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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Hippocampus: Chapter 1.1 - A Hat, A Bird, & A Curious Character

by Featherstone


A steady drum set the beat and bare feet thumped to the rhythm across wet sand, punctuated by the crackling of a bonfire that popped intermittently over the wild tune of the fiddle, the flute, and the bagpipes. It was an upbeat melody that reminded a blue-eyed dancer of home, of spring meadows and of games in the swift-flowing river. Mostly, though, it was reminiscent of other nights, similar nights, spent under a midnight sky painted silver with stars in celebration of victory.

The dancers moved in perfect tandem with one another. Some dances might be compared with those of birds — soft, fast, precise, the steps taken on the toes in preparation for every leap and bound and spin that might come. This one, however, was not so delicate nor so gentle. It was fast, fun, and brimming with an energy that only came from so many joyous souls in one place at one time moving together.

Jay's hair flew in an onyx stream behind her, decorated with a single red ribbon to hold her braid in place as she spun and stomped with the music. A smile lit up her face as the sun does a morning sky and she found herself lost in the rhythm and the exhilaration of such physical exertion.

It was when morning came that she began to regret her decision. Not the dancing, of course, but, rather, the amount of alcohol that she’d ingested that had proceeded to cause her excessive memory loss of the glorious night before and, though it had offered temporary euphoria, ended with more of a hangover than she really would’ve wished for.

She came to this particular realization when she awakened to an abhorrently loud, high-pitched squawk next to her face and the painful twisting of an ear.

The young woman made an incoherent exclamation of pain and rolled over, swatting at the brilliant blue bird that had been sitting on her to get it off and to go away. The moment she opened her eyes in order to locate and get rid of her assailant she found herself promptly blinded by the glaring sunlight. She snapped another few choice words to no one in particular and buried her face in the jacket she’d ended up using as a pillow on the beach. A headache had already begun to make her entire head throb with every pulse of her heart.

The bird, however, was very persistent, and was quickly back to agitate her. This time it decided to pull on her hair incessantly. Once more she tried to swat it away and again it evaded her, only to return and attempt similar shenanigans until she got up.

“Happy now?” Jay demanded of it, grabbing the jacket and stalking off down the beach in a huff with her eyes squinted against the pale sand and shining ocean off to her right.

The beast alighted upon her shoulder without an answer, as was typical of such a creature. She sniffed disdainfully at the avian and shrugged her jacket on — which displaced the black-throated corvid-like bird and only sufficed to worsen her condition due to the raucous shriek it uttered in protest. Why couldn’t she have found a quieter beast that fateful day three years ago?

She was fourteen when she’d discovered it. To be honest, she didn’t have any idea what it was. At first she thought it was a crow, then a bluebird, and now she was fairly certain it was a jay — but she’d never seen any kind of jay with a tail longer than its body or such an extravagant little crest made of several dark feathers. At some point she’d given up on identifying the companion she now simply knew as “Mags” but found herself wishing daily her voice wasn’t so shrill.

Once she stopped moving around so much the bird calmed down and sat in content silence. She found herself wondering idly where the nearest town was. She must’ve been through one the night before but couldn’t exactly remember where it was or what it was called. Maybe she should’ve listened to Thuki and cut down on her drinking before she left.

Ah, well, it was what it was and she’d been in far worse situations. No one had stolen anything off her (not that she had much worth stealing) and Mags was alive and well, so she didn’t find much reason to worry. Besides, why expend such energy when she could already hardly think through the grogginess and sickness she felt.

She was already halfway down the beach when she stopped dead in her tracks, patting the top of her bare head. Her hat! She spun around with such speed she nearly tripped over her own feet and fell over from vertigo, but luckily was a rather agile fellow despite her lack of sobriety and managed to keep her feet and stumble back towards the ashen sticks of the bonfire and pick her way through the numerous fallen bodies of passed-out men and women who hadn’t been awakened at the crack of dawn by some lousy bird.

It took her longer than it should have to figure out where she’d been asleep and locate the worn leather sailor’s hat. It didn’t look like much. The only thing even remotely noticeable about it was the emerald green, plumulaceous panache sparkling like a gem in the morning sunshine. She picked it up, brushed off the dust, and popped it atop her crown with a sigh of relief; she wouldn’t have known what to do with herself had she lost it.

“You shoulda told me, ya useless feather-brain,” she grumbled to Mags as she started back off down the beach towards civilization. “You’re smart ‘nuff t’ wake me up ’n get in me way ’n pick pockets but ya couldn’ even have told me I was missin’ me hat?”


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Tue Jul 03, 2018 6:41 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



~swoops in~
~even though everything I wanted to review is already out of the Green Room~
~alas~

Anyway.

So I liked the partying and the drinking and the seriously regretting drinking the next morning, especially with the bird there to make the hangover SO MUCH WORSE, but it bugged me that Jay's name went unmentioned for SO LONG into the chapter. Especially since we got mentions of "a blue-eyed dancer" and things like that, which were probably in reference to Jay-before-we-knew-her-name but it always sounds a little awkward. You can get away with it for a little bit, but Jay's name literally didn't come up until about halfway through the chapter. It always sounds a bit like you're going for some mystery, but the main character's name is not something that should be a mystery to readers (unless they've got a fake name/are an unreliable narrator/etc BUT LET'S NOT MUDDY THE WATERS THAT WAY JUST NOW SHALL WE).

Although I see in your response to sound that you said you don't normally write in third-person, in which case I assume that's the problem! Of course in first-person you can go for a good long while without mentioning the narrator's name, because it'd be weird for the narrator to mention their own name like 98% of the time.

100% here for annoying bird sidekick, although I'm confused by "fateful" in reference to the day Jay found her. Or, like, idk, it's just a line that sort of made me roll my eyes a lil bit. Unless it turns out that Mags saves her life later and it turns out it TOTALLY WAS FATEFUL which tbh I could probably see happening when we get to the Big Plot Things, but I guess I'll find out later.

Tbh rn I'm mostly curious to hear more about this hat. It's obviously important to Jay, and I'm assuming it's for more than fashion. Even if it's just "and this hat was all she had when she was younger and dreamed of a life on the sea/in space."




Featherstone says...


THANKS FOR DROPPING BY!

I'll go edit again and mention her name earlier thanks for the feedback, like I said I dunno third person very well yet

AND THERE WILL BE MORE ON THE BIRD AND THE HAT DON'T WORRY



BluesClues says...


lol like sorry to get you on the name AGAIN when I know sound had already mentioned it and you already edited it in once!!! On that note: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT OKAY you don't have to go back and edit rn, GET OUT OF THAT HABIT bc you're going to have weeks later on where you're not done by Tuesday and you need more time to write so do yourself a favor and DO NOT WORRY ABOUT EDITING RN



Featherstone says...


ALRIGHT YOUR ADVICE IS NOTED AND WILL BE FOLLOWED BECAUSE YOU ALREADY DID THIS ONCE AND PULLED IT OFF

and np, it's good to know! 1st person is a pretty different animal than 3rd and identifying the differences really helps :D



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Tue Jul 03, 2018 1:17 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello!! Thank you for tagging me! I'm looking forward to reading this :D

If I remember correctly from the description in the Writers Corner, this story is going to be about a lady pirate (which is great), so of course she needs a bird companion! I liked your description of the bird companion and how you introduced the bird to the story. It reminds me of a wonderful mix of Zazu from the Lion King and Iago from Aladdin :p

I thought this was a good introduction to the story because you're immediately giving us a glimpse of the world without getting bogged down with descriptions or facts. We haven't jumped into the plot yet, but this is still the veeeery beginning of the chapter, so that's just fine!

The only thing I would have liked to see more of was this party. It sounds super fun and I think expanding on the party and showing a little more of the party could be a fun way to introduce your MC and show how she interacts with others and show the reader more of this world. The aftermath of the party is all fine to include, but I think the party would be more interesting to really see. I don't know if anyone else from the party will end up being a major player later, but if so, that would be a great way to introduce us to them.

The only other thing I'm missing in this opening is the MC's name. Like I said, I'm pretty sure I remember that you said it's a female MC, but that's not super apparent from this opening. I can't remember if you give a gender. I'd love to see the MC's name worked in somehow.

Overall, I think you have an intriguing opening and I'm excited to see how you continue this chapter and introduce us to the main conflict! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




Featherstone says...


THANK YOU FOR READING AND REVIEWING!

Her name has now been mentioned! I'm looking at how to add more of the party but I don't know my writing flow can be weird so we'll see but thank you so much for the review! Hope you enjoy the story :D



Carlito says...


You're so welcome!! Looking forward to it :D



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Tue Jul 03, 2018 9:29 am
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soundofmind wrote a review...



YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS I'M SO READY FOR THIS.

Okay I'm gonna start with little things. Are they in order? I'm not sure and I'm sorry if they're not lol but I'm kind of scattered at the moment.

Sand collapsed under their feet as they jigged the night away.


Okay don't get me wrong but......... at this point this felt a LITTLE repetitive. I'm like yes, yes. Much dancing. So bouncing. Lots of sand lol. That's not to say I know uhhhh a way to... fix this (aren't I really helpful ha) but just thought you should know! At this point I'm not really getting any new information and I'm just hearing what was said before in previous paragraphs so I don't think this sentence is necessary really, and I think there are a few spots in this specific paragraph bit that could maybe be trimmed down? Or maybe you could just give me different details! Like what do the other dancers look like maybe? Or if they're dancing around something? Or idk something about the ocean lol idk.

It was when morning came that she began to regret her decision. Not the dancing, of course, but, rather, the amount of alcohol that she’d ingested...


<_< .......... >_> .......... this wasn't inspired by the Mustache and the Beard DTWH thing was it lol

ANYWAY dang that's rough. Sounds like she had one heck of a hangover. Sucks that she can't remember the night of dancing that much, but it makes me wonder - is the memory loss important to the plot? LIKE OKAY I MEAN LIKE, did she forget something she should've remembered? Did she say or do something that will impact things later? Will anything from this night catch up with her??? Stuff like that lol.

... but luckily was a rather agile fellow despite her lack of sobriety ...


Okay so I could be wrong on this but I'm pretty sure fellow is usually used when referring to dudes and it sounds like she's a she so I'm not sure if you wanna change it or not. I mean like... personally I kind of don't care, but I know some people might be picky idk.

Ah, well, it was what it was...


Okay. SO I LIKE THIS SAYING and I like what it says about her character but there's something about it being in past tense with was verses is that feels... idk... off? Just a little awkward? I don't know if there's a different way you could express this either in action or just different words? Aaaa.

Also other things?

1. WHAT IS HER NAME OMG SHE SOUNDS INTERESTING AND LIKE A FUN CAREFREE GAL BUT YOU HAVEN'T MENTIONED HER NAME AT ALL AAAAAAAA. Like lol I get that!! It's from her perspective. But I'm pretty sure you can say her name....... ??? That would be very helpful. I wanna know what to refer to my MC as.

2. MAGS IS FUN!! I love that she has a nice pretty mystery breed bird that has some sass and 'tude. ; ))) The best animal companions always got a little spunk in 'em you know? It also sounds like Mags keeps this gal on her toes. Good bird. Good bird.

3. THIS OMINOUS MENTION OF:
that fateful day three years ago?

LIKE FEA ARE YOU REALLY JUST GONNA DROP THAT ON ME. Is it only fateful because of BIRB or is it fateful for other reasons????? Is she just being dramatic when she says fateful or was the day she met bird friend fateful in more ways than just getting a bird??? Idk fateful just feels so extreme if it's just the day she acquired a pet but maybe I'm just a butt. Entirely possible. Take that into account.

AND OVERALL?

A very entertaining chapter to read and I loved it and good job!!! It was very easy to follow and I really like this character and I especially love how you've written her relationship with her bird. It feels very natural and like it'll be good comedy relief material or just bring some interesting dynamics lol. I also love the little detail about her going back for her hat. I love that that tells us she's the sentimental type, if anything, with one thing. That is important.

So yes!! YAY! <3 Keep tagging me for this PLEASE.




Featherstone says...


THANK YOU SOUND FOR DROPPIN' BY AND FOLLOWIN' THE STORY 'N ALL <3

I mean maybe it was I don't know it didn't DIRECTLY OCCUR TO ME but like my subconscious and all but HEY SHE MEANT TO GET DRUNK ON PURPOSE AND JAMES I MEAN LIAM WAS JUST ACTING XD

Her name has also now been mentioned, thanks for that feedback! I pretty much never write third person so it's a neeewww experience for me and things like NAMES are suddenly a thing I have to worry about in the narrative lol

AND THAT ONE SENTENCE HAS BEEN REMOVED I HOPE IT READS MORE SMOOTHLY NOW


ANYHOW THANK YOU AGAIN AND I'LL TAG YA <3



soundofmind says...


DUDE YOU ARE DOIN' GOOD!! And I'm sure you'll get the hang of third person after writing in it for a few weeks!! You GOT THIS!!!

AND YES I THINK IT DOES READ MORE SMOOTHLY YES AND YES SSS I SEE JAY'S NAME YEET



Featherstone says...


YAY THANKSSSS




I was promis'd on a time, To have a reason for my rhyme: From that time unto this season, I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
— Edmund Spenser