Hi, Querencia. Pan dropping in for another review. I really am a bit of a snail when it comes to getting through these chapters - stuff always seems to get in the way of reviewing time.
Mia flung open the door and sighed when she saw Finnley.
[New line here] "Alright, alright, we need to talk," she said, holding the door further open.
Sylvie stalked me the entire day, bringing her gang of people with her. Then I couldn't text you back because I was in class, and well... you see how that all adds up to give you a false impression." Finnley finished awkwardly and sat in silence, staring at the soft beige carpet.
But I thought he did text her? You mentioned in the previous chapter that he sent her a bunch of messages explaining his side of things. Has Mia still not looked at them? Why doesn't Finnley mention here that he sent her messages to try and explain?
"Good? Well, Finnley, this changes everything! We can go back to normal now," she said, and twirled around a bit before hugging him.
Haha, this is somehow so Mia. Her mood can go from here to there in a split second.
"Hold up," Finnley commanded.He was glad that Mia had bounced back to normal as soon as she'd seen the misunderstanding, but there were still things he wanted to get straightened out before he was okay with everything."Mia, did you see what happened with us yesterday? Misunderstandings or not, you went cold, and it was terrifying. You need to tell me about that, because I don't want it happening again."
I don't feel like you need that whole stretch I've struck out, because it's basically telling us what we can already infer from his dialogue. It's just redundant and needlessly tell-y.
out of its ponytail holder
...did you deliberately choose a really ambiguous term so as not to start an argument? I call them bobbles. Or scrunchies, if they're big and crinkly. A lot of people call them hair ties. Can't say I've ever heard 'ponytail holder' before.
so we started prancing each other
Pranking, you mean?
"One night, in the middle of winter, I snuck out and poured a bucket of water on her porch, her sidewalk, her driveway, everything. It was cold enough that it wouldn't take long to freeze. The next morning, her little brother ran out of the house, not seeing the ice. He broke his leg."
Oh man, I really didn't expect that! So Mia actually does have her share of guilt in this, even though it obviously was an accident. I like that. Considering I thought this was going to be a clear-cut 'popular girl bullies oddball' type situation, it's great that you've gone against my expectations and taken a stance that I really didn't expect. It's cool. It's sad, too, because Mia must have felt awful about it.
And now I'm wondering about what happened in Mr Vaughn's shop. The story he told Finnley about a sister selling a swan ornament to get money for her brother - was Sylvie that sister? It seems too much of a coincidence otherwise. I like how you've tied it together, though it does stretch the suspension of disbelief that a broken leg could cause that much strife within a family. Then again, I come from a country with a national health service, so there's probably a lot I'm not aware of when it comes to hospital bills and the kind of stress that causes.
That's all for this review, pretty much. I enjoyed this chapter segment and I love that you took me by surprise at the end of it, though I think you could draw out Mia's explanation a little more. Given that it's a massive source of guilt for her, I feel like she should struggle to talk about it more than she does, maybe dancing around the point and stumbling over her explanation a bit. I'd expect more hesitancy.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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