Edges

by Faithe
  • July 26, 2008
  • Short Story
  • Short Stories
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Being edited.

Thanks, everyone, for all the help! I appreciate it :)

Comments & reviews · 4
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Moriah Leila
Review
Moriah Leila wrote a review · Mon Jul 28, 2008 9:25 pm

I think everyone basically covered what I was going to say. I do like your piece because like ashley said you made me think. However I did find a few simple errors, nothing big.


And now, they’re found their way into reality.


They've instead of they're. They're doesn't make sense.

Do they ever cross, will they ever cross, can they ever cross.


Question mark instead of a period at the end of this sentence.

We grab that paper, the one that won’t leave you alone. We look at our finger, our thoughts not pausing on the knowledge of what that one touch could do. And we smudge the lines.


It’s not sudden, but it’s there. The fierce enormity of what you’ve done hits you in the face, but you close your eyes and pretend it’s not there. Even though you know very well it is.


I really love this part of the story simply because I relate. Lol, I don't know I can just feel as if I am being hit in the face or I guess to me it is more of a gut-wrenching feeling. But I liked that your piece made me feel this. Kooky huh? Overall good work!

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ashleylee
Review
ashleylee wrote a review · Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:15 pm

I think you are trying to use, like sofi said, a piece of paper and smuging it to somehow describe the confusing and sometimes complicated place of the universe. I agree with sofi again that more idea I think would help this piece.

But I also think you wanted the reader to THINK about your piece, to use their brains, and you accomplished that with me. I seriously sat for probably twenty minutes, thinking about the hawk and paper and the universe and all the stuff. So I guess congrats for making me think! :wink:

I do believe you know what you are talking about but the trick is to help the reader to get inside your head and help them understand what YOU are thinking about. So try to do that, try to descibe and expand and help out the reader a bit.

You have a pretty solid piece but help us out a bit! :wink: I like your style, however, with the italics and stuff, as if two different voices were talking and arguing with each other.

Very unique! :D

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JFW1415
Review
JFW1415 wrote a review · Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:26 pm

Hello! I was just browsing through the forums and saw that this only had one critique, so I decided to give you one! Hope you like it.

Nit-Picks

It's been a fine line since

I'd use 'for' rather than 'since.'

seen a straight line. What,

Ditch this comma.

Either he makes it there, or he’s farther away than he used to be.

Not really – he can be closer. Since the others are so definite, I'd ditch this one.

their philosophy,

I'd ditch that. Don't tell us that this is philosophy. XD

We never think things through, though. We mess up. We screw up. We never care enough to think of the consequences, and we do what we want to do for our own, terrible reasons.

That's not always true…?

or maybe it’s spiraling upward;

Comma instead.

Overall Comments

So…

Actually, I didn't get this piece at all. So! If you want help, PM me and tell me what this is ABOUT and I'll respond by telling you what made it confusing and what you can add to clear it up, okay? I know you were going for the 'keep it a secret, make them look for it' thing, and I'll help you keep that, but you did it a little too over the top.

I'm really sorry!

~JFW1415

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sofi
Review
sofi wrote a review · Sat Jul 26, 2008 1:25 am

Hmmm I have mixed feelings about this piece.

I loved the way you started it. It hooked me and made me want to finish reading. But after this part:

But who’s to say what’s forward and what’s backward? No one, really. What can you possibly compare a concept to? One cannot claim that a line is crooked unless he has seen a straight line


I began to lose interest. It began to get a bit repetitive, to me. I think you need something else. Another idea to bring in and develop.

And it seemed like you were using the ideas of ripping paper and smudging lines as a way to explore something about human nature but i wasn't really clear on what it was that you were trying to portray or get across.

There were also one or two things which i noticed:

Either he gets where he’s going, or not. Either he makes it there, or he’s farther away than he used to be. Either he survives, or he doesn’t.


repetition is good in some cases but i personally didn't like the way you used it here. I think you overuse the same sentence structure. Vary it a bit.

'Either he gets where he’s going, or not. He makes it there, or he’s farther away than he used to be. '

Take out the 'Either' from the second sentence. You've said it once you can still use repetition effectively without repeating that word. And personally, if it was me, i would change the whole third sentence. A third repetition of that sentences structure becomes too much. You could maybe link it back to your idea of lines with the idea of how thin the line is between surviving and not?

We screw up


'screw up' sounds out of place, to me, here.

and we do what we want to do for our own, terrible reasons.


I think this sentence would sound better shortened take out 'to do' and make it just 'we do what we want for our own, terrible reasons'

I hope i helped a bit. Overall i thought this was written very well. You had some lovely phrasing in this piece.

Feel free to pm me if you have any questions :D

sofi.



With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.
— Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus