Hi, Querencia! Pan dropping in for another review.
"There are many mysteries in the world. Some people spend their lives trying to solve them, trying to find clues and answers to riddles and all their questions. And some of them, surely, can never be solved, their answers never even imagined.
"But I believe that the all the answers, all the keys and all of the lost treasure is quietly found and accumulated, by those who don't even notice that the small ring they hold is a lost item that someone, somewhere, wants so desperately to find. I believe that everything they ever needed was right where they weren't looking, because surely, there's nothing that an antique shop doesn't have.
"The solutions aren't my problem. My problem is that, with all the answers at my fingertips, I'm not even sure which questions I should ask. Who, what, when, and where? And, most importantly, why?
I may as well raise what's been on my mind for a while, but I'm not hugely fond of the blog entry formula you've got going on. To me, they just sound like the abstract ramblings of a teenage boy who thinks they're a bit deep. Which is kind of what they are, to be fair, but it never makes for the most interesting opening to a chapter in my opinion. I always find myself skimming over them because I want to get to the actual plot progression.
I do like that Finnley has the blog as means to work through his grief, but it feels like some of the entries are forced just for the sake of the formula. Some of them do add something; I forget which chapter it was, but the blog entry for it was just 'regrets are sharpest in the morning'. I loved that one. Really punchy. I much prefer short and sweet stuff over long, musing paragraphs.
He brought his license and school ID, along with a pencil and notepadfor notes.
What else would he use a notepad for? It's right there in the name!
The store seemed to be evading him, and when he reached it, he could've sworn it'd been on a different street.
Hmmm, a location-shifting store? Maybe that's why Mr Vaughn can afford to keep it open, haha. Who do you pay rent to if your shop changes streets all the time? What address do the authorities post your bills to? Mr Vaughn, master of debt evasion.
After a minute of silence had passed, Finnley uncomfortably broke it.
A minute??? That is a long silence. What were they doing for all that time? Honestly, a gap of just a second in conversation is enough to suggest some kind of interactional breakdown. Several seconds would be even more awkward.
I guess it comes down to what's actually happening here. Throughout the minute, was Mr Vaughn busy with something, or were they literally just both standing there in silence? If Mr Vaughn was doing something, a minute is okay, but make sure you specify that he was distracted. If it was just a momentary break in the conversation, a minute is much too long. You'd have to shrink the pause down to only a couple of seconds; that would be enough. Conversations unfold very, very quickly.
Mr. Vaughn seemed to consider for a moment, then lead Finnley over to a small table strewn with objects, looking just like everything else in the room
I think this is one of those dangling modifier things, where the 'ing' clause is meant to modify the object of the sentence but actually modifies the subject. Basically, this sentence is jarring, as it makes me think that Mr Vaughn looks like everything else in the room even though it's supposed to be the table that looks like everything else in the room. The 'ing' clause is just modifying the wrong thing. You could easily fix it to be like this:
Mr. Vaughn seemed to consider for a moment, then lead Finnley over to a small table strewn with objects which looked just like everything else in the room.
Or:
Mr. Vaughn seemed to consider for a moment, then lead Finnley over to a small table strewn with objects. It looked just like everything else in the room.
"Good. But what does it mean?"
Finnley studied the swan, then picked it up and ran his finder over the sharp edges of the chipped wing. "It was well loved," he said finally. "It wasn't something that was showcased; it belonged to a family who believed that an imperfection like a chipped wing didn't make it any less beautiful. It was a treasure to be held close, rather than gazed at from afar, even if it hurt." He nearly dropped the swan in realization. "It... it belonged to a child, didn't it?"
Mixed feelings about this Sherlock-esque sequence. I'm not against it, but I'd like to feel a bit more awkwardness from Finnley as he talks. If it was me, I'd be painfully aware that everything I was saying was all guesswork and conjecture. Sure, a chipped wing could indicate that it was loved (I speak as a child who played with ornaments a lot as a kid), but it could just as easily indicate that it wasn't - that it was just a random decorative ornament that got a bit busted up when a family moved house and didn't wrap it up properly. That theory would certainly fit more with the fact that this swan ended up being palmed off to an antique store. Like I say, it's guesswork. So I don't mind Finnley having this interpretation, but I'd like him to be more hesitant about it. More like 'well, it could mean this...I'm not sure...maybe it was like a toy for a child?' He should be more self-conscious.
I gave her far more than the object itself was worth, because it was for her brother, and he was worth much more to her."
Uhh, how much did he give her? I don't know much about the costs of healthcare, but I'm guessing that hospital bills for a broken leg would be pretty hefty. Part of me thinks it might be more feasible if the girl had wanted to buy her brother some kind of get well soon gift, and Mr Vaughn had given her more money than the swan was worth so she could afford it. That would keep the sentiment without the implication that he gave her hundreds (or thousands?) of dollars for a chipped swan ornament, which stretches the suspension of disbelief somewhat. Unless, of course, it turns out that Mr Vaughn is obscenely rich and can throw money at people by the bagful regardless of the worth of the antiques.
(In which case he owes Finnley a lot more than minimum wage...)
Mr. Vaughn's smile turned sad as he ran his fingers over the small statue. "His leg got infected. They had to take it.
Blimey, that must've been a bad break. I just looked up whether broken legs typically get infected, but it doesn't seem to be that common unless the skin is actually breached by the bone or if you needed surgery to help said bone heal. That said, from what I'm reading, bone infections are usually treated with antibiotics or further surgery, so it seems like a really bad spot of luck for him to lose the leg as well.
That's all for specific points. Good opening to the chapter! I continue to like the mysterious Mr Vaughn, and I especially enjoy that he sees the value of objects as relative and that he remembers the stories attached to each one. I feel like you could maybe make the story with the girl and the swan a touch less dramatic, because I don't think it would actually lose any of its sentimentality if it was toned down a little. Personal opinion, though.
Keep writing!
~Pan
And Mr. Vaughn's watch just miiiighg tie into the money situation!!
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