he's with her he acts normally,
even though his heart is soaring.
He doesn't know.
She sneaks a look at him, during lunch.
She freezes up, when they lock eyes.
She prays that he is on her bus for field trips.
She laughs when he acts goofy.
She dosen't know.
She walks past his locker,
not noticing that he's looking at her.
Her friends don't understand why.
Her friends tell her to talk to him.
She dosen't know.
He dreams of her night.
He's jealous when she's hanging with her guy friends.
She dosen't know that he loves her.
He dosen't know that she loves him.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,529 Literary Works • 673,399 Reviews
*is confused by the veiled conversations listed above*
umm... I'm here to review?
I would say nix this line, because you've conveyed the same emotion so well in countless other ways, and the he,she,he,she makes me a little dizzy
You may also want to re-make this line because as it stands it's a little long and confuddling.
fix the doesn't typo, and I'd say you're good to go.
It's a good beginning piece, something you can use to grow off of. It has a clear purpose that it charges to until the end.
In other words, good job
**The Universe**
I HATE YOU YOU LITTLE LIAR
EMAIL ME SOON OR I WILL FRIGIN KILL YOU @ SCHOOL ON MONDAY
THIS IS RAE I COMMENTED ON A BUNCH OF UR STUFF NOT KNOWING IT WAS YOU UGGH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MEGAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This poemwas based on somebody having a crush. It was really described well. The feelings that you showed are really very good. However you could have skipped the line
And the spelling of dosen't is in fact doesn't. I think you wrote that intentionally. Otherwise, quite a good poem. Keep it up!teehee i love the addition CREEPER!!!!! lol jk you know i love like a sister!!!
anyway what song? is it 3??? becuase you put that on my ipod....... teehee
lol anyway one thing to work on is
YOU SPELT DOESNT WRONG!!! is dOEsnt not dOSEnt.....lol oh well i spell badly too
ttyl
lylas
great job!
♥☺♥
~Kaity
Grrrr caged heart..... by the way guess what song i got on ipod? By the way, grr!!
teehee i know who this is about!!!!!
lol
but anyway i love it!
i know you dont like it that much, but i love it!
its beautiful!!!
a wonderful poem indeed (lol old word)
What doesn't he know? That kind of bothers me.
Anyway, it's review time:
1. I tried to sing this in my head, and it doesn't sound like Lyric Poetry to me, but it makes a good poem.
2. I think if you re-arranged a few of your lines, it would sound better.
This is a really good poem, like always. You've gotten the lines at similar lengths, except for the (I think you know which one) 5th line. Also, the second to last line is not capitalized at the beginning. Make sure you do that!
Once again, I must bring up the fact that you are not reviewing other people's works. It is a rule on here that you must do that. Plus, it is a win-win situation. By reviewing peoples works, they are more likely to look at your writing and give you feedback. So please review. You must review two writings (or three) for every writing you post.