Published December 16, 2007
Fallen fears of a broken land,
Forgotten trees alone still stand,
Warm hearts cut, cold minds shut,
Rotten economy, poisoned command.
Eyes closed should never see,
Damnéd prophesies come to be,
Work and strife, death of life,
Breath escapes: a final plea.
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First poem I've posted here, don't be kind because of that, but if I've made some faux pas I'm sorry!
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Nice poem...
Welcome to YWS!
I like your use of é to add syllables, haha. The AABA CCDC was good as well, although I suggest you try to clean the syllables up a bit more. L4 in S1 is ten syllables, where the previous A lines are only eight.
I think you could make more of this poem, bring it to life. You're describing something, but since it isn't an actual object [utopia, right?] then it is harder to see, to feel, which means you need to say more about it. I'm not sure sure I like the poem either... I mean, I like it, but it could certainly be pulled together better... Because I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to say about utopia or even if you poem is about utopia. So clarity might be another problem. And though the rhyme scheme worked, just be sure not to let yourself be slave to rhyme scheme. Don't force it!
G'luck! If you have any question, feel free to PM me. I'm sure I didn't make sense somewhere.
Thank you, I added it in. I was thinking 'to comma or not to comma' because I didn't want it to seam too like the line above. To be honest, I'd changed that line a couple of times and I'm still a little unhappy with it, since I didn't want it to seam too much like the line above.
Very good. It flowed well and the rhyme scheme was great.
Welcome to the YWS! I love the rhyme scheme! You're very good at that. And I like it short too. My only complaint, or maybe, question. Should there be a comma between "economy" and "poisoned" in the last line of the first stanza? Great poem otherwise!
~Yoyo