By Violet R
age 15
It's my life,
It's my eyes,
And it's my way of living,
If I'm black,
if I'm white,
it's my way of saying,
This is me,
And this is who,
I want to be.
If I am a saint,
if I am a sinner,
who are you to judge me?
Who are you,
To tell me,
That this is not me.
Who are you,
To show me,
This way of you,
A way trouble,
A way of love,
a way,
of life.
In case you haven't noticed it's about racism in the USA.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you.
Sometimes people need people not for critiques, not for misconceptions, but for thoughts.
It's nice to know that after writing it, you liked it.
~ Vi.
Hello.
I really liked this poem, it touched my heart. On here, a lot of the poems I read are long and drag on, missing the whole point and concept, so I don't read nor comment. But this, well this is another story. It had a meaning. It is something to believe in.
It's all true. People judge without concent, Here I am now judging without concent. The way I read poems, is I look for two meanings, and I don't know if you meant this, but if you did then it was good. Because I saw to meanings. I saw one looking at the religious concept, and one looking at a more general aspect. Looking, at people critcally judging work, putting people down, the harsh comments.
I saw two sides to that. and thats what I liked.
This beginning is kind of too strong for this kind of poem. If I were you, I'd begin slowly and let my emotions culminate somewhere in the middle of the poem, not right away.
Also, the last verse is pretty long and clumsily. I suggest you delete the "And it's" part of it.
The comma in the end should be a period.
Why would you speak like that? I'm sure the last verse in first stanza would fit much better here, although it should be some other word in the end to make things right.
Comma in the end-why?
You really have problems with commas
Well, basically, everyone can judge you because of that, it's called deviance if you're sinner(most of the time) so the contrast doesn't work and it's totally a cliché.
Just delete all commas here.
And also, if you didn't notice, you're asking a question in this stanza so the question mark is needed in the end.
You keep repeating yourself: "Who are you? Why do you think I'm wrong? I think you're wrong, because I'm better than you because I'm not a racist and you are." Ask yourself who really is a racist.
For me (eg.) a racist is not some guy/girl who says: "Hey, negro!" Because everyone see that the most perceptible difference is that he/she is black. But the guy/girl who thinks that he/she is better because he/she is not black, he's/she's a racist...and an idiot.
Back to the poem-the last stanza should definitely be tercet, not quatrain. And I don't understand what do you mean by "a way trouble" ?
All in all, this is good idea to write about, but the reader can't miss all those punctuation mistakes and boring repetitions. You have a lot of work if you want to improve this.