It's horribly written, I'm sorry, I'm submitting this six minutes before the deadline for LMS...xD I'll edit soon so y'all can read something half decent lol
Chapter name is also soon to come!
~~~~~
The old buildings loomed around her in an almost daunting way, their bricks worn from the wind ant salt and fog. The cobblestones themselves were smooth from the years of feet trekking across them and the sound of the ocean sung musically in the distance. It was all rather serene, really, and it would’ve stayed that way had Mags not noticed something that she rather fancied and, without warning, leapt off Jay’s shoulder and disappeared into the sky in pursuit of something that her mistress could not identify.
“Get yer feathered arse back ‘ere!” she yelled, her heart skipping a beat as she took off after her bird who was dancing on the wind with all the ease of a gull. It wasn’t the first time she’d done this but it never ceased to put her in a panic — she wasn’t so sure that the avian had any kind of homing instinct and didn’t want to lose her only companion.
Mags, of course, ignored her, and ascended in altitude steadily with every beat of her wings, long train falling behind her like a gallant knight’s cape. It was still unclear as the where, exactly, she was going, but she was definitely rather driven and didn’t heed any of Jay’s many unkind words (in at least three languages) and instead opted to land atop the tip of a sign post up the road.
Why she went up there was a mystery to Jay. It wasn’t the first time she’d randomly taken off and utterly ignored her human — and so far she’d obviously come back — but the fact was she could fly faster than Jay could run, and no matter how fleet of foot the young woman was, she couldn’t hope to keep up with a bird on the wing.
Jay skidded to a stop and nearly fell on her backside as she stumbled beneath her pet on the slick rocks. She was unaccustomed to the dampness of the area and this, of course, made running a bit more difficult. Mags’ crest raised as she glanced down towards the thief.
“Don’ ya go laughin’ way at me ‘r nothin, ya fowl beast! Get down ‘ere!” she snapped as she steadied herself and looked up towards the jay-thing.
She leaned forward for a moment as though she were about to fly to Jay, then hesitated, wings still half-spread. There was a moment of tense silence between the two of them.
Jay let out a long breath of relief as her bird unfurled her wings and dropped from her perch and made an almost vertical descent towards her. That moment of happiness was abruptly put to an end as Mags changed directions and took off past Jay’s shoulder and disappeared down the street. She took off after her, crashing through the numerous crates, ropes, and people that were between her and the corvid, apologizing as she bolted through the small groups and earning prompt reprimands in response. She was beginning to figure out why sailors were so well known for their foul tongue.
Unfortunately, this only got worse when she found herself barreling straight through the market street, and in moments she was face-first in a large burlap sack of fish guts, far behind the one she pursued, and buried in whatever she’d tripped on in the first place to put herself in such a predicament.
“What the hell do ya think yer doin’, ey?!” a man was yelling in her ringing ears. She blinked and pulled herself to her feet, smelling strongly of decaying fish.
“Uh, sorry sir, no harm meant, didn’ mean nothin’, fer real,” she smiled weakly and glanced around for the nearest escape route. Stalls of a variety of kinds lined the cobbled street, with everything from fabric to pastries to weapons and fish hooks. There was a small crowd beginning to gather dos ee what all the commotion was about and she was sure it was only a matter of time until the guards showed up to disband things before they got too rowdy.
“Ya go runnin’ ‘round like ain’t no ‘un else ‘ere ’n now yer goin’ ’n makin’ messes!” he bellowed, stepping towards her. He was missing a fair amount of teeth, and those that were left were in none too fine condition.
Jay took a step back and stumbled over the fish she’d just fallen into. “I’m real sorry ’n all, just tryin’ t’ catch me bird, she’s all I’ve got ya see—“
“Get out!” he roared furiously. “NOW!”
She didn’t argue and immediately scrambled to flee, shoving through the crowd as she moved to get away from the very angry fisherman.
She was a good person. This she was sure of, and this she strived to be — a woman of values and kindness and determination. She was also, of course, a woman of flaws, as every one was, and her greatest flaw was one that she was bound to have due to her upbringing as a thief.
She couldn’t resist an opportunity to filch a bit of wealth.
Pushing her way through a crowd in a panicked attempt to escape was, of course, a good time to ply her trade, and as she went through she gently slipped her fingers into the nearest pocket and drew out a wallet. Or, rather, she slipped her fingers into several pockets and came up with what she hoped was at least three gold pieces. However, she had no time to count, and so promptly fled the moment she got the space to take off in a full-fledged run in the opposite direction of the soon-to-be-furious crowd and already-very-pissed fisherman and towards what she hoped was where Mags had disappeared to.
She wasn’t sure how long she ran, but she soon found herself stumbling through a small alley with her heart pounding and her sides heaving. She was fast and was used to running long distances but that had been a real workout, even for her.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello again!! Sorry I've been so slow getting caught up on this story.
I really liked the little twist at the end that she's a thief. I've been waiting to learn a little more about her and what she's like. (I guess looking back I see you told us that in the description of the novel... :p) I thought the introduction of it was a little abrupt and I thought the paragraph abut how everyone has flaws and stealing just so happens to be hers felt a little awkward. I think you could slow down that moment at the end where she steals to maybe weave it into the first part a little more so it doesn't feel so abrupt?
The only other thing I wanted to see in this chapter was more of a sense of place. You describe things and you describe the market, but I'm having trouble seeing the bigger picture of what this world looks like. Big city, little city, town, where in the context of other places or the greater area. I want to know more about the culture, customs, where the MC fits into the societal structure, just more big picture stuff. I know she'll be hitting the high seas at some point, but I want a better feel for this world.
I also agree with Blue (skimmed her review) that you might be starting in the wrong place. I read over the description again and I remembered what attracted me to this story in the first place and there's no sign yet of when she's going to hit the high seas. (And I'm so excited for her to hit the high seas). That's something we can figure out more once we get deeper into the story and that's an easy enough thing to tweak whenever you write the next draft.
I'm going to hop on over to the next segment. Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
So the first thing I want to comment on is this. I have two issues with it.
The first is that it feels very telly. Part of it sounds more like Jay's opinion of herself - "she was a good person, this she was sure of" - in which case telling can actually work, because readers can learn a lot about a character based on what she thinks of herself vs what she actually does (theft, in this case) and what other characters think of her.
But the end of that first paragraph starts to feel more like you, the author, telling us about what Jay's like, which is dull and takes us out of the story.
This is also the first hint I recall of us knowing anything about her being a thief/pickpocket. Which I could be TOTALLY WRONG ABOUT because we all know that it's harder to keep track of a story during LMS, when you're only posting a chapter or half-chapter a week, which gives us all plenty of time to forget what happened in previous parts.
But I feel like this wasn't mentioned in any meaningful way before.
Additionally, the opening scene of the novel, with rum and dancing in the sand on the beach, made it seem like Jay was already a sailor, but at this point I'm pretty sure she's not yet. The mentions of her always wanting to be a sailor almost made it sound like she already was and had finally achieved a childhood dream or something.
On that note, you might be starting the story too early (but I won't know until we get further along). I say that for two reasons. One is, without your notes, I'd have no clue where our story was going or what the Main Plot Stuff was going to look like. The other is that if the Main Plot revolves around these ships going missing, or whatever (I'm fuzzy on the details because how long is it since I read everyone's notes??? too long, probably), then starting off before Jay is even a sailor associated with any ship can take us too long to get to the really important stuff.
It might work anyway, and obviously you're not going to change that in this draft at this point. It's just something to keep in mind for future drafts - the number one thing I heard from the agent panel at my writers conference (they read anonymous first pages and gave feedback) was "this story starts too early." So I'm just thinking about it a lot. But like I said! This could actually work as your beginning - it's hard to tell until we get the whole story, or at least more of it. But just something to keep in mind.
Yeaaahhh I wrote this at 11:30 at night and submitted at 11:59 xD It needs a LOT of editing lol, might eve scrap it tbh. But thanks for the feedback, I'll be sure to take it into account when going back and doing said edits!
For a newly written and rushed story, this is pretty good. My standards are kind of low, since I've just began writing. The dialogue is kind of hard to follow, but that was only because of the archaic writing. If it were me, I wouldn't be all too concerned about whether or not people can read it. The wording gives it an olden flare that makes your story authentic. Overall, I'm quite impressed that a rushed piece of work like this preserves its authenticity. Also your usage of the English language is very skill full. There are some modern flares to your usage of words, but that is understandable. Keep up the good work.